By Eleanor Shakiba Confidence interesting articles 0 Comments

The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely. Carl Jung

Everyone is their own worst critic. However, some people let the inner critic get the best of them. Negative self-criticism can have an emotional and physical impact on your well-being. According to advice from Harvard Health Publishing, you’re more likely to suffer from low self-esteem when you can’t accept your capabilities.

It’s possible to gain self-acceptance and love yourself as you are. First, you should understand the definition of self-acceptance. Srini Pillay, MD defines self-acceptance as your acceptance of all your attributes, including positive and negative attributes. Accepting yourself includes body acceptance and self-protection from negative criticism. Self-acceptance also requires you to believe in your abilities.

According to Pillay, most people have low self-acceptance. He argues that this typically occurs due to low self-esteem. To boost their self-esteem, people may try to accomplish great tasks. However, this may only offer a short-term benefit. Achievement is a poor replacement for intimacy. The article goes on to explain the consequences of low self-acceptance. If you don’t believe in yourself, you may suffer from additional stress. Excess stress increases your risk of various physical ailments.

Pillay presents three ways to increase self-acceptance: self-regulation, self-awareness, and self-transcendence. Self-regulation requires you to suppress negative emotions. You suppress the negative emotions by refocusing on the positive features of yourself. You can reframe negative situations to find new opportunities.

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Self-awareness involves seeing yourself as others see you. Sometimes you need to stop and look at yourself from an outside perspective to see the truth. Self-transcendence involves relying less on external forces to define yourself. Srini Pillay MD also recommends meditation as a path to greater self-acceptance.

Why does self-acceptance matter? If you can’t accept yourself, others won’t. This is a common worry for those that suffer from imposter syndrome. When you don’t feel worthy of your position, you’re likely to struggle through most projects. One solution is to recognise that no one is perfect. Self-acceptance is about accepting yourself as you are, including traits that you consider negative.

After over 20 years of confidence coaching, I’ve learned that not all methods work for everyone. However, self-regulation as described in the article is often effective for reframing negative self-criticism. Using positive thoughts to counter negative ones leads to a shift in your thought patterns. It boosts your self-esteem, which makes it easier to accept yourself.

Of course, accepting yourself is easier said than done. Working with a professional can help ensure you receive the tools needed to finally start loving yourself. Find out how to beat imposter syndrome by checking out my one-to-one coaching and online courses at https://thinklearnsucceed.com.au.

By Eleanor Shakiba Videos confidence 0 Comments

Too shy for live confidence training? Think again!

Self-doubt and shyness can prevent you taking the very action needed to build confidence. Don’t let this vicious cycle lead to self-doubt, low confidence or imposter syndrome. Learn how to break free of three paradoxical thinking patterns and let your confidence shine. Learn to break free of three paradoxical thinking patterns that feed self-doubt. In this two-minute video by renowned confidence coach Eleanor Shakiba, you’ll discover how to build confidence using mind and behaviour programming techniques from Neuro Linguistic Programming.

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By Eleanor Shakiba Confidence tips 0 Comments

Yes. Confident people have ‘negative thoughts’, too.

Do you believe that positive thoughts and confidence go together? Wrong! A study has found that confident people have just as many moments of pessimism and negative thoughts as the rest of us. So, negative thoughts don’t harm your self-assurance. It’s what you do next that makes the difference.

Unconfident people do nothing. Confident people take action. Why? Because confident people believe that their actions can lead to positive results. They have high levels of personal power (psychologists call this self-efficacy).

Combining self-efficacy with emotion regulation and another ‘secret ingredient’ creates a solid foundation for authentic confidence. Of course, I’m not the first coach to point out that confidence is NOT a one-dimensional state. All personal change modalities, spiritual systems and models of the human mind frame confidence as a complex ecosystem. Simply put, a confident mind consists of many parts.

