By Eleanor Shakiba Confidence interesting articles 0 Comments

Surprising Benefits of Saying “I Don’t Know” At Work

Everyone has moments where they feel inadequate. Yet, most people try to hide those feelings under a mask of false confidence. This is called the imposter syndrome and it affects over 70% of the population. A recent article on the topic helps shed light on the causes of imposter syndrome and how to conquer it.

So, what is the key to beating imposter syndrome? First, you need to understand where it comes from. The term imposter syndrome was coined by clinical psychologists Dr. Pauline Clance and Dr. Suzanne Imes in 1978. Dr. Valerie Young expanded upon their research by identifying five types of impostors: the soloist, the perfectionist, the natural genius, the superman/woman, and the expert.

The perfectionist feels as if giving 99% isn’t enough. According to Dr. Young, perfectionists need to understand that perfectionism inhibits success and not everything deserves 100%. The expert feels that they always need to acquire more knowledge. Yet, there is no end to knowledge.

The natural genius assumes that confidence and intelligence are natural traits that you’re born with. They need to realise that nothing is fixed. The soloist only feels competent when they complete tasks without help. However, smart people seek help from those who know more. The superman/woman feels that they must excel at everything instead of slowing down.

All five types of impostors benefit from reframing, which is a common practice in neuro-linguistic programming (NLP). The best way to stop feeling like an impostor is to reframe your thoughts. The next time that you feel inadequate, stop, and imagine how someone with more confidence may feel in that same moment. You can distance yourself from your feelings and reframe them from someone else’s perspective.

 

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Dr. Young offers an in-depth look at the reasons for feelings of inadequacy in the workplace. Read the original article here.

Imposter syndrome directly impacts your performance in the workplace. Instead of faking it until you make it, try admitting that you don’t have all the answers. You can say “no” and “I don’t know” occasionally. No one expects you to know everything.

I find that this is an especially important lesson for high achievers, leaders, and other professionals. Letting others know that you don’t know everything makes you more relatable. It can also go a long way toward boosting the confidence of subordinates.

According to Dr. Young, it’s also important to recognise that you can’t eliminate all feelings of inadequacy. Neuro-linguistic programming techniques provide a way to reframe your thinking. With practice, you can learn to normalise your feelings and stop holding yourself to unrealistic standards.

For those who want to act now, I recommend practicing saying “I don’t know.” Feel free to admit when you don’t have a solution. If you want additional tips on how to beat imposter syndrome, I’m ready to help. Take a moment to learn more about my one-to-one coaching and online courses at https://thinklearnsucceed.com.au.

By Eleanor Shakiba Confidence interesting articles 0 Comments

No Motivation? Here’s Why

Most people occasionally experience a lack of motivation. It’s natural to lose interest in a task or project, but what drives this loss of motivation? According to leading psychologists, rewards largely influence your desire to accomplish things. Receiving an internal or external reward helps keep people motivated.

So, what type of reward works best for motivation? The answer depends on the type of motivation. In psychology, motivation is either intrinsic or extrinsic. A recent article on verywellmind.com perfectly explains how rewards impact both types of motivation.

First, it’s important to understand the differences between intrinsic and extrinsic motivation. Intrinsic motivation is internally rewarding. It comes from behaviour that is mostly driven by your self-satisfaction instead of an external reward.

Activities that you engage in for fun are examples of intrinsic motivation. Hobbies are commonly intrinsically motivated. The self-satisfaction that you get from the activity is rewarding enough. Research suggests that adding external rewards on top of internal rewards decreases motivation. Psychologists call this the “over-justification effect”. Your intrinsic enjoyment of a task is sufficient justification for completing it. Adding an external reward creates the perception that the task is over-justified.

Extrinsic motivation comes from a desire to gain external rewards or avoid repercussions. You show up to work to earn money, which is an external reward. If you take away your pay, you’ll likely lack the motivation to go to the office.

 

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However, your performance is also influenced by a variety of intrinsic factors. You likely gain a sense of satisfaction when others recognise your hard work. You may also find completing a challenging work task intrinsically rewarding. If you want more information on how motivation works, read the original article here.

