Are you a manager or supervisor struggling to handle team dramas or conflicts? If so, this week’s tips and video are for you! First up, you might be wondering how to tackle people problems. It’s a great question, so I made this video to give you a few general guidelines.

But now let’s consider what you can do when entire teams develop problematic relationships. For example, does it seem like your team has gone feral or turned into a really bad reality show. This is always a tough situation to handle but consider this: you might be inadvertently fuelling the fire. You see, sometimes the strategies managers use to ‘resolve’ conflict actually feed. This then traps everyone in what I call the Team Drama Cycle.

So, what exactly is the Team Drama Cycle? It’s a toxic communication pattern that arises when you address the symptoms of a conflict instead of its root cause. Imagine this. One of your team members is consistently late for meetings. You address this with her, she apologises and promises to improve. But, lo and behold, she’s late again the next day. And just like that, you’re caught in a relentless cycle of feedback chats, apologies, and unchanged behaviour. Sound familiar?

How to spot a team drama cycle

Signs you’re caught in a Team Drama Cycle are usually pretty obvious. Here are the three most common symptoms to look out for.

• Feeling like you’re having the same conversation over and over.
• Dreading giving feedback for fear of stirring up drama.
• Seeing the same team members involved in every drama. It’s like they’re addicted to conflict.

If you’ve ticked any (or all) of these boxes, it’s time for a change. It’s time to break free from this draining cycle and shift your communication style from ineffective to high impact. So, how do you make this shift? It’s all about learning to hold tough conversations without getting sidetracked by others’ drama tactics. Here are my top three tips for doing this without causing drama to escalate into full-blown conflict.

TIP 1: learn to handle dirty tactics

First up, learn how to predict, pre-empt and manage the dirty tactics people resort to during drama games. There are dozens of these, but you can learn strategies for dealing with them. In my minicourse The Verbal Attack Response System, for example, I explain how to deal with hostile criticism, toxic honesty, polarising statements and blaming or shaming generalisations.

TIP 2: set boundaries and make sure people adhere to them

Secondly, focus on setting boundaries and establishing healthy norms for behaviour. Sometimes this involves setting consequences for disrespectful or disruptive behaviour, but it can also mean simply modelling and enforcing the type of positive communication you want to see in your team.

TIP 3: work on team dynamics

Finally, foster a culture of open and honest communication. Make sure conflicts are addressed directly and promptly, instead of being swept under the rug. This might involve running some team-building sessions or teaching conflict resolution skills to your team. If this is done early, it can prevent small issues from escalating into full-blown dramas.

Breaking free from the Team Drama Cycle requires effort and commitment, but it’s worth it in the long run. Not only will you have a more harmonious and productive team, but you’ll also be setting an example for others to follow in handling conflicts effectively. So, don’t let team drama control your workplace any longer. Take action and break free from the cycle now. Your team (and your sanity) will thank you.

This article was created by Eleanor Shakiba

Eleanor is a leadership trainer and success coach. Her mission is inspiring talented people to become leaders who make a difference.  Since discovering her passion for training and development, Eleanor has trained more than 60,000 people. She delivers face-to-face workshops for corporates, online masterclasses for leaders and Positive Psychology retreats for trainers, HR practitioners and leaders. 

Have you ever felt like you’re not good enough, despite evidence to the contrary? Well, you’re not alone.  You could be experiencing Imposter Syndrome. That chronic self-doubt is not a figment of your imagination. Nor is it your fault. It’s a survival mechanism, which has been triggered by working in a complex, competitive environment where you are ‘different’ to your peers. You’ve probably been exposed to years of subtle pressure, criticism and social shaming without even knowing it.

I want you to remember this. Imposter Syndrome is not your fault. There are three factors that greatly increase your chances of developing it. None of these are ’caused’ by you. So, you don’t need resilience training or years of therapy.  Instead, you need to minimise your exposure to these three factors.

Paradoxical social norms

These are unspoken social ‘rules’ that make you feel conflicted. Why? Because they put you in a damned if you do, damned if you don’t situation. For example, as a woman in the workplace, you might be told to be assertive and confident. But when speak assertively, people may label you as ‘bossy’ or ‘abrasive’. This constant push and pull can lead to self-doubt and make you feel like an imposter.