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One of my favourite models comes from the family therapist, Virginia Satir. She said there are five freedoms:

  1. The freedom to see and hear what is;
  2. The freedom to say what you feel and think;
  3. The freedom to feel what you actually feel;
  4. The freedom to ask for what you want
  5. The freedom to take risks on your own behalf.

Virginia Satir wasn’t just a therapist, she was also a poet. To me, Satir’s five freedoms provide a solid foundation for confidence. I hope you’ll extend them to others and claim them for yourself.

By Eleanor Shakiba Confidence tips 0 Comments

NLP is the fastest way to build confidence. Here’s why.

I’ve been teaching neurolinguistic programming (NLP) since 1996. The first class I ever ran was for a group of millionaires who wanted to feel more confident. That’s right, even highly successful people struggle with self-doubt and poor self-concept. To this day, the three main reasons people come to my NLP courses are to overcome imposter syndrome, reduce shyness and beat stage fright. Many of them are caught in a frustrating double bind: They want to change, but they’re too shy to join a live class.

 

Of course, in this situation, most people want a fast and permanent way to switch from self-doubt to self-confidence – that’s what NLP provides. It’s a personal change system that reprograms patterns of thinking, emotion and behaviour. I’ll let you in on a secret here: NLP is based on a form of therapy called brief therapy. This is why it reaps very rapid results. There are many reasons why I love working with NLP. Here are my top three.

 

Change with NLP is superfast

NLP is the fastest way to build self-confidence because it reprograms your thinking patterns, your emotional equilibrium and your action repertoires, all at the same time, speeding up the process of:

 

  • feeling better about yourself
  • solving problems
  • changing unwanted behaviours
  • building new habits
  • getting the results you crave

 

NLP reprograms your mind at two levels (unlike most change systems)

 

Have you ever tried reciting a mantra such as ‘I am a confident and successful person’ only to find it made no difference to your self-assurance? That’s because your words were a thin varnish spread over a flawed self-concept. Your conscious mind was repeating a statement that just didn’t gel with your unconscious beliefs.

 

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When you build authentic confidence, this doesn’t happen. Instead, you bring your work persona and your home person are congruent. As I explained in my most recent article,

this allows you to overcome the sneaking feelings of low self-worth that so many gifted professionals feel.

 

NLP techniques can be learned in minutes

 

Despite its complex name, NLP is remarkably simple to learn. That’s because it’s based on three steps:

  • Observing successful people
  • Pinpointing how they get their results
  • Creating ‘models’ that others can use to achieve similar results

 

NLP models are exactly like recipes. When you follow them, you can cook up great results. As a trainer, this is my favourite reason to use NLP; it’s systematised and easy to apply. Ultimately, that means my clients don’t need me for long. Why? Because NLP puts the tools of change into YOUR hands. Once you’ve learned them, you can use them for (a much better) life.

 

Curious about how NLP can help you be a bold, confident leader? Enrol in one of my courses to find out more. Stay tuned for the launch of an exciting new program!

By Eleanor Shakiba Confidence interesting articles 0 Comments

Power up your self-worth with this activity from Virginia Satir

Society is obsessed with self-esteem, but what about your self-worth? Your self-worth is vital to your overall happiness, confidence, and mental health. Everyone has self-worth, even if they don’t see it. Psychotherapist Virginia Satir explains that your thoughts and interactions with others are largely influenced by your self-worth. She also explains how to boost your self-worth with a simple visualisation activity.

So, how do you increase your self-worth? A great place to start is with a simple self-esteem-building activity. A recent article on cpydcoalition.org offers the perfect example. It’s an activity featured in Virginia Satir’s article Self-Worth: The Pot Nobody Watches. In this article, she used the metaphor of a pot to represent a person’s self-work. The following activity is based on this idea. As you complete it, you’ll create three separate pots that you fill with negative and positive messages.

First, you need to create a pot of ‘pot drainers. The pot drainers include negative messages. Fill this pot with the self-critical messages that make you feel bad about yourself. This typically includes messages from the inner critic during moments of self-doubt.