Motivation and self-confidence are closely linked. If you tend to suffer from imposter syndrome, your motivation could be to blame. Self-motivation gives you the drive to set and complete goals. Without this motivation, you may gradually lose confidence in your ability to get things done. Listing the ways that you find your work intrinsically rewarding can boost your motivation in the workplace.

A lack of confidence can also significantly lower your motivation. Without confidence, it’s more of a challenge to stay motivated. Luckily, it’s possible to increase both your motivation and confidence. Choosing the right reward system can boost your motivation to complete tasks. The more you accomplish the more your confidence in your abilities grows.

Building true confidence requires motivation. Based on the article discussed, a reward system is a powerful tool for becoming more motivated. Yet, motivation is only part of the equation for gaining confidence. Neuro-linguistic programming offers a way to reframe your thought patterns, including the way that you think about motivation. Learn how to beat imposter syndrome with my one-to-one coaching and online courses at https://thinklearnsucceed.com.au.

By Eleanor Shakiba Confidence tips 0 Comments

Should you believe the self-esteem hype?

Self-esteem has become one of the most hyped topics in the self-help world. Coaches, leaders, marketers, they all tell you, “Work on your self-esteem and then you’ll feel more confident”.

But is higher self-esteem really what you, as a competent and successful professional, need? What if you have a motivation problem instead of a confidence problem? A state called ‘languishing’ could be contributing to your low mood.  So, how can you beat the languishing blues and feel confident again?

Often, it’s about breaking bad habits. Three small changes can make a huge difference to your energy and motivation.

1. Stop doing stuff you hate

If you hate it, it exhausts your energy. It’s something you should delegate, outsource or do away with. Even if you CAN do it, it does you no good to keep it on your to-do list. As I say, “thank goodness some people love doing book-keeping”. Because I sure don’t!

 

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2. Stop putting work before play

Do the something you love every day. Don’t get up early to fit it in, either. Make time for it by working reasonable hours, splitting home chores equally between everyone who’s old enough to do them and setting reasonable limits on what you do for other people.

 

3. Stop kicking yourself for not knowing

You don’t have to know the answers to everything. In fact, research has shown that there are many reasons to simply admit you don’t know (yet). Check out my blog for a recent article on the benefits of saying ‘I don’t know’ at work.

By Eleanor Shakiba Confidence interesting articles 0 Comments

Power up your self-worth with this activity from Virginia Satir

Society is obsessed with self-esteem, but what about your self-worth? Your self-worth is vital to your overall happiness, confidence, and mental health. Everyone has self-worth, even if they don’t see it. Psychotherapist Virginia Satir explains that your thoughts and interactions with others are largely influenced by your self-worth. She also explains how to boost your self-worth with a simple visualisation activity.

So, how do you increase your self-worth? A great place to start is with a simple self-esteem-building activity. A recent article on cpydcoalition.org offers the perfect example. It’s an activity featured in Virginia Satir’s article Self-Worth: The Pot Nobody Watches. In this article, she used the metaphor of a pot to represent a person’s self-work. The following activity is based on this idea. As you complete it, you’ll create three separate pots that you fill with negative and positive messages.

First, you need to create a pot of ‘pot drainers. The pot drainers include negative messages. Fill this pot with the self-critical messages that make you feel bad about yourself. This typically includes messages from the inner critic during moments of self-doubt.

The second pot includes ‘pot cleansers’. The pot cleansers are positive messages and thoughts. Think of the things that you like about yourself. Pot cleansers help cleanse the negative thoughts from the previous pot. You can use the positive messages to reframe the negative messages. Balancing these two pots helps transform your outlook on life.

The third pot includes ‘pot fillers.’ The pot fillers are positive messages sent to you from others and yourself. Filling this third pot with compliments and recognition of your skills, abilities, and positive traits.

 

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When your first two pots are balanced and your third pot is full, you’re likely to experience more positivity in your life. You’ll be able to see more opportunities around you instead of feeling stuck in place. For more details, read the original article here.