The talent factor

You are a talented professional who knows your stuff.  But did you know that talent can also be a curse? It can lead to overcommitment, overwork and a constant state of ‘striving’ to be great. This relentless pursuit of perfection can leave you feeling perpetually ‘not good enough’. Sounds familiar? Yep. That’s Imposter Syndrome again.

Context and circumstance

Successful professionals and leaders are often thrust into high-pressure roles without adequate support. This can breed self-doubt and drive the thinking that causes Imposter Syndrome. The problem doesn’t originate from within you.  It is a result of organisational culture and pressure to perform in an increasingly complex world.

So, if you’re feeling like a fake, remember the problem is NOT you.  Three very real factors spark this feeling. But you can take back control and build true confidence. It’s surprisingly simple to do once you understand the root cause. To combat paradoxical social norms, challenge them. Speak up and challenge double standards in the workplace. To overcome perfectionism and self-sabotage, learn to use attention direction techniques. These help you hardwire you brain for confidence, by changing the way you interact with the world.

Finally, to reduce the impact of situational pressure, build a support network. Seek out positive people and don’t be afraid to ask for help. Remember that Imposter Syndrome is a common experience and it’s not your fault. But you can take steps to overcome it by understanding the root causes and taking control of your mindset and environment. You are capable, talented, and deserving of success. Keep pushing forward and trust in yourself.

This article was created by Eleanor Shakiba

Eleanor is a leadership trainer and success coach. Her mission is inspiring talented people to become leaders who make a difference.  Since discovering her passion for training and development, Eleanor has trained more than 60,000 people. She delivers face-to-face workshops for corporates, online masterclasses for leaders and Positive Psychology retreats for trainers, HR practitioners and leaders. 

Have you ever wondered why some people seem to exude confidence naturally, while the rest of us struggle to find it? The truth is, confidence is not a personality trait or a genetic gift, it is a skill that can be developed and improved upon. And it turns out that building confidence might be more about developing emotion regulation skills than working on your self-esteem or trying to be more ‘authentic’. Indeed, it’s important not to confuse authenticity with being emotionally dysregulated.

So, what is emotion regulation and how can strengthening it boost your confidence? Basically, it’s the ability to notice and manage your emotional states. Doing this helps you respond constructively to difficult situations and setbacks. This boosts your resilience, problem-solving ability and confidence. In fact, research from the University of California, Berkeley, shows that people with strong emotion regulation skills tend to be more resilient and adaptable, which helps them to be authentically confident.

Take Sarah, a seasoned project manager in a top tech company. She was once notorious for her volatile reactions under stress. However, after learning about emotion regulation, she started implementing techniques such solution-focused thinking and cognitive reframing. Over time, she became more composed, better at decision-making and more confident – a metamorphosis her colleagues couldn’t help but notice.

So, how can you, too, master emotion regulation and build genuine confidence? This is a topic I explore extensively in my free masterclass, Hardwired for Confidence. For now, though, here’s a quick overview of the three main skills involved in wiring your brain for deep confidence.

Attention direction

This skill involves choosing where you focus your attention. Emotionally regulated people are skilled at directing their attention to the present moment, rather than getting caught up in negative thoughts or worries about the future. They also have the ability to shift their attention away from things that trigger unhelpful emotions, such as comparing themselves to others.

Breakthrough thinking

Changing how you tackle problems and setbacks can have a powerful impact on your confidence. Emotionally regulated individuals are able to focus on solutions rather than dwelling on problems. They also are open to alternatives perspectives and are willing to shift their thinking in order to find effective solutions. This prevents them from getting stuck in negative thought patterns and increases their confidence in their ability to handle challenges.

Action reprogramming

Emotionally well-regulated people consciously choose how to respond, rather than reacting impulsively. This allows them to behave in ways that reap positive results. When you learn to change your habits and action-repertoires, you will naturally create a more positive life experience. This, in turn, boosts your confidence and self-assurance.

So, if you want to build complete confidence, it’s crucial to develop these three essential skills of emotion regulation.  By learning how to direct your attention, think more constructively and take intentional actions, you will experience a transformation in your confidence levels. And remember, building true confidence is not about pretending to be someone you’re not or ignoring your emotions, it’s about developing the skills to manage them effectively and authentically.

