Do you believe that negative thoughts are a sign of low confidence? Well, that just might be a myth! Interestingly, research shows that even highly confident people experience just as many negative thoughts as anyone else. It’s not the number of negative thoughts that matters, but how you deal with them. So, what do truly confident people do differently to the rest of us? When negative thoughts pop up, they don’t ruminate or dwell on them.

Why is this difference significant? Because taking action is related to high self-efficacy, which is your belief in your own ability to achieve goals and overcome obstacles. Building your self-efficacy is one of the fastest ways to boost your confidence. It enables you to drive your own behaviour and relish in what Virginia Satir called the Five Freedoms of a Congruent Self. These are:

1. The freedom to see and hear what is — accepting reality as it is, without denial or distortion.
2. The freedom to say what you feel and think — expressing oneself openly and honestly.
3. The freedom to feel what you actually feel — allowing emotions to exist without judgment.
4. The freedom to ask for what you want — recognising your needs and voicing them with clarity.
5. The freedom to take risks on your own behalf — acting courageously, even in the face of uncertainty.

These freedoms aren’t just ideals; they’re practical tools for building both assertiveness and confidence. Satir’s model reminds us that being human is a complex yet beautiful experience. Confidence isn’t about perfection or the absence of doubt; it’s about living fully, with all the messiness that comes along with it.

I encourage you to reflect on these freedoms. The next time you catch yourself consumed by negativity, ask, “What can I do next?” Because confidence grows with every step forward, regardless of the thoughts swirling in your mind.

This article was created by Eleanor Shakiba

Eleanor is a leadership trainer and success coach. Her mission is inspiring talented people to become leaders who make a difference.  Since discovering her passion for training and development, Eleanor has trained more than 60,000 people. She delivers face-to-face workshops for corporates, online masterclasses for leaders and Positive Psychology retreats for trainers, HR practitioners and leaders. 

Today I’d like to share the story behind the Complete Confidence Lab – a program that I designed out of both necessity and passion. You see, over the years, I’ve had the privilege of working with thousands of incredibly talented women. Yet despite their talents and achievements, I noticed a recurring theme – they were constantly overworking and underachieving.

Why was this happening? Because these successful professionals didn’t believe they were good enough. They were caught in a relentless cycle of striving to improve. This meant they worked harder and with much more diligence than their peers. Yet still they felt inadequate and driven to improve. They were running on a treadmill of doubt, fuelled by the belief that if they just worked a little harder, they would finally be good enough.

But here’s the truth: working harder wasn’t the solution. It was a coping mechanism. Sure, trying to ‘fix’ themselves made these women feel better temporarily, but the buzz of success never lasted. Their self-doubt always returned and the treadmill journey continued. So, I decided to take action. I did a behavioural modelling study, using techniques from Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP). And I didn’t focus on women who suffered from Imposter Syndrome. Instead, I interviewed those who radiated self-assurance.

My aim was simple: to understand what these women did differently. My findings were fascinating. Three main patterns emerged. Firstly, genuinely confident women directed their attention towards themselves constructively and compassionately. This is how they developed the deep ‘self-acceptance’ that characterises true confidence.

Secondly, they were skilled solution-finders. For example, they used breakthrough thinking habits to confidently tackle problems. This meant they didn’t fear making mistakes or losing control. They genuinely believed they had the resources to handle any challenge. Lastly, all of these women showed strong behavioural flexibility. This freed them to adapt and thrive when faced with challenges, instead of feeling overwhelmed or defeated.

These findings became the foundation of the Complete Confidence Lab, which equips talented women to leave self-doubt behind and become bold, confident professionals. It runs for 21 days and includes interactive workshops, online resources and small group coaching sessions.

The Complete Confidence Lab is not just another self-help course – it’s a targeted and evidence-based coaching lab where you can unleash your full potential.  Join me in the next session and together, let’s build a world where confident women are the norm, not the exception.

This article was created by Eleanor Shakiba

Eleanor is a leadership trainer and success coach. Her mission is inspiring talented people to become leaders who make a difference.  Since discovering her passion for training and development, Eleanor has trained more than 60,000 people. She delivers face-to-face workshops for corporates, online masterclasses for leaders and Positive Psychology retreats for trainers, HR practitioners and leaders. 

How often have you been told to work on ‘overcoming’ your weaknesses so you can be a better version of yourself? Thousands? Well, it’s time to question the usefulness of that advice. The idea that you should fix what is ‘broken’ seems logical, but it isn’t helpful at all. In fact, it can significantly contribute to feelings of self-doubt, insecurity, and unworthiness. If these feelings are a big part of your life, they can lead to imposter syndrome. Sadly, this is even more likely if you are highly sensitive or talented.