If you’re a high achiever looking to build greater confidence and broaden your horizons, I highly recommend using Satir’s visualisation activity. Your confidence is linked to your sense of self-worth. If you don’t believe in your skills and abilities, it’s difficult to build confidence. The visualisation activity makes it easier to analyse your self-worth. Combating your negative messages with positive ones reshapes your perception of yourself.

Visualisation activities also give you the tools for boosting confidence in critical situations. You can use your ‘pot cleanser’ pot to replace negative feelings as they occur. You also alter your thought patterns related to how you think others perceive you. Filling your ‘pot fillers’ with positive messages from others provides anchors for maintaining confidence.

One of the main points of Virginia Satir’s visualisation activity is the importance of self-worth. It’s tied to your self-confidence. For best results, I recommend repeating the activity frequently. If you want to explore additional techniques to beat imposter syndrome, I can help. Learn more about my one-to-one coaching and online courses at https://thinklearnsucceed.com.au.

By Eleanor Shakiba Impact tips 0 Comments

Book

Did you know Eleanor Shakiba is the author of Difficult People Made Easy? Buy your copy of this practical guide to solving people problems today. It makes a great gift for HR and L&D experts who’ve had to deal with conflict this year!

 

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By Eleanor Shakiba Impact tips 0 Comments

Does self-esteem grow with age?

Self-esteem is the value you place on yourself. Having an appropriately high level of self-esteem is important for your mental health and self-agency. In other words, a high level of self-esteem enables you to act towards living a happier and more successful life. If you’re working on your self-esteem, you may be buying into a common myth: that low self-esteem in childhood translates into low self-esteem in adulthood. But is this true?

Thanks to researchers at the University of Bern, we’re now getting closer to answering this question. The research team did a large-scale analysis of studies on self-esteem. They drew together data from 164,868 participants. The results of this study are intriguing. They showed that self-esteem changes in predictable ways over your lifespan. And if you had low self-esteem during childhood, there is some good news. Although self-esteem may drop in middle childhood, it generally rises from there. The peak age for experiencing high levels of self-esteem is between 60 and 70 years. If you’re older than that, though, don’t assume you’re destined to experience poor self-esteem. In fact, the most significant drop in self-esteem occurs after 90 years.

Interestingly, the pattern of self-esteem development seems to be consistent regardless of gender, ethnicity and culture. It is interesting to note that self-esteem levels fluctuate across your lifespan. So let’s take a quick look at the pattern the research has detected.

 

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In early childhood, you didn’t really distinguish between yourself and others. Thus, you were more likely to have stable self-esteem. Between the ages of four and eight, though, you might have experienced a drop in self-esteem. This is probably because you are now able to compare yourself to your peers. Plus, as your cognitive skills developed, you began to understand that who you wanted to be was not necessarily who you really were. This difference between your ideal self and actual self has been shown to significantly impact on self-esteem.

If you had a troubled adolescence, it’s probably not surprising to hear that self-esteem often declines between the ages of 11 and 13. This seems to be because of the stress of identity changes that happen during the transition from childhood to adolescence. However, the Bern study revealed something intriguing. From around 15 years of age, self-esteem is likely to begin recovering.

If you think back to your early 20s, you’re probably realising that your self-esteem gradually began increasing around this time. The University of Bern study showed that a slow and steady increase in self-assurance occurs from this age on. So does the increase ever stop? Apparently, the answer is yes. Self-esteem seems to peak between the ages of 60 and 70. However, that’s not necessarily bad news. At this point it levels out, rather than declining. In fact, self-esteem seems to remain relatively static until the age of 90. Even at this point, decreases are not always large.

Of course, it is always possible to boost your self-esteem. Taking action to do this is constructive if you experience a lot of self-doubt or want to become more confident. If this is the case, remember that there’s lots you can do.

 

About the author: Eleanor Shakiba

Eleanor is a trainer and coach, with a passion for unleashing the power of positive deviance in talented people. She has taught more than 50,000 people how to excel professionally. An expert in the field of Positive Psychology, Eleanor is also qualified in Social Anthropology, Counselling, Coaching, Adult Education and Neuro Linguistic Programming. She specialises in helping HR and L&D practitioners to unleash the power of positive psychology in business. Her major focus in developing three key areas that support positive workplace cultures: positive mindset, proactive communication and purposeful leadership. Eleanor is the author of the Positive Psychology Toolkit for HR and L&D Practitioners. Download your free copy here.