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The second pot includes ‘pot cleansers’. The pot cleansers are positive messages and thoughts. Think of the things that you like about yourself. Pot cleansers help cleanse the negative thoughts from the previous pot. You can use the positive messages to reframe the negative messages. Balancing these two pots helps transform your outlook on life.

The third pot includes ‘pot fillers.’ The pot fillers are positive messages sent to you from others and yourself. Filling this third pot with compliments and recognition of your skills, abilities, and positive traits. When your first two pots are balanced and your third pot is full, you’re likely to experience more positivity in your life.

If you’re a high achiever looking to build greater confidence and broaden your horizons, I highly recommend using Satir’s visualisation activity. Your confidence is linked to your sense of self-worth. If you don’t believe in your skills and abilities, it’s difficult to build confidence. The visualisation activity makes it easier to analyse your self-worth. Combating your negative messages with positive ones reshapes your perception of yourself.

Visualisation activities also give you the tools for boosting confidence in critical situations. You can use your ‘pot cleanser’ pot to replace negative feelings as they occur. You also alter your thought patterns related to how you think others perceive you. Filling your ‘pot fillers’ with positive messages from others provides anchors for maintaining confidence.

One of the main points of Virginia Satir’s visualisation activity is the importance of self-worth. It’s tied to your self-confidence. For best results, I recommend repeating the activity frequently. If you want to explore additional techniques to beat imposter syndrome, I can help. Learn more about my one-to-one coaching and online courses at https://thinklearnsucceed.com.au.

By Eleanor Shakiba Videos confidence 0 Comments

Three common self-care habits that kill confidence

It’s hard to be successful when you’re constantly putting yourself down. Yet many high achievers do precisely that, believing that self-criticism is a tool for building peak performance. Nothing could be further from the truth. Regular self-criticism offers a quick path to feelings of failure, worthlessness and helplessness. No one is perfect. If you want to boost your confidence, replace negative self-evaluations with positive reflections. Neuro-linguistic programming (NLP) provides a way to overcome toxic self-criticism and build authentic confidence. Learn more in an inspiring video from NLP trainer, Eleanor Shakiba.

 

 

By Eleanor Shakiba COMMUNICATION 0 Comments

Bring your best self to tough situations

When things get tough in the office, it’s easy to get wrapped up in the drama. Instead of staying calm and focused, you might find yourself yelling or stressed out. This isn’t good for you or your team. In order to be your best self during difficult times, you need to stay organised and stressfree. Here are a few tips:

  1. Stay focused on your goals

When things are chaotic, it’s easy to lose sight of what’s important. But if you stay focused on your goals, you’ll be less likely to get swept up in the drama. Write down your goals and refer to them often. This will help keep you grounded.

  1. Avoid taking things personally.

It’s easy to get wrapped up in office politics, but you need to remember that these things aren’t personal. If someone is treating you poorly, don’t take it personally. Remember that they’re probably just dealing with their own stress and aren’t really mad at you.

  1. Don’t let yourself get overwhelmed.

When things are getting crazy, it’s important to take a step back and evaluate what’s going on. Don’t try to do everything at once – that’s a recipe for disaster. Break down big tasks into smaller pieces and focus on one thing at a time.

  1. Keep your cool.

When things are tense, it’s important to stay calm and rational. Losing your temper or shutting down will make things worse. If you remain calm, people will be more likely to listen to what you have to say.

By Eleanor Shakiba Confidence tips 0 Comments

Fast change won’t last? Nonsense!

Too many people believe that if a change technique works quickly, it must create ‘shallow’ change and therefore result in a change that does not last. This is a myth. The truth is that many training and counselling techniques are rapid and yet also deep and long lasting. This ‘fast change doesn’t work’ argument is flawed for two reasons.

Firstly, swift change can be very deep. For example, have you ever changed your entire perspective on a problem after a single conversation with a wise person? I bet that change lasted!  Secondly, shallow change can still be permanent. For example, you might have picked up a bad habit – like eating lollies when you’re stressed – in just a few minutes. The change wasn’t deep, but I can imagine it resulted in a hard-to-quit habit. In other words, long-lasting change!