Focusing on what’s wrong with you is a fast track to feeling inadequate. Yet despite this, the belief that ‘fixing’ ourselves leads to success and happiness is still deeply ingrained in our culture. You’ve probably been told this thousands of times – by your parents, teachers, bosses, and even friends. And chances are, you’ve tried to do just that. You’ve put all your energy into trying to improve your weaknesses rather than embracing your strengths.

But here’s the truth: you are not broken, and you do not need to be fixed. This is one of the most resonant teachings of the renowned therapist Virginia Satir. Imagine if you adopted her perspective for yourself. Instead of focusing on where you’re lacking, you’d turn your attention to the skills, talents, and abilities that make you unique. You’d own your natural talents and harness them fully, allowing them to shine in a way that benefits the world.

When you emphasise your strengths, you’ll feel self-assured and accomplished. You’ll be more likely to excel and make a positive difference at work. Plus, your overall happiness and satisfaction will increase. Wouldn’t you prefer leveraging your strengths rather than constantly striving to fix your weaknesses? I know I do!

The benefits of being strengths-focused have been demonstrated by many Positive Psychology research projects. For example, did you know that focusing on your strengths can lead to vastly improved work performance and productivity? It’s true! Plus, capitalising on your strengths helps you enter a state of flow, which leads to deep fulfilment and life satisfaction.

So, the next time you’re told to ‘close a gap’ or ‘focus on overcoming a weakness’, push back. Bad advice, however well-intentioned it might be, is not worth taking. You are already enough, and your strengths are what truly make you shine. Embrace them and watch yourself thrive!

This article was created by Eleanor Shakiba

Eleanor is a leadership trainer and success coach. Her mission is inspiring talented people to become leaders who make a difference.  Since discovering her passion for training and development, Eleanor has trained more than 60,000 people. She delivers face-to-face workshops for corporates, online masterclasses for leaders and Positive Psychology retreats for trainers, HR practitioners and leaders. 

Are you a manager or supervisor struggling to handle team dramas or conflicts? If so, this week’s tips and video are for you! First up, you might be wondering how to tackle people problems. It’s a great question, so I made this video to give you a few general guidelines.

But now let’s consider what you can do when entire teams develop problematic relationships. For example, does it seem like your team has gone feral or turned into a really bad reality show. This is always a tough situation to handle but consider this: you might be inadvertently fuelling the fire. You see, sometimes the strategies managers use to ‘resolve’ conflict actually feed. This then traps everyone in what I call the Team Drama Cycle.

So, what exactly is the Team Drama Cycle? It’s a toxic communication pattern that arises when you address the symptoms of a conflict instead of its root cause. Imagine this. One of your team members is consistently late for meetings. You address this with her, she apologises and promises to improve. But, lo and behold, she’s late again the next day. And just like that, you’re caught in a relentless cycle of feedback chats, apologies, and unchanged behaviour. Sound familiar?

How to spot a team drama cycle

Signs you’re caught in a Team Drama Cycle are usually pretty obvious. Here are the three most common symptoms to look out for.

• Feeling like you’re having the same conversation over and over.
• Dreading giving feedback for fear of stirring up drama.
• Seeing the same team members involved in every drama. It’s like they’re addicted to conflict.

If you’ve ticked any (or all) of these boxes, it’s time for a change. It’s time to break free from this draining cycle and shift your communication style from ineffective to high impact. So, how do you make this shift? It’s all about learning to hold tough conversations without getting sidetracked by others’ drama tactics. Here are my top three tips for doing this without causing drama to escalate into full-blown conflict.

TIP 1: learn to handle dirty tactics

First up, learn how to predict, pre-empt and manage the dirty tactics people resort to during drama games. There are dozens of these, but you can learn strategies for dealing with them. In my minicourse The Verbal Attack Response System, for example, I explain how to deal with hostile criticism, toxic honesty, polarising statements and blaming or shaming generalisations.

TIP 2: set boundaries and make sure people adhere to them

Secondly, focus on setting boundaries and establishing healthy norms for behaviour. Sometimes this involves setting consequences for disrespectful or disruptive behaviour, but it can also mean simply modelling and enforcing the type of positive communication you want to see in your team.

TIP 3: work on team dynamics

Finally, foster a culture of open and honest communication. Make sure conflicts are addressed directly and promptly, instead of being swept under the rug. This might involve running some team-building sessions or teaching conflict resolution skills to your team. If this is done early, it can prevent small issues from escalating into full-blown dramas.

Breaking free from the Team Drama Cycle requires effort and commitment, but it’s worth it in the long run. Not only will you have a more harmonious and productive team, but you’ll also be setting an example for others to follow in handling conflicts effectively. So, don’t let team drama control your workplace any longer. Take action and break free from the cycle now. Your team (and your sanity) will thank you.