By Eleanor Shakiba HR AND TRAINING TIPS 0 Comments

My daily confidence-reboot routine

Many people assume that because I teach confidence building skills, I must be naturally confident. That is definitely not the case. I am a positive psychology trainer because I found the field’s tools so useful in my own life. I’ve learned to be optimistic and believe in my own ability to create positive results. Over the years, I’ve developed a routine that helps me stay in thriving mode. If you’re interested in developing your own self-assurance, maybe some parts of this routine will be useful in your life.

Here are the five things I do daily, to maintain a positive psychological state. They’re all based on principles of positive psychology.

3-minute mindfulness activity

When I awake, I focus my attention on the here and now. I scan my environment and find something to appreciate. This morning, for example, it was a bird fluffing itself up on a branch outside my bedroom window. Finding something to be grateful for before I get out of bed is a helpful way to pry myself to ‘think positive’.

20-minute shot of caffeine-and-smiles

Okay. So the caffeine part isn’t evidence-based (yet). The smiles are, though. Being around positive people creates ‘positive resonance’. That’s why my daily routine includes pausing at my favourite café for coffee and a chat. Bertoni is a spot where everyone is cheerful and positive. There is a vibe amongst the staff, which customers can’t help but absorb. Especially on days where I’ll be working solo, spending 20 minutes in this environment helps keep me upbeat and happy.

 

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Limiting myself to ONE goal for the day

I have a tendency to overwork and be a perfectionist. That’s a legacy of imposter syndrome. At least these days I recognise it. The most practical way I’ve found to manage it is to limit myself to one major, but achievable, goal per day. This prevents me taking on too much, working excessive hours and exhausting myself.

45 minutes of exercise (like it or not)

I don’t really like going to the gym, but it does make a difference to my mood. I’ve researched the bare minimum amount of exercise required to stay healthy – both physically and psychologically. It seems that 45 minutes, three times a week is all it takes to boost mood. So that’s how long I spend in the gym each week. On the other days, though, I do activities that are more appealing. This includes walking to my favourite coffee shop, or dancing in the evenings.

Self-hypnosis session at bedtime

I’ve had a tendency towards insomnia since my teenage years. I blame my parents for introducing me to coffee at age 13. Fortunately, these days, there are many self-hypnosis products which help me relax and sleep. My favourite session is I Can Make You Sleep by Paul McKenna. I have a routine where I hook up my headphones and listen to this audio track in bed. What I really like about it, is that it is designed to let you drift into sleep without ‘waking up’ out of trance. That little touch makes all the difference to helping me drift off.

I firmly believe that everybody is capable of shifting into positive emotional states. This daily routine helps me to do just that. I encourage you to develop your own routine, so that you can experience a happy and empowered life.

 

About the author: Eleanor Shakiba

Eleanor is a specialist in positive psychology. Her passion is teaching talented people to use social and emotional intelligence to excel in business. These skills centre around building positive mindsets, proactive communication habits and purposeful leadership behaviours. Eleanor’s qualifications include degrees and diplomas in Social Anthropology, Positive Psychology, Counselling, Coaching, Adult Education and Neuro Linguistic Programming. She is also the author of the Positive Psychology Toolkit for HR and L&D Practitioners. This is a free resource for trainers and facilitators.

By Eleanor Shakiba HR AND TRAINING TIPS 0 Comments

Turbo powered metaphors: a trainer’s guide

My father was a philosophy lecturer. This meant bedtime stories. I grew up with what was slightly different to the average tales of Cinderella or Robin Hood. I was raised on tales of Diogenes, who lived in a wine barrel and peed on wealthy Athenians when they called him a dog. Another favourite character was Socrates, who taught by asking questions. And, of course, there was the author of rhetoric, Aristotle.