This article was created by Eleanor Shakiba

Eleanor is a leadership trainer and success coach. Her mission is inspiring talented people to become leaders who make a difference.  Since discovering her passion for training and development, Eleanor has trained more than 60,000 people. She delivers face-to-face workshops for corporates, online masterclasses for leaders and Positive Psychology retreats for trainers, HR practitioners and leaders. 

Have you ever had an idea ignored when you presented it, then applauded when a colleague made the same suggestion two minutes later? If this sounds familiar, I can guarantee you are not alone in your frustration. In fact, this is one of the most common problems participants in my Women in Leadership courses report. No, it’s not caused by flawed communication habits or self-sabotage.

Let’s be clear: idea theft is an insidious workplace behaviour. And it impacts female professionals far more often than their male counterparts. Now, there have been many studies into why this happens. But understanding the problem won’t necessarily help you stop idea thieves taking the credit you deserve. So, let’s focus on a different question. How do you head idea thieves off at the pass? After working with thousands of successful women, I’ve found three simple strategies that will help you protect your ideas.

Prime your audience to listen

Priming signals that what you are about to say is important. It’s like holding up a big sign with the words ‘Pay Attention!’ written across it. When done well, it creates a sense of anticipation and makes your audience eager to listen. And it’s surprisingly easy to do. Just say something along the lines of, “I’ve been investigating how to solve the problem of xyz.” This makes it very clear that YOU have done the work.

Map out your argument visually

Remember that ideas stick when they are presented visually as well as verbally. Use documents, diagrams and whiteboard sketches to get your point across. This ensures that your ideas are not only heard, but also seen and understood by everyone in the room. Don’t forget to put your name on your diagram you’re using a document. This simple act is a powerful declaration, stating, “this is my idea and I stand by it.”

End with a call to action

Never leave an idea hanging. Instead, end your suggestion with a clear call to action. Make it clear that you’re not just talking, you’re making a proposal. Use phrases like, “To move my proposal forward, I now need you to do a, b, and c.” This subtle shift in the power dynamic means others are compelled to act on your idea instead of appropriating it.

So there you have it. If you’re tired of having your ideas swiped, stop complaining about it. Use these three steps to firmly establish yourself as a thought-leader. One who has the confidence and assertiveness to claim ownership of their ideas. Keep priming your audience, mapping out your arguments and ending with a call to action. Soon you’ll see a noticeable difference in how your ideas are received and credited.

This article was created by Eleanor Shakiba

Eleanor is a leadership trainer and success coach. Her mission is inspiring talented people to become leaders who make a difference.  Since discovering her passion for training and development, Eleanor has trained more than 60,000 people. She delivers face-to-face workshops for corporates, online masterclasses for leaders and Positive Psychology retreats for trainers, HR practitioners and leaders. 

Have you ever wondered why so many high achievers have low confidence? Or why imposter syndrome seems to be the flipside of talent? Well, there’s a simple explanation.  The very traits that propel talented professionals towards success can also undermine confidence. For example, most high achievers have exceptional levels of self-discipline. But that can mean they never take breaks – which is a guaranteed way to burn out and destroy your confidence. In fact, I’ve seen so many talented professionals fall into this trap that I’ve made it my mission to help. That’s why I created the Complete Confidence Lab, which is enrolling now.

In the Complete Confidence Lab, I explain three paradoxical thinking patterns which can snare you in a cycle of imposter syndrome and low confidence. Do you relate to any of them? I sure do!

The competence myth

This is the belief that you can’t be confident unless you know how to do everything. Think about it. That’s an impossible standard to live up to. If you believe the competence myth, chances are you ‘re constantly comparing yourself to others and finding yourself lacking. Obviously, that’s one of the fastest ways to destroy your confidence. So, stop equating competence and confidence. They’re not the same thing.

The control myth

Have you ever been told you’re too controlling? Or do you joke about being a control freak? If so, you’re probably under the spell of the control myth. This is the belief that being in control will make you feel confident.  But here’s the truth – nobody can control everything. Trying to do so will only lead to stress and anxiety, not confidence. It’s time to explore how genuinely self-assured people tackle life. Spoiler alert: it’s all about learning to thrive in uncertainty.