The same is true for positive change.  Rapid change can create lasting results. Let me give you an example. I shifted from believing I couldn’t set up my business to knowing I could succeed as a consultant. After just one question from my coach! That question was “What would happen if it worked?”

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So, the key question is not how long does it take for a change to happen?’ but rather whether the change meaningful and significant? If the answer is “Yes, this is worthwhile” then the change is likely to be lasting.

Don’t let that myth about personal change needing to take ages hold you back. If a technique is quick and easy to learn, use it! For example, NLP has been criticised “as too quick” or “too shallow” by many people who have not even tried it! If these people advise you to avoid NLP, ask them to substantiate their claims.

Finally, think for yourself. Try out some new techniques, like NLP. Like this page to find out more about fast, effective change for leaders.

About the presenter: Eleanor Shakiba

Eleanor is a leadership trainer, success coach and people skills expert. She helps managers, team leaders and business owners build credibility, influence and confidence – so they can become high impact leaders. Eleanor runs bespoke training and coaching for leaders who want to build ‘positive deviance’ in their businesses. Her expertise in teaching positive psychology and NLP makes Eleanor a highly sought-after facilitator. Eleanor’s qualifications are in Positive Psychology, Social Anthropology, Counselling, Coaching, Adult Education and Neuro Linguistic Programming.

Follow this page for more success tips from Eleanor. 

By Eleanor Shakiba Confidence tips 0 Comments

These Dark Triad habits drive imposter syndrome: stop them now

Imposter syndrome puts a grey filter over your success. It dulls your confidence and washes out your brightest achievements.  Ironically, some of the habits we hope will quell imposter syndrome actuallymake it worse. The fact is this: beating imposter syndrome means ditching habits that feel normal and natural to you as a success-minded professional.  Habits such as planning and goal setting, critical thinking and dedicating the bulk of your time to work (which, of course, you claim to love so much that it feels like play).

 

Over-planning

 

My Myers Briggs personality type is INFJ, so I love a good plan. But even I must admit that the planning habit can go too far. If you’re making contingency plans to back up contingency plans, it’s time to hit pause.

 

The problem with over-planning is it can prompt anxiety, especially if you combine it with attempting to predict and prevent worse case scenarios. So, you need to stop doing it. Switch off your busy brain by using NLP trance techniques, getting into the great outdoors or chilling out instead of stressing out.

 

Overworking

 

Many high achievers do this because they love their work. This makes it easier to go into a flow state and lose track of time. However, hard work is like chocolate consumed in small doses – it elevates and energises. But if you indulge in it every day, you’ll soon get sick of it.

 

Breaking the habit of overworking is easier if you take these three steps:

 

  1. Lower your standards. Perfectionism is the leading cause of overwork because it results in poor use of your time and energy.
  2. Learn to delegate and outsource. Just because you CAN do something doesn’t mean you SHOULD.
  3. Take up a new hobby. Some people overwork to combat boredom. Don’t YOU be one of them.

 

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Overthinking

 

Second-guessing every decision. Mulling over pros and cons. Asking endless ‘what if’ questions. These are all signs you’re mired in Dark Triad habit number three: overthinking.

 

Yes, competent professionals think critically. But no, that doesn’t mean you should dissect every idea or question every action. Let’s face it, strong leadership requires deep and authentic confidence in your decision-making skills. You need to develop these skills, but you don’t need to do this alone.

 

Indeed, in 2018, researchers studied the way brain activity related to confidence when people are making decisions. It turned out that activity in the ventromedial prefrontal cortex was a reliable indicator of confidence.

 

Why is this interesting? Because the same brain region is associated with reward processing, emotion regulation, empathy and social cognition, which might just hint at why it’s easier to make complex decisions when talking things through with a coach, mentor or trusted advisor.