It turns out this early grounding in philosophy paid off. To this day, I draw on concepts from Socratic dialogue and rhetoric in my work as a trainer. In particular, I am fascinated by the ways trainers can use metaphors to enhance the impact of a training message. As Aristotle apparently once wrote, “To be a master of metaphor is a sign of genius.” I like to rewrite this quote slightly and say, “Mastery of metaphor is a sign of training genius.”

So what’s the best way to use metaphors? Well, that depends. It seems not all metaphors are created equal. There are five types of metaphors trainers should be aware of. How many of these do you currently use in your presentations?

Common metaphors

The name says it all. These are metaphors which are regularly used in everyday conversation. For example, calling an idea half-baked is a simple metaphor which most people would recognise. Trainers can use simple metaphors to make content accessible to course participants. However, avoid using too many common metaphors as they can make your presentations sound clichéd.

Extended metaphors

Yes! These are my favourites! They’re longer metaphors, which may, in fact, become stories. Many famous novels are extended metaphors. For example, the novel Lord of the Flies is a metaphorical exploration of human nature. The author, William Golding, stated that his book was “an attempt to trace the defects of society back to the defects in human nature”. The entire novel is structured around this concept.

How are extended metaphors useful for trainers? You can use them to trigger and sustain audience engagement just like Billy Connolly. He opens a metaphor at the start of a show, then circles back to expand upon it throughout the session. You can do this, too. This is a brilliant way to keep people listening.

 

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Sensory metaphors

These are metaphors which appeal to the senses. They use figurative language to tap into the power of sight, sound, smell, taste and touch. For example:

  • Chill out, everyone!
  • Today’s hot topic is…
  • Let’s get to grips with a new idea
  • Think of a sweet memory

Using sensory metaphors is a neat way to connect with kinaesthetic learners. So try some out in your next presentation.

Implied metaphors

These are short metaphors in which the speaker draws on assumed knowledge to create a figure of speech. They work because they are so simple that detailed explanation is not required. A good example is saying that someone has been “barking commands” at their team. Although the speaker does not explicitly mention a dog, it is obvious to the average listener that a comparison between a person and a dog is being made.

Visual metaphors

Unlike the previous metaphor types, these are not figures of speech. They are illustrations or images which are used to create a point. For example, a trainer might use an image of a pie as a visual metaphor illustrating the process of distributive negotiation. This involves splitting a limited resource between parties in a negotiation.

Overall, the purpose of using metaphors in presentations and training is to leave an impression. The stronger your metaphor, the more powerful the learning experience. If you’d like to find out more about using metaphors and other figurative devices in your sessions, check out my retreats and masterclasses for facilitators and trainers.

 

About the author: Eleanor Shakiba

Eleanor is a trainer and coach, with a passion for unleashing the power of positive deviance in talented people. She has taught more than 50,000 people how to excel professionally. An expert in the field of Positive Psychology, Eleanor is also qualified in Social Anthropology, Counselling, Coaching, Adult Education and Neuro Linguistic Programming. She specialises in helping HR and L&D practitioners to unleash the power of positive psychology in business. Her major focus in developing three key areas that support positive workplace cultures: positive mindset, proactive communication and purposeful leadership. Eleanor is the author of the Positive Psychology Toolkit for HR and L&D Practitioners. 

By Eleanor Shakiba POSITIVE PSYCHOLOGY 0 Comments

What is the negativity bias? by Eleanor Shakiba

This video is part of a positive psychology series. Find out more about positive psychology in Eleanor’s free eBook, the Positive Psychology Toolkit.

Gain greater confidence in your ability to reach goals. Squash your negativity bias so you can build a vibrant organisational culture. The negativity bias is a natural tendency to focus on, remember and ‘learn from’ negative experiences more easily than positive events. In this video, master trainer Eleanor Shakiba explains that it is possible to shift your perspective using a few simple tools from positive psychology. Learn how to replace negativity with hopefulness and optimism.

This video on negativity bias is part of a playlist of positive psychology videos by master trainer, Eleanor Shakiba. If you’re looking for resilience videos or positive thinking videos, subscribe to Eleanor’s channel for regular updates. To book Eleanor to train your team, visit her official site at Think Learn Succeed. To purchase training materials on resilience, learned optimism and employee wellbeing, visit the Think Learn Succeed shop.