The high standards myth

Yikes. This one is tricky to beat. That’s because having standards is so strongly associated with success. And it’s true that high standards are great… up to a point. However, too much of a good thing can be damaging.  It leads to perfectionist overworking and constant self-criticism. Both of which feed imposter syndrome.

Do these thinking patterns sound familiar? If so, you’d be a great candidate for the Complete Confidence Lab. Check it out here and join me in breaking free from imposter syndrome and building lasting confidence.

This article was created by Eleanor Shakiba

Eleanor is a leadership trainer and success coach. Her mission is inspiring talented people to become leaders who make a difference.  Since discovering her passion for training and development, Eleanor has trained more than 60,000 people. She delivers face-to-face workshops for corporates, online masterclasses for leaders and Positive Psychology retreats for trainers, HR practitioners and leaders. 

Are you ready to take your professional success to the next level? Look no further!  The way to get there is by harnessing the power of complete confidence. And there’s a simple formula for doing that: program your brain’s confidence circuits; swap self-defeating behaviour for success regimes and use breakthrough thinking to unearth great solutions every time you hit problems. These are the thinking habits that hardwire your brain for confidence. Now let’s look at each step in more detail. Remember, the key is to practice, practice and practice until each thinking habits become second nature. My favourite way to master new thinking habits is to choose ONE to focus on each week. Whenever opportunities arise to use the thinking tool, try it out. Soon, using it will be automatic and you can move onto mastering the next skill.

Program your brain’s confidence circuits

It’s sad but true. Your brain is built to keep you alive, not make you confident. This is why is seems easier to focus on where you went wrong, rather than what you did right. But thankfully, the brain is a bit like plastic – it can be moulded and reshaped to support new habits. To make confidence your default state, you need to do two things.

First, you must strengthen your self-belief circuits. Then you must weaken your self-sabotage circuits. Use the power of mental rehearsal to achieve both outcomes. First, imagine a fully confident version of yourself. Then imagine that New You thriving in situations where the old you struggled. Do this every day to activate the neural pathways support confident states.

Swap self-sabotaging behaviours for success regimes

From avoiding conflict to zealous over-working, there are a thousand ways to sabotage yourself every day. To be truly confident swap your self-limiting habits for success regimes. For example, instead of putting off difficult tasks, make a habit of doing them first thing. Or learn to raise issues assertively instead of avoiding tough conversations. Think about the behaviours that are holding you back and replace them with actions that drive success.

Use breakthrough thinking to solve problems

News flash: confident people encounter as many problems as you do.  But they tackle them differently. They don’t dwell on what the problem is or how bad it feels. Instead, they focus on finding solutions. This is where breakthrough thinking comes in. It’s a skill I teach in my free masterclass, Hardwired for Confidence. So, if you haven’t learned how to do it, sign up and learn today!

Remember that confidence isn’t a personality trait. It’s a skill that can be learned at any age. By programming your brain’s confidence circuits, swapping self-sabotaging behaviours for success regimes, and using breakthrough thinking to overcome problems, you can boost your confidence and achieve greater success in all aspects of your life. So what are you waiting for? Start using these thinking habits today and watch as your confidence soars!

This article was created by Eleanor Shakiba

Eleanor is a leadership trainer and success coach. Her mission is inspiring talented people to become leaders who make a difference.  Since discovering her passion for training and development, Eleanor has trained more than 60,000 people. She delivers face-to-face workshops for corporates, online masterclasses for leaders and Positive Psychology retreats for trainers, HR practitioners and leaders. 

What do high-impact communicators do differently to the rest of us? They don’t necessarily speak more often or in greater detail. In fact, many highly influential professionals speak less than the average person. Firstly, they speak with confidence and from a position of strength rather than self-doubt.

Secondly, impactful communicators choose their words carefully. They have mastered the art of verbal framing. This skill involves carefully selecting and arranging your words, so your message becomes easier for listeners to absorb. For example, imagine you’re trying to persuade a colleague to agree to an idea you’re proposing. You could focus on what’s in it for them – highlighting how your proposal will make THEM look good or get ahead. Alternatively, you could explain how the idea will help YOU. Which approach do you think will be most successful?

