Category: Confidence tips

Why do so many gifted women experience imposter syndrome in this day and age? After all, we’ve spent decades delivering assertiveness training and women in leadership programs. But still women are their own harshest critics. As one of my coaching clients recently observed, “It’s as though my success is based on beating myself up internally every day”.

Here are my thoughts on why this happens. Put simply, it’s a result of the double binds and strictures women face when they dare to excel at work. These include:

• Pressure to excel, while, at the same time, not standing out or ‘bragging’ about their achievements
• Condemnation for being ‘pushy’ when speaking directly and assertively
• Internal struggles experienced when social programming around minimising power differences conflicts with the need to build authority and credibility as a leader
• Expectations that women should be ‘nurturing and accommodating’ distorting perceptions of their behaviour when female leaders deliver assertive feedback or manage under-performance and disciplinary matters

Female professionals and leaders grapple with these pressures on a daily basis. So, it’s not surprising that many end up doubting their own credibility, competence and professional worth. In other words, experiencing chronic self-doubt.

This is the type of self-doubt that Manfred Kets de Vries labelled ‘neurotic imposture’. Kets de Vries argued that this is a pervasive form of imposter syndrome that is the “flip side of giftedness”.  It’s caused by the stress of being a high achiever while conforming to social norms that expect you to be humble.

You can read more about neurotic imposture in my recent blog post on the topic. For now, though, let’s consider some practical steps you can take to reduce its impact in your professional life. Here are the top three strategies I share with clients in my Authentic Confidence programs.

1. Speak up about your achievements, using relevancy frames from NLP. These help you spotlight your expertise and talents without triggering others’ ‘pushy cow’ reactions.

2.Get a kickass coach or mentor and schedule your meetings upfront. Don’t wait until something goes wrong before contacting them. Successful coaching prevents problems occurring in the first place!

3. Work to your strengths and delegate to your weaknesses. Stop trying to be perfect at everything. Stick to being in your zone of brilliance and authentic confidence!

Recently, I ran a free confidence bootcamp. It was full of people who said, “I’m normally a confident person. But recently, I’ve had too many disasters and challenges to deal with. It seems like nothing I do makes a difference. I’ve just stopped trying”.

That’s not low confidence. It’s learned helplessness, which psychologists define as a mental state experienced after “enduring repeated aversive stimuli beyond their control”. Of course, you’re more likely to experience learned helplessness when you have low levels of control, autonomy and choice. For example, research has shown that command-and-control business cultures trigger learned helplessness in employees.

So, what can we learn from this? For a start, it’s important to know the difference between learned helplessness and low confidence. If your brain has gone into helpless, hapless and hopeless mode (my label for learned helplessness), do something about it.

A great way to start is by priming your mind for action with neurolinguistic programming (NLP). That’s because the fastest way to shift out of learned helplessness is by boosting your self-efficacy (otherwise known as personal power) and doing something to address your situation.

So many high achievers believe that being uncertain, unsure or anxious about the future means they’re not confident. Today, I want to dispel that myth by exploring two interesting points about fear.

First, let me remind you that fear is a normal emotion. Confident people experience it just as much as everyone else. However, they process it differently to those of us with fixed, helpless or unconfident mindsets.

Second, I want to share some intriguing research on a key connection between fear and imposter syndrome. It turns out that a very specific sort of worry – fear of failure – drives imposter thinking. But only in some people: those of us with strong goal orientations. To me, this explains why so many leaders, high achievers and successful people battle with imposter syndrome. You can read more about this topic in my recent blog article, here.

For now, here is my favourite tip on how to reduce your fear of failure: don’t set goals but design experiments. Know WHAT you want to achieve but be flexible about how to get there. If one tactic doesn’t work, do something else. That’s not failing; it’s learning.

Imposter syndrome is particularly difficult to beat because it distorts your mental processing in such pervasive and paradoxical ways. It’s driven by a frustrating double bind where the very patterns of thinking and behaviour that so subtly erode your self-esteem also reap significant rewards.

I call these patterns the Dark Triad of imposter syndrome. What are they?

1. Overthinking

Your mind is constantly busy, engineering solutions to problems and coming up with impressive new ideas. Sure, you’re not sleeping much these days, but everyone knows you’re the brains behind the team’s success. What makes this pattern so addictive is the buzz of finding that answer or having that ‘ah ha’ moment.

