Being fully in control of your day might seem like the best way to shine at work. But in fact, it decreases your flexibility and increases your stress. Sure, many successful professionals believe that planning and being ‘across everything’ will increase their impact because it means  they’re ‘in control’ of their day. Unfortunately, that’s just not true. I’ve been working with leaders and high achievers for over 20 years. Time after time I’ve heard clients – especially female managers – describe a devastating cycle of stress and overwork caused by what I call the ‘myth of being in control’. Along with two other myths (the competence myth and the high standards myth) this misconception holds savvy professionals back in droves.

Signs the ‘control myth’ might be holding you back

Here’s what happens. A gifted professional gets promoted. Up until that point, her dedication to being across every detail has led to praise and rewards. But now she’s a team leader. It’s impossible for her to be across everything.  However, she still craves control. She keeps trying to predict and pre-empt things that MIGHT go wrong. This just adds to her workload, without helping at all.  Soon she has WAAAY too much to do and feels totally out of control.

Do those signs seem familiar?

If so, you are not to blame for believing the control myth. You have been socialised to think control gives you an edge. Plus you’re human. The desire for 120% control is such a common distorted thinking pattern, psychologists have given it a name: the control fallacy. This is a thinking bias. It causes you to misjudge how much influence you have over events. Either you assume you have NO control over your life. Or you believe you’re responsible for everything. Both of these thinking patterns trigger brutal, self-imposed feelings of overwhelm, shame and stress.

Here’s how to break free

Savvy professionals don’t believe the control myth. They notice and challenge their own distorted thinking patterns – including the control myth. This is very simple to do, once you master the art of self-regulation. I recommend using Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP)  tools to do this. For example, you can use Meta Model questions to bust the beliefs that drive your need for control. Or you can reprogram the unconscious ‘anchors’ that trigger your desire to be across everything, all the time. What I love about these techniques is that once you’ve learned them, you can use them all by yourself. You don’t need ongoing coaching or years of therapy. NLP is fast, fun and easy to learn.

This article was created by Eleanor Shakiba

Eleanor is a leadership trainer and success coach. Her mission is inspiring talented people to become leaders who make a difference.  Since discovering her passion for training and development, Eleanor has trained more than 60,000 people. She delivers face-to-face workshops for corporates, online masterclasses for leaders and Positive Psychology retreats for trainers, HR practitioners and leaders. 

Every day, we see another headline about Quiet Quitting: people  resigning, retiring and changing careers in droves. Much of the conversation centers around managers being at fault for this trend, but this simply isn’t helpful. Really, it has more to do with post-pandemic weariness than anything else. This is a delayed reaction to three years of global turbulence, loss and chaos. I don’t think this is really ‘burnout’ in the true sense of the word. A far  better label would be ‘exhaustion’. It’s a state caused by being stuck in a limbo zone between stress and success.

Sadly, while large numbers of  employees are feeling this deep  exhaustion, their managers aren’t too far behind. It’s easy to point fingers and assign blame during chaotic times, but this does nothing more than add to the mental overload already being felt by supervisors, managers and leaders. The truth is that people at all levels are realigning themselves after three years of stress. That’s one hundred percent predictable and normal.

So, instead of blaming managers for the Quiet Quitting trend let’s focus on supporting everyone. We all need a sense of support and respect during tough times. Managers also need to know that the invisible ‘toxic handling’ burden they carry is recognised. After all, people leaders have been carrying huge responsibility for enabling both businesses and teams to keep going over the past three years. Now we need to help them to reset, regain their energy and reconnect with their purpose and vision. Here are three practical ways to do this.

Express thanks

Recognise what managers have been through during the pandemic and thank them for their efforts. Their resilience, hard work and dedication shouldn’t go unnoticed. Point out that they’ve supported the business and team through unprecedented challenges.

Stop sending them to resilience training!

The time for resilience training is over. Focus your development programs on helping managers to reflect and renew. Create a dynamic, positive space for them to reconnect with their own vision and purpose – as well as the organisation’s vision.

Offer flexible working

Flexibility helps everyone to reset and recover from burnout. Allow managers the option of reduced hours, secondments, jobsharing or even career breaks if they need them. A change is better than a resignation, after all.

The key takeway here is that  instead of blaming managers for the Quiet Quitting trend, we should focus on supporting everyone. We all need a sense of support and respect during tough times. And managers should be included in our efforts to make the future brighter.

