Why does the perfect response to a verbal attack always come to you three hours too late? The answer is simple – it’s all due to your brain’s fight, flight, and freeze reaction. This is your brain’s natural response to threatening situations. It’s great for dealing with physical danger, but when it comes to verbal attacks, it can leave you feeling helpless. This is particularly true when your brain detects that someone is playing power games.

Power games are designed to reduce your autonomy and make you doubt yourself. However, there are simple ways to take back control, even in the trickiest situations. That’s the power of verbal self-defence. This discipline is all about staying calm, clear-headed, and assertive. It’s not about “winning” or putting other people in their place. Instead, it’s about protecting yourself against manipulative tactics. There are three main steps involved in verbal self-defense.

1. Spot their game

Every difficult person has a ‘game’ they play to gain the upper hand. Maybe it’s making cutting comments or twisting your words. Or maybe it’s baiting you with insults or smart remarks. Despite the fact that these attacks come out of the blue, they are surprisingly predictable. And that’s the secret to spotting games. When you recognise the attack pattern a verbal aggressor is using, you can stop reacting emotionally and start responding strategically.

2. Engage your thinking brain

The stressed-out part of your brain is not the best one to respond from. Engaging your logic centre is a smarter move. It helps you see the situation objectively and take back control. This isn’t simply a matter of ‘breathing deeply’. You need to master the art of emotion regulation – which is a great life skill to develop anyway.

3. Respond with a verbal attack response pattern

I teach ten of these in my online course Verbal Attack Response System. Verbal Attack Response System course. These include strategies for dealing with criticising, generalising, and making unfair ultimatums. Each one allows you to respond professionally and assertively without stooping to the other person’s level. They’re easy to learn and powerfully effective.

So, next time you find yourself in a difficult conversation with a manipulative or aggressive person, remember the three rules of verbal self-defence: spot their game, engage your thinking brain, and respond strategically. And if you need more help dealing with difficult people, check out my online courses here: Think Learn Succeed courses.

This article was created by Eleanor Shakiba

Eleanor is a leadership trainer and success coach. Her mission is inspiring talented people to become leaders who make a difference.  Since discovering her passion for training and development, Eleanor has trained more than 60,000 people. She delivers face-to-face workshops for corporates, online masterclasses for leaders and Positive Psychology retreats for trainers, HR practitioners and leaders.