2. Over-planning

You’re exhausted from working excessive hours but addicted to delivering amazing results. You resent carrying the burden of planning and coordinating everyone else’s work but breathe a sigh of relief when your efforts stave off disaster (or at least prevent missing the deadline). Your schedule is so packed with back-to-back meetings that bathroom breaks aren’t an option. But your busy schedule and reputation as the most productive team member feed your addiction to being busy.

3. Over working

This is the most obvious sign of imposter syndrome. It usually sets in early when a child learns that hard work at school leads to praise, attention, prizes and rewards. Sadly, this creates a dysfunctional feedback loop. The child equates hard work with social validation, and the vicious cycle of imposter syndrome begins.

Are these patterns familiar to you? If so, it may be time to address your imposter syndrome. The good news is the dark triad can be beaten: Thousands of high achievers have managed to develop authentic confidence. You can do it, too.

So many female leaders tell me they get up early so they can fit in their ‘me time’ every day. These women speak as though waking at 4 a.m. is a self-care choice underpinned by assertiveness and confidence. But let’s think about that. How does regularly depriving yourself of sleep equate to self-care? Is working excessive hours every day a sign of assertiveness? Does a confident leader arrive at work frazzled and stressed by her gruelling morning routine?

To all these questions, let’s yell a resounding ‘no’. Let’s end imposter thinking and ‘nice girl’ behaviour. Let’s enter the zone of truly confident leadership. Here are three ways female leaders can do this (if you’re male, pass these tips on to the women in your business).

Stop faking work–life balance 

Successful leaders are congruent. They don’t pretend – to themselves or others – that they’re super organised. They don’t burn themselves out trying to juggle 12 hours of work, an hour of exercise, three hours of housework and five hours of time with their loved ones every day. Women who are self-assured in their leadership roles know that the idea of ‘faking it ’til you make it’ is outdated. In fact, professionals who believe this works are more likely to suffer from imposter syndrome, self-doubt and low confidence.

Dial down your standards

Leadership expert Kit de Vries calls imposter syndrome ‘the flip side of giftedness’. I wrote more about it in a recent blog article because it’s such a thought-provoking statement. If you’re a talented woman, remember that being gifted can put you in a harsh spotlight and trigger perfectionist habits.

Here’s why: Gifted women are brilliant at many things. But that doesn’t mean you should do everything at a super-perfect level. Dial down your expectations for everyday performance to the level of Professional Output. Save your highest standards for the tasks that really matter.

Master the art of setting limits

Women with authentic confidence don’t say ‘yes’ to everything. They’re clear about their boundaries. They also know how to set boundaries without sounding like pushy cows. You don’t need a genetic predisposition for confidence. You just need to master the basics of assertive communication.  Read my book Difficult People Made Easy to learn how.

Time to come clean. I’m a control freak. And I’m not the only one! In times of uncertainty, many people react by trying to regain control. But that’s not a healthy way to lead yourself, your team or your business.

So, how can you tell that your ‘organised mindset’ is actually a sign that you’re in full-blown control freak mode? Here are three signs that are dead give-aways.

1. You’re stressing out about people knowing you’re stressing out

Yep, you’re not the only one who does this! It’s a surprisingly common way of thinking among people with imposter syndrome, a distorted, unhelpful form of ‘metacognition’.

2. You believe you are 100 percent responsible for your own success

You give yourself no leeway. If something goes wrong, you scold yourself. Then you start working on making it go right again. You say things like “failure isn’t an option” and “there’s no such thing as good enough”. You over-schedule, over-commit and over-work. And still, you want to achieve more.

No. It’s not ambition or a good work ethic. It’s a sign your confidence very likely needs a reboot.

3.Your self-compassion battery is totally flat

Self-compassion is a form of support and nurturing you give yourself when you make mistakes, face embarrassing situations or encounter adversity. It’s like a battery; when it’s low, you don’t have the energy to enjoy your life. But it can be recharged – and there are good reasons to keep it fully charged.

Paul Gilbert is a research scientist who studies the neuroscience of self-compassion. He claims that three brain systems work together to help you handle adversity and survive in chaotic times. Your ‘mammalian care-giving system’ is one of these systems. When it’s outward-facing, it enables you to feel, and show, compassion for those around you. But it can also be inward-facing. In this case, your care-giving system promotes a sense of self-security and stability. To find out more about the implications of Paul Gilbert’s work for beating imposter syndrome and building confidence in my recent blog article.