If you chose the first option, you’re spot on. Research has shown that framing to match your colleague’s needs is way more likely to succeed. Here are three quick tips that will take your framing skills to the next level.

Forget about yourself and focus on them

Persuasive frames directly appeal to your listener’s needs and interests. Take the time to understand what others want and why they want it. Then deliver your message in a way that resonates with them. By doing so, you’ll speak to impress! You’ll also sound more confident because your attention will be turned towards them. That reduces the likelihood you’ll be struck by stage-fright, as you’ll be less likely to ruminate and worry about what might go wrong in the conversation.

Use concrete, specific language

The more specific your language, the better others will understand and respond to what you’re saying. Instead of saying “This will help our team succeed,” try something like “This will help achieve our target of increasing sales by 10% this month.” Specificity adds weight to your message by fitting it into the listener’s real-life experience.

Speak to connect

As an NLP trainer, I can assure you that words matter. To effectively communicate, you need to speak the other person’s language, not your own. Listen attentively to what others say. Pay close attention to the words they emphasise or use passionately. Then use those words useful. This deepens rapport and also makes your message easier to understand. By matching your conversation partner’s language, you can help your message get through without resistance.

If you want to be more flowing, persuasive and impactful in your communications, remember these three tips. After all, confident communicators don’t just speak with self-assurance, they also know how to frame a message in ways that connect and resonate with others.

This article was created by Eleanor Shakiba

Eleanor is a leadership trainer and success coach. Her mission is inspiring talented people to become leaders who make a difference.  Since discovering her passion for training and development, Eleanor has trained more than 60,000 people. She delivers face-to-face workshops for corporates, online masterclasses for leaders and Positive Psychology retreats for trainers, HR practitioners and leaders. 

In 2006 I wanted to set up my own business. But something was holding me back: a deep-seated fear of uncertainty. I lay awake imagining everything that could go wrong: losing all my savings, never finding any customers and feeling like a complete failure. Luckily, I had a great coach. He asked me to list everything I was worried about. Then he asked, “What would happen if everything turned out all right?” Suddenly it hit me. Uncertainty can go both ways. It was time to step out of my comfort zone and into my impact zone.

My biggest lesson since then has been this: success rarely comes without uncertainty. Whether you’re starting a business, changing careers or beginning a new relationship, there will always be risks and unknowns. There’s no point trying to eliminate uncertainty.  Instead, learn how to manage it. Here are my favourite two ways to do this.

Challenge your brain’s reaction to uncertainty

Remember, your brain is built to avoid risk.  It’s constantly scanning for threats and seeking to ways protect you. But sometimes this ‘negativity bias’ can work against you. When your brain reacts to uncertainty by triggering your fear reaction, challenge it. Ask yourself these three questions.

• Is this fear based on facts or is it just my brain trying to keep me comfortable?
• What opportunities might I be missing out on if I let this fear hold me back?
• What are the potential benefits of accepting uncertainty right now?

Expand your time horizon

During a fear reaction, your brain focuses on the short-term.  That makes sense because it’s trying to protect you in the here-and-now. However, it also means you may be missing out on the bigger picture. When faced with uncertainty, try expanding your time horizon and creating a vision of how you want the future to be.

Ask yourself these three questions.

• How might this situation look in a week? In a month? In a year?
• What are my ultimate goals and how does this uncertainty fit into them?
• Am I willing to sacrifice potential long-term success for short-term comfort?

So the next time uncertainty comes knocking at your door, don’t greet it with fear. Open the door, invite it in and spend time learning to love it. Just like a stray cat, it might turn out to be a source of great joy and opportunity.  And if you need any further convincing, just look to some of the most successful entrepreneurs, innovators and leaders in history. They all have one thing in common: they willingly embraced uncertainty and used it to their advantage.

This article was created by Eleanor Shakiba

Eleanor is a leadership trainer and success coach. Her mission is inspiring talented people to become leaders who make a difference.  Since discovering her passion for training and development, Eleanor has trained more than 60,000 people. She delivers face-to-face workshops for corporates, online masterclasses for leaders and Positive Psychology retreats for trainers, HR practitioners and leaders. 