This article was created by Eleanor Shakiba

Eleanor is a leadership trainer and success coach. Her mission is inspiring talented people to become leaders who make a difference.  Since discovering her passion for training and development, Eleanor has trained more than 60,000 people. She delivers face-to-face workshops for corporates, online masterclasses for leaders and Positive Psychology retreats for trainers, HR practitioners and leaders. 

Have you ever felt like you’re not good enough, despite evidence to the contrary? Well, you’re not alone.  You could be experiencing Imposter Syndrome. That chronic self-doubt is not a figment of your imagination. Nor is it your fault. It’s a survival mechanism, which has been triggered by working in a complex, competitive environment where you are ‘different’ to your peers. You’ve probably been exposed to years of subtle pressure, criticism and social shaming without even knowing it.

I want you to remember this. Imposter Syndrome is not your fault. There are three factors that greatly increase your chances of developing it. None of these are ’caused’ by you. So, you don’t need resilience training or years of therapy.  Instead, you need to minimise your exposure to these three factors.

Paradoxical social norms

These are unspoken social ‘rules’ that make you feel conflicted. Why? Because they put you in a damned if you do, damned if you don’t situation. For example, as a woman in the workplace, you might be told to be assertive and confident. But when speak assertively, people may label you as ‘bossy’ or ‘abrasive’. This constant push and pull can lead to self-doubt and make you feel like an imposter.

The talent factor

You are a talented professional who knows your stuff.  But did you know that talent can also be a curse? It can lead to overcommitment, overwork and a constant state of ‘striving’ to be great. This relentless pursuit of perfection can leave you feeling perpetually ‘not good enough’. Sounds familiar? Yep. That’s Imposter Syndrome again.

Context and circumstance

Successful professionals and leaders are often thrust into high-pressure roles without adequate support. This can breed self-doubt and drive the thinking that causes Imposter Syndrome. The problem doesn’t originate from within you.  It is a result of organisational culture and pressure to perform in an increasingly complex world.

So, if you’re feeling like a fake, remember the problem is NOT you.  Three very real factors spark this feeling. But you can take back control and build true confidence. It’s surprisingly simple to do once you understand the root cause. To combat paradoxical social norms, challenge them. Speak up and challenge double standards in the workplace. To overcome perfectionism and self-sabotage, learn to use attention direction techniques. These help you hardwire you brain for confidence, by changing the way you interact with the world.

Finally, to reduce the impact of situational pressure, build a support network. Seek out positive people and don’t be afraid to ask for help. Remember that Imposter Syndrome is a common experience and it’s not your fault. But you can take steps to overcome it by understanding the root causes and taking control of your mindset and environment. You are capable, talented, and deserving of success. Keep pushing forward and trust in yourself.

This article was created by Eleanor Shakiba

Eleanor is a leadership trainer and success coach. Her mission is inspiring talented people to become leaders who make a difference.  Since discovering her passion for training and development, Eleanor has trained more than 60,000 people. She delivers face-to-face workshops for corporates, online masterclasses for leaders and Positive Psychology retreats for trainers, HR practitioners and leaders. 

Have you ever wondered why some people seem to exude confidence naturally, while the rest of us struggle to find it? The truth is, confidence is not a personality trait or a genetic gift, it is a skill that can be developed and improved upon. And it turns out that building confidence might be more about developing emotion regulation skills than working on your self-esteem or trying to be more ‘authentic’. Indeed, it’s important not to confuse authenticity with being emotionally dysregulated.

So, what is emotion regulation and how can strengthening it boost your confidence? Basically, it’s the ability to notice and manage your emotional states. Doing this helps you respond constructively to difficult situations and setbacks. This boosts your resilience, problem-solving ability and confidence. In fact, research from the University of California, Berkeley, shows that people with strong emotion regulation skills tend to be more resilient and adaptable, which helps them to be authentically confident.

Take Sarah, a seasoned project manager in a top tech company. She was once notorious for her volatile reactions under stress. However, after learning about emotion regulation, she started implementing techniques such solution-focused thinking and cognitive reframing. Over time, she became more composed, better at decision-making and more confident – a metamorphosis her colleagues couldn’t help but notice.

So, how can you, too, master emotion regulation and build genuine confidence? This is a topic I explore extensively in my free masterclass, Hardwired for Confidence. For now, though, here’s a quick overview of the three main skills involved in wiring your brain for deep confidence.