This article was created by Eleanor Shakiba

Eleanor is a leadership trainer and success coach. Her mission is inspiring talented people to become leaders who make a difference.  Since discovering her passion for training and development, Eleanor has trained more than 60,000 people. She delivers face-to-face workshops for corporates, online masterclasses for leaders and Positive Psychology retreats for trainers, HR practitioners and leaders. 

Phew. It’s been a tough few years. At times I was tempted to retire, but thanks to my brilliant team, I’m entering 2023 with a new sense of passion and purpose. I hope you’re treading a similar path. My prediction is that 2023 will see a rise in retreats, one to one coaching and face-to-face training as we all process our experiences from the last 15-24 months. And I’m thrilled to announce that I have some exciting new sessions launching in 2023. These will help you step up your game and reach greater heights of success. Here’s what ‘s in store.

Bali retreats are back!

Finally we’re back on track with my  Bali retreats for leaders, trainers and HR practitioners. These are opportunities to dive deep into Positive Psychology and learn how to use it to create dynamic teams. Yes! The Bali retreats are designed to provide inspiring guidance, revitalising activities and new wisdom. You’ll create lasting connections with like-minded professionals and be equipped with powerful tools that you can immediately use at work.

Mojo reboot is launching soon

The Mojo Reboot online coaching lab is launching again. It’s an incredible 21 day journey created specifically for busy professionals who want to reboot their ambition, optimism and career focus. Watch out for the early bird deals. They’ll be coming soon.

New coaching lab: Rise of the High Impact Leader

Finally, if you feel unheard or invisible at work then my NEW Rise of the High Impact Leader program is designed just for you! I’ve  been hard on this course, which will equip you with the skills needed to make a real difference at work and rise through the ranks of leadership.

Complete confidence goes self-paced

Sometimes it’s hard to make all the dates in an online program. So I’ve got you covered. This year, Complete Confidence with NLP will be launching in self-paced format. All the lessons will be available in recorded format. PLUS you’ll have access to drop in coaching labs. Thanks to everyone who suggested this. It’s an exciting evolution of the Complete Confidence program!

I  hope you’re as excited about 2023 as I am! I’m looking forward to helping you reach new heights of success this year. Wishing you a joyous start to a new year filled with successful endeavours!

This article was created by Eleanor Shakiba

Eleanor is a leadership trainer and success coach. Her mission is inspiring talented people to become leaders who make a difference.  Since discovering her passion for training and development, Eleanor has trained more than 60,000 people. She delivers face-to-face workshops for corporates, online masterclasses for leaders and Positive Psychology retreats for trainers, HR practitioners and leaders. 

As the end of 2022 approaches, I am filled with gratitude for your support and participation in my programs. My passion is working with people who want to make a difference and you are one of those people. Thank you!

This year the amazing team at Think Learn Succeed achieved many fantastic milestones. We took Complete Confidence with NLP to a much wider audience by making it self-paced. Plus, we launched our new program Rise of the High Impact Leader, in both online and face-to-face mode.

And personally, I finally achieved my dream of becoming a ‘digital nomad’. It has been so exciting to live part-time in Bali, whilst still working with my wonderful and inspiring clients! This was my goal back in 2019, so it was wonderful to finally achieve it.

I hope you, too, have seen some successes and positive times. I can’t wait to continue working with you in 2023!

Warmest wishes for a safe and happy holiday season.

This article was created by Eleanor Shakiba

Eleanor is a leadership trainer and success coach. Her mission is inspiring talented people to become leaders who make a difference.  Since discovering her passion for training and development, Eleanor has trained more than 60,000 people. She delivers face-to-face workshops for corporates, online masterclasses for leaders and Positive Psychology retreats for trainers, HR practitioners and leaders. 

Once upon a time, confidence was thought of as an innate personal trait. Folks believed that some people are born with it and others are not. These days, we know that isn’t true; people don’t have confident personalities. Instead, we learn to think in ways that influence our self-worth.

So, what’s confidence? It’s an attitude or a way of focusing your mind. Research has shown that confidence blossoms when you focus your attention on three key elements.