Do you ever find yourself stuck in a cycle of self-sabotaging behaviours? It’s soooo frustrating, isn’t it? The sensible part of you is saying ‘No! Don’t do this again’. Meanwhile, that other part of you is whispering ‘It’s easier to do it this way’ or ‘I’ll quit tomorrow’. Sigh. Why do you keep doing this?

Well, the answer is simple: you are getting a ‘secondary gain’ out of it. A secondary gain is a reward, either tangible or psychological, that you are reaping from your behaviour. This benefit can range from feeling comforted, to gaining attention or avoiding responsibilities.

Yes, it’s sad but true: self-sabotaging behaviours have hidden benefits. That’s why smart people do things they know they shouldn’t. For instance, imagine a successful team leader who works long hours. She really resents working harder than anyone else. However, she keeps coming in early and staying back late. That’s because she is hooked on the praise she gets from her manager for handing in ‘perfect’ work. The praise is her secondary gain.

Knowing this gives the team leader a way to break her workaholic cycle for good. You see, if she finds a healthier way to do high-quality work, she won’t need to overwork. She could train her team to help her out, delegate more and focus on working strategically instead of being so hands-on.

You can use this approach to habit change, too. If you identify what the secondary gain of any ‘bad’ habit is, you’ll be able to get some gain without the pain! Try this technique on any of these Top 10 low confidence  habits:

1. Over-eating
2. Procrastinating
3. People-pleasing
4. Working too hard
5. Perfectionism
6. Saying ‘yes’ when you want to say ‘no’
7. Arguing
8. Being disorganised
9. Putting yourself down
10. Staying out of the limelight

Remember,  no one is trapped forever in their ‘bad’ habits!  You can consciously choose to see the bigger picture, and make a plan to break your habit cycle. With an understanding of secondary gain as your guide, you can take steps towards creating healthier behaviour patterns.

This article was created by Eleanor Shakiba

Eleanor is a leadership trainer and success coach. Her mission is inspiring talented people to become leaders who make a difference.  Since discovering her passion for training and development, Eleanor has trained more than 60,000 people. She delivers face-to-face workshops for corporates, online masterclasses for leaders and Positive Psychology retreats for trainers, HR practitioners and leaders. 

Are you surrounded by people who seem way more confident than you? Well, let me share a secret: many people APPEAR confident, but that doesn’t mean they’re naturally self-assured. It’s certainly not true that some people are ‘born confident’ or that confidence is part of your personality. Just like imposter syndrome, low confidence is caused by lots of factors. All of which you can overcome! Watch this week’s video for some insights into the real cause of imposter syndrome. Which is also one of the triggers for low confidence.

You see, confidence is not ‘part’ of you. It’s a mindset, which is  driven by your belief in your abilities. And those beliefs can change at any stage of  your life. In fact, brain research shows that you can rewire your brain and change your thinking habits from the cradle to the grave. And that’s great news. It means you’re never too young to be confident and… you’re never too old to be confident!

You can learn to activate confidence by mastering a few mind-management tools. I recommend using  Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP) to build your emotional mastery, because they are quick to learn. For example, you can use NLP to trigger a confident state just by focusing your attention the right way. Did you know that your brain can’t tell the difference between what is real and what is imagined? That means you can change your mood just by using your imagination and your memory. Many NLP state management tools help you do this.

Try this easy technique right now. Close your eyes and remember a time you WERE confident in the past. Replay that memory, paying attention to what you saw,  heard and felt during that confident experience.  Make the memory as vivid as you can.  Use all your senses as you remember how you ‘coded’ your confidence. You’ll soon notice yourself feeling more confident in real time. That’s because you’ve just activated your ‘confidence pathways’.

Thousands of people use NLP every day. And why is that? Because it’s fastest and easiest way to change your thinking and change your state. If you’d like more tips on using NLP or on building complete confidence, come along to one of my online classes. I’d love to help you master the art of confident thinking!

This article was created by Eleanor Shakiba

Eleanor is a leadership trainer and success coach. Her mission is inspiring talented people to become leaders who make a difference.  Since discovering her passion for training and development, Eleanor has trained more than 60,000 people. She delivers face-to-face workshops for corporates, online masterclasses for leaders and Positive Psychology retreats for trainers, HR practitioners and leaders.