Why do some people seem to thrive on conflict? And why is their anger and aggression so contagious? If you’re sick of being baited and manipulated into arguments, this week’s newsletter will help you take a new approach. And no, that doesn’t mean firing up your logic to try and outsmart those challenging people. That’s because the logical brain tends to shut down when emotions run high.

Although most people dislike conflict, it can be surprisingly addictive. During an argument, your brain releases cortisol, often called the ‘stress hormone’. In small doses, cortisol can help you stay alert and focused. But in prolonged or intense conflict, cortisol levels become too high, leaving you feeling stressed, anxious, or even depressed.

So why do some people seem to thrive on this constant state of agitation? The answer lies in their brain chemistry. Research shows that some individuals have heightened responses to stress. For some, this is due to genetics. For others, early childhood experiences shape neural pathways, creating chronic patterns of anxiety, anger, and aggression. People with hyperactive ‘conflict circuits’ often engage in arguments to regulate emotions and restore a sense of control.

Driving this dynamic are two powerful chemicals—adrenaline and cortisol. Adrenaline amps people up, triggering the overwhelming urge to ‘win’ arguments, while cortisol fuels stress and creates a sense of high energy. Together, these hormones create a cocktail that keeps ‘conflict addicts’ buzzing long after the argument is over.

A fascinating study from the University of California reveals how this process works. Researchers found that participants’ neural reward centres lit up during conflict. That’s right—your brain can associate conflict with satisfaction, even if you feel upset during the argument. It’s no wonder some people are unintentionally drawn into arguments again and again.

Fortunately, you can break this cycle by learning how to reduce emotional contagion during conflict. Here are three steps I teach in my courses on dealing with difficult people. Try them out with that ‘conflict addict’ you know.

Step 1: Regulate Your Emotions

There are many tools to help with this. I recommend starting with the ABCD technique, a well-known method from Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. It helps switch on your logic centres during challenging situations.

Step 2: Set Boundaries

Boundaries are the limits you set to protect your physical and psychological space. First, learn to recognise when your boundaries are being violated. This starts with defining your own needs. Next, speak up about those boundaries. My Verbal Attack Response System course teaches you how to do this effectively.

Step 3: Use Assertive Language Patterns

Assertive language allows you to communicate calmly, confidently, and respectfully. Mastering just two or three techniques can help you stop conflict addicts in their tracks and regain control of where the conversation goes next.

If you’re tired of being dragged into unnecessary conflict, remember—you can choose another path. My online course, Difficult People Made Easy, is designed specifically for people like you. You’ll learn how to manage tough personalities and protect your energy using proven strategies. Don’t wait—start mastering the art of navigating conflict today.

This article was created by Eleanor Shakiba

Eleanor is a leadership trainer and success coach. Her mission is inspiring talented people to become leaders who make a difference.  Since discovering her passion for training and development, Eleanor has trained more than 60,000 people. She delivers face-to-face workshops for corporates, online masterclasses for leaders and Positive Psychology retreats for trainers, HR practitioners and leaders. 

There’s nothing worse than being lured into a seemingly reasonable conversation, only to discover you’ve been baited into an argument or toxic power game. Verbal baiting is hard to recognise, even though it is a common tactic used by manipulative or aggressive people. If their motives baffle you, don’t despair.

Understanding the motives behind verbal baiting gives you the upper hand when dealing with manipulative conversation tactics. For starters, it prevents you going into fight or flight mode. That’s an important first step, because research from the Psychology of Aggression Journal reveals that verbal confrontations trigger a stress reaction in 62% of people. By being one of the 38% who are immune to this stress, you gain an immediate advantage.

For example, Martha was a team leader in a government agency. She had some tough people to manage, and one day she made a decision that they disliked. Three of her team ganged up on her during a team meeting. The ringleader used a range of baiting tactics, including sarcasm, guilt-tripping and twisting her words. However, Martha had attended my training course Difficult People Made Easy. Instead of getting defensive or emotional, she stayed calm and responded to the baiting pattern rather than the actual bait itself.

“Let’s take a step back and look at why we’re discussing this in such an intense manner. Is it because you don’t agree with my decision or is there another underlying issue?” she asked. This simple question stopped the baiting in its tracks and put Martha back in the lead of the conversation.

Want to master this skill for yourself? Check out my online courses on dealing with difficult behaviour today. They’re filled with practical strategies and techniques to help you navigate tricky conversations and handle difficult people with confidence.

This article was created by Eleanor Shakiba

Eleanor is a leadership trainer and success coach. Her mission is inspiring talented people to become leaders who make a difference.  Since discovering her passion for training and development, Eleanor has trained more than 60,000 people. She delivers face-to-face workshops for corporates, online masterclasses for leaders and Positive Psychology retreats for trainers, HR practitioners and leaders. 