 

 

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About the author: Eleanor Shakiba

Eleanor is a specialist in positive psychology. Her passion is teaching talented people to use social and emotional intelligence to excel in business. These skills centre around building positive mindsets, proactive communication habits and purposeful leadership behaviours. Eleanor’s qualifications include degrees and diplomas in Social Anthropology, Positive Psychology, Counselling, Coaching, Adult Education and Neuro Linguistic Programming. She is also the author of the Positive Psychology Toolkit for HR and L&D Practitioners. This is a free resource for trainers and facilitators.

By Eleanor Shakiba Impact tips 0 Comments

Yes! I have a coach, too. Here’s why

Why should professional facilitators be in coaching themselves? Well, I’m tempted to get on my high horse here. I firmly believe ‘people experts’ face the same challenges as therapists and coaches. Why do I believe this? Because helping others, as facilitators and coaches do, inevitably means dealing with your own ‘stuff’ as well as your clients’ issues. The best practitioners I have met in personal and professional development fields all have regular coaching or counselling themselves.

The bottom line is that professional supervision helps coaches and facilitators to:

  • Reflect on their coaching or training interventions
  • Manage any triggers or defences they experience when working with difficult client
  • Build coaching or facilitation plans in consultation with an external partner, thus ensuring they develop high impact approaches
  • Debrief after unsuccessful or challenging client interactions

There are also a number of personal benefits ‘people experts’ can gain from participating in regular coaching or supervision. Here’s why I attend coaching every month without fail.

As an introvert, I need a structure for reaching out

Introverts are autonomous and self-disciplined. This is often seen as a strength. Like all strengths, though, when taken too far. It can become a limiting characteristic. To me, the downside of being an autonomous practitioner is that I will build my own solutions rather than seeking expert assistance. Having a monthly coaching session prevents me doing this too often. It gives me a forum for talking through tricky decisions or complex situations. I often find that discussing a challenging scenario with my coach leads to faster and more effective solution finding than working solo.

 

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Sometimes I am too creative

Creativity is my signature strength. I love coming up with new ideas. Indeed, it’s impossible to stop myself from doing this. In the early stages of my career, I exhausted myself by trying to action every idea I developed. These days, I work a lot smarter. I keep a list of my brilliant ideas. Then I discuss these with my coach. By the end of our session, I’ve usually discarded most of the ‘shiny things’. Those that are left have been developed into concrete action plans, which become part of my business strategy.

This keeps my creativity working on the important things. It also enables me to switch between creative and practical modes in a way that suits my work style. It has taken me many years to realise that whilst thinking up new ideas is fun, actioning them takes a great deal of energy. It is therefore important to ensure I am spending my energy on the best ideas, rather than trying to do all of them.

I love learning by osmosis… otherwise known as modelling excellence

As an NLP trainer, I am passionate about learning from masterful practitioners. Working with a coach gives me a brilliant opportunity to observe a more experienced practitioner in action. This enriches my own client work, as well as giving me inspiration for reading up on new theories and professional developments.

Overall, I believe that coaches should walk our talk. We tell our clients, “Coaching is a foundation for masterful performance.” Therefore, it makes sense that we should be in coaching ourselves. Have I been true to my word here? Well, last year my coach and I celebrated 20 years of working together. That means I spent more than 200 hours as a coachee myself. Looking back, I can certainly confirm that every hour has contributed to my wellbeing and success.

Eleanor Shakiba is a positive psychology trainer and coach. To find out more about her approach to producing positive results with her clients, download the Positive Psychology Toolkit for HR and L&D Practitioners here. It’s a free resource, in which Eleanor explores the foundation techniques of positive psychology.

 

About the author: Eleanor Shakiba

Eleanor is a positive psychology trainer and coach. She consults to a range of sectors – including higher education, health, finance and local government. Eleanor has been running training and coaching sessions for people in high intellect professions since 1994. She is qualified in Social Anthropology, Positive Psychology, Counselling, Coaching, Adult Education and Neuro Linguistic Programming. She is also the author of the Positive Psychology Toolkit for HR and L&D Practitioners. This is a free resource for trainers and facilitators.