Self-efficacy

When you’re confident, you believe your actions can create positive results. This increases your willingness to act and therefore boosts your chances of achieving your goals. Psychologists call this having a high level of ‘self-efficacy’. According to positive psychologist, Martin Seligman, working on your self-efficacy is more important than building your self-esteem if you want to boost confidence.

Internal locus of control

What do you think controls your life? External forces, such as fate, luck or nature? Or your own efforts? Confident individuals believe that control comes from within. Thus, they focus their attention on things they can influence. As Mira Kirshenbaum says, “the secret of confidence is focusing on what you can control, not what you can’t”.

Uplifting emotions

Positive emotions don’t just feel good, they also help you learn, bond with others and think flexibly. Barbara Fredrickson is a renowned scholar in the field of social psychology. She has identified the 10 most psychologically beneficial emotions as joy, gratitude, serenity, interest, hope, pride, amusement, awe and love.

You CAN shift into the thinking habits that support high confidence. Get started by upgrading your focus skills today.

Do you believe that positive thoughts and confidence go together? Wrong! A study has found that confident people have just as many moments of pessimism and negative thoughts as the rest of us. So, negative thoughts don’t harm your self-assurance. It’s what you do next that makes the difference.

Unconfident people do nothing. Confident people take action. Why? Because confident people believe that their actions can lead to positive results. They have high levels of personal power (psychologists call this self-efficacy).

Combining self-efficacy with emotion regulation and another ‘secret ingredient’ creates a solid foundation for authentic confidence. Of course, I’m not the first coach to point out that confidence is NOT a one-dimensional state. All personal change modalities, spiritual systems and models of the human mind frame confidence as a complex ecosystem. Simply put, a confident mind consists of many parts.

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One of my favourite models comes from the family therapist, Virginia Satir. She said there are five freedoms:

1. The freedom to see and hear what is;
2. The freedom to say what you feel and think;
3. The freedom to feel what you actually feel;
4. The freedom to ask for what you want
5. The freedom to take risks on your own behalf.

Virginia Satir wasn’t just a therapist, she was also a poet. To me, Satir’s five freedoms provide a solid foundation for confidence. I hope you’ll extend them to others and claim them for yourself.

Imposter syndrome puts a grey filter over your success. It dulls your confidence and washes out your brightest achievements.  Ironically, some of the habits we hope will quell imposter syndrome actuallymake it worse. The fact is this: beating imposter syndrome means ditching habits that feel normal and natural to you as a success-minded professional.  Habits such as planning and goal setting, critical thinking and dedicating the bulk of your time to work (which, of course, you claim to love so much that it feels like play).

Over-planning

My Myers Briggs personality type is INFJ, so I love a good plan. But even I must admit that the planning habit can go too far. If you’re making contingency plans to back up contingency plans, it’s time to hit pause.

The problem with over-planning is it can prompt anxiety, especially if you combine it with attempting to predict and prevent worse case scenarios. So, you need to stop doing it. Switch off your busy brain by using NLP trance techniques, getting into the great outdoors or chilling out instead of stressing out.

Overworking

Many high achievers do this because they love their work. This makes it easier to go into a flow state and lose track of time. However, hard work is like chocolate consumed in small doses – it elevates and energises. But if you indulge in it every day, you’ll soon get sick of it.

Breaking the habit of overworking is easier if you take these three steps:

1. Lower your standards. Perfectionism is the leading cause of overwork because it results in poor use of your time and energy.
2. Learn to delegate and outsource. Just because you CAN do something doesn’t mean you SHOULD.
3. Take up a new hobby. Some people overwork to combat boredom. Don’t YOU be one of them.

Overthinking

Second-guessing every decision. Mulling over pros and cons. Asking endless ‘what if’ questions. These are all signs you’re mired in Dark Triad habit number three: overthinking.

Yes, competent professionals think critically. But no, that doesn’t mean you should dissect every idea or question every action. Let’s face it, strong leadership requires deep and authentic confidence in your decision-making skills. You need to develop these skills, but you don’t need to do this alone.

Indeed, in 2018, researchers studied the way brain activity related to confidence when people are making decisions. It turned out that activity in the ventromedial prefrontal cortex was a reliable indicator of confidence.

Why is this interesting? Because the same brain region is associated with reward processing, emotion regulation, empathy and social cognition, which might just hint at why it’s easier to make complex decisions when talking things through with a coach, mentor or trusted advisor.