Why does the perfect response to a verbal attack always come to you three hours too late? The answer is simple – it’s all due to your brain’s fight, flight, and freeze reaction. This is your brain’s natural response to threatening situations. It’s great for dealing with physical danger, but when it comes to verbal attacks, it can leave you feeling helpless. This is particularly true when your brain detects that someone is playing power games.

Power games are designed to reduce your autonomy and make you doubt yourself. However, there are simple ways to take back control, even in the trickiest situations. That’s the power of verbal self-defence. This discipline is all about staying calm, clear-headed, and assertive. It’s not about “winning” or putting other people in their place. Instead, it’s about protecting yourself against manipulative tactics. There are three main steps involved in verbal self-defense.

1. Spot their game

Every difficult person has a ‘game’ they play to gain the upper hand. Maybe it’s making cutting comments or twisting your words. Or maybe it’s baiting you with insults or smart remarks. Despite the fact that these attacks come out of the blue, they are surprisingly predictable. And that’s the secret to spotting games. When you recognise the attack pattern a verbal aggressor is using, you can stop reacting emotionally and start responding strategically.

2. Engage your thinking brain

The stressed-out part of your brain is not the best one to respond from. Engaging your logic centre is a smarter move. It helps you see the situation objectively and take back control. This isn’t simply a matter of ‘breathing deeply’. You need to master the art of emotion regulation – which is a great life skill to develop anyway.

3. Respond with a verbal attack response pattern

I teach ten of these in my online course Verbal Attack Response System. Verbal Attack Response System course. These include strategies for dealing with criticising, generalising, and making unfair ultimatums. Each one allows you to respond professionally and assertively without stooping to the other person’s level. They’re easy to learn and powerfully effective.

So, next time you find yourself in a difficult conversation with a manipulative or aggressive person, remember the three rules of verbal self-defence: spot their game, engage your thinking brain, and respond strategically. And if you need more help dealing with difficult people, check out my online courses here: Think Learn Succeed courses.

This article was created by Eleanor Shakiba

Eleanor is a leadership trainer and success coach. Her mission is inspiring talented people to become leaders who make a difference.  Since discovering her passion for training and development, Eleanor has trained more than 60,000 people. She delivers face-to-face workshops for corporates, online masterclasses for leaders and Positive Psychology retreats for trainers, HR practitioners and leaders. 

Handling people problems can challenge even the most seasoned manager. It’s frustrating, time-consuming and can derail your entire day. Yet, here’s the kicker— the emotional burden that comes with managing people is not widely acknowledged. Often, when you find yourself entangled in conflict or dealing with an emotionally charged situation, you’re left unsupported. Worse, the blame might even be laid on YOU. If this sounds all too familiar, it’s time to take action.

I want you to know something important. You’re not alone. The burden you’re carrying even has a name—toxic handling. It’s rarely discussed but is a major stressor for people managers. And just because your boss, HR, or peers might not fully understand this doesn’t mean your experience isn’t valid. I’ve been coaching and training managers since the mid 1990’s. And a recurring theme is how to manage the “people problem”.

For example, one manager said “I’ve been dealing with a toxic team member for months. It’s taken up so much of my time and energy, and now I’m completely exhausted.” This isn’t just stress—it’s burnout waiting to happen. And that’s concerning because burnout can lead to a loss of productivity, decreased job satisfaction, and ultimately, affect your overall well-being.

Another team leader explained things this way, “I feel like I’m constantly walking on eggshells around certain team members.” That’s a day-to-day struggle that no leader should face alone. Managers facing toxic people problems deserve more than dismissive advice—they deserve real support.

That’s why I’ve stepped in to create Manager SOS. It’s an urgent advice service tailored specifically for managers just like you. Here’s how it works. You can book a private Zoom call with me, and together we’ll build a customised action plan. This isn’t cookie-cutter advice. You’ll get practical tips for navigating difficult conversations, backed by strategies that work.

You don’t need to keep carrying this on your own. If toxic handling is weighing you down, now is the time to act. Book your Manager SOS session today and take the first step towards resolving those people problems—and getting the support you deserve.

This article was created by Eleanor Shakiba

Eleanor is a leadership trainer and success coach. Her mission is inspiring talented people to become leaders who make a difference.  Since discovering her passion for training and development, Eleanor has trained more than 60,000 people. She delivers face-to-face workshops for corporates, online masterclasses for leaders and Positive Psychology retreats for trainers, HR practitioners and leaders.