3 rules of verbal self-defense: protecting you from difficult people

Why does the perfect response to a verbal attack always come to you three hours too late? The answer is simple – it’s all due to your brain’s fight, flight, and freeze reaction. This is your brain’s natural response to threatening situations. It’s great for dealing with physical danger, but when it comes to verbal attacks, it can leave you feeling helpless. This is particularly true when your brain detects that someone is playing power games.

Power games are designed to reduce your autonomy and make you doubt yourself. However, there are simple ways to take back control, even in the trickiest situations. That’s the power of verbal self-defence. This discipline is all about staying calm, clear-headed, and assertive. It’s not about “winning” or putting other people in their place. Instead, it’s about protecting yourself against manipulative tactics. There are three main steps involved in verbal self-defense.

  1. Spot their game

Every difficult person has a ‘game’ they play to gain the upper hand. Maybe it’s making cutting comments or twisting your words. Or maybe it’s baiting you with insults or smart remarks. Despite the fact that these attacks come out of the blue, they are surprisingly predictable. And that’s the secret to spotting games. When you recognise the attack pattern a verbal aggressor is using, you can stop reacting emotionally and start responding strategically.

 

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  1. Engage your thinking brain

The stressed-out part of your brain is not the best one to respond from. Engaging your logic centre is a smarter move. It helps you see the situation objectively and take back control. This isn’t simply a matter of ‘breathing deeply’. You need to master the art of emotion regulation – which is a great life skill to develop anyway.

  1. Respond with a verbal attack response pattern

I teach ten of these in my online course Verbal Attack Response System. Verbal Attack Response System course. These include strategies for dealing with criticising, generalising, and making unfair ultimatums. Each one allows you to respond professionally and assertively without stooping to the other person’s level. They’re easy to learn and powerfully effective.

So, next time you find yourself in a difficult conversation with a manipulative or aggressive person, remember the three rules of verbal self-defence: spot their game, engage your thinking brain, and respond strategically. And if you need more help dealing with difficult people, check out my online courses here: Think Learn Succeed courses.

This article was created by Eleanor Shakiba

Eleanor is a leadership trainer and success coach. Her mission is inspiring talented people to become leaders who make a difference.  Since discovering her passion for training and development, Eleanor has trained more than 60,000 people. She delivers face-to-face workshops for corporates, online masterclasses for leaders and Positive Psychology retreats for trainers, HR practitioners and leaders. 

People problems? Here’s what to do.

Handling people problems can challenge even the most seasoned manager. It’s frustrating, time-consuming and can derail your entire day. Yet, here’s the kicker— the emotional burden that comes with managing people is not widely acknowledged. Often, when you find yourself entangled in conflict or dealing with an emotionally charged situation, you’re left unsupported. Worse, the blame might even be laid on YOU. If this sounds all too familiar, it’s time to take action.

I want you to know something important. You’re not alone. The burden you’re carrying even has a name—toxic handling. It’s rarely discussed but is a major stressor for people managers. And just because your boss, HR, or peers might not fully understand this doesn’t mean your experience isn’t valid. I’ve been coaching and training managers since the mid 1990’s. And a recurring theme is how to manage the “people problem”.

For example, one manager said “I’ve been dealing with a toxic team member for months. It’s taken up so much of my time and energy, and now I’m completely exhausted.” This isn’t just stress—it’s burnout waiting to happen. And that’s concerning because burnout can lead to a loss of productivity, decreased job satisfaction, and ultimately, affect your overall well-being.

 

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Another team leader explained things this way, “I feel like I’m constantly walking on eggshells around certain team members.” That’s a day-to-day struggle that no leader should face alone. Managers facing toxic people problems deserve more than dismissive advice—they deserve real support.

That’s why I’ve stepped in to create Manager SOS. It’s an urgent advice service tailored specifically for managers just like you. Here’s how it works. You can book a private Zoom call with me, and together we’ll build a customised action plan. This isn’t cookie-cutter advice. You’ll get practical tips for navigating difficult conversations, backed by strategies that work.

You don’t need to keep carrying this on your own. If toxic handling is weighing you down, now is the time to act. Book your Manager SOS session today and take the first step towards resolving those people problems—and getting the support you deserve.

This article was created by Eleanor Shakiba

Eleanor is a leadership trainer and success coach. Her mission is inspiring talented people to become leaders who make a difference.  Since discovering her passion for training and development, Eleanor has trained more than 60,000 people. She delivers face-to-face workshops for corporates, online masterclasses for leaders and Positive Psychology retreats for trainers, HR practitioners and leaders.