Attention direction

This skill involves choosing where you focus your attention. Emotionally regulated people are skilled at directing their attention to the present moment, rather than getting caught up in negative thoughts or worries about the future. They also have the ability to shift their attention away from things that trigger unhelpful emotions, such as comparing themselves to others.

Breakthrough thinking

Changing how you tackle problems and setbacks can have a powerful impact on your confidence. Emotionally regulated individuals are able to focus on solutions rather than dwelling on problems. They also are open to alternatives perspectives and are willing to shift their thinking in order to find effective solutions. This prevents them from getting stuck in negative thought patterns and increases their confidence in their ability to handle challenges.

Action reprogramming

Emotionally well-regulated people consciously choose how to respond, rather than reacting impulsively. This allows them to behave in ways that reap positive results. When you learn to change your habits and action-repertoires, you will naturally create a more positive life experience. This, in turn, boosts your confidence and self-assurance.

So, if you want to build complete confidence, it’s crucial to develop these three essential skills of emotion regulation.  By learning how to direct your attention, think more constructively and take intentional actions, you will experience a transformation in your confidence levels. And remember, building true confidence is not about pretending to be someone you’re not or ignoring your emotions, it’s about developing the skills to manage them effectively and authentically.

This article was created by Eleanor Shakiba

Eleanor is a leadership trainer and success coach. Her mission is inspiring talented people to become leaders who make a difference.  Since discovering her passion for training and development, Eleanor has trained more than 60,000 people. She delivers face-to-face workshops for corporates, online masterclasses for leaders and Positive Psychology retreats for trainers, HR practitioners and leaders. 

Have you ever had an idea ignored when you presented it, then applauded when a colleague made the same suggestion two minutes later? If this sounds familiar, I can guarantee you are not alone in your frustration. In fact, this is one of the most common problems participants in my Women in Leadership courses report. No, it’s not caused by flawed communication habits or self-sabotage.

Let’s be clear: idea theft is an insidious workplace behaviour. And it impacts female professionals far more often than their male counterparts. Now, there have been many studies into why this happens. But understanding the problem won’t necessarily help you stop idea thieves taking the credit you deserve. So, let’s focus on a different question. How do you head idea thieves off at the pass? After working with thousands of successful women, I’ve found three simple strategies that will help you protect your ideas.

Prime your audience to listen

Priming signals that what you are about to say is important. It’s like holding up a big sign with the words ‘Pay Attention!’ written across it. When done well, it creates a sense of anticipation and makes your audience eager to listen. And it’s surprisingly easy to do. Just say something along the lines of, “I’ve been investigating how to solve the problem of xyz.” This makes it very clear that YOU have done the work.

Map out your argument visually

Remember that ideas stick when they are presented visually as well as verbally. Use documents, diagrams and whiteboard sketches to get your point across. This ensures that your ideas are not only heard, but also seen and understood by everyone in the room. Don’t forget to put your name on your diagram you’re using a document. This simple act is a powerful declaration, stating, “this is my idea and I stand by it.”

End with a call to action

Never leave an idea hanging. Instead, end your suggestion with a clear call to action. Make it clear that you’re not just talking, you’re making a proposal. Use phrases like, “To move my proposal forward, I now need you to do a, b, and c.” This subtle shift in the power dynamic means others are compelled to act on your idea instead of appropriating it.

So there you have it. If you’re tired of having your ideas swiped, stop complaining about it. Use these three steps to firmly establish yourself as a thought-leader. One who has the confidence and assertiveness to claim ownership of their ideas. Keep priming your audience, mapping out your arguments and ending with a call to action. Soon you’ll see a noticeable difference in how your ideas are received and credited.

This article was created by Eleanor Shakiba

Eleanor is a leadership trainer and success coach. Her mission is inspiring talented people to become leaders who make a difference.  Since discovering her passion for training and development, Eleanor has trained more than 60,000 people. She delivers face-to-face workshops for corporates, online masterclasses for leaders and Positive Psychology retreats for trainers, HR practitioners and leaders. 

Have you ever wondered why so many high achievers have low confidence? Or why imposter syndrome seems to be the flipside of talent? Well, there’s a simple explanation.  The very traits that propel talented professionals towards success can also undermine confidence. For example, most high achievers have exceptional levels of self-discipline. But that can mean they never take breaks – which is a guaranteed way to burn out and destroy your confidence. In fact, I’ve seen so many talented professionals fall into this trap that I’ve made it my mission to help. That’s why I created the Complete Confidence Lab, which is enrolling now.

In the Complete Confidence Lab, I explain three paradoxical thinking patterns which can snare you in a cycle of imposter syndrome and low confidence. Do you relate to any of them? I sure do!

The competence myth

This is the belief that you can’t be confident unless you know how to do everything. Think about it. That’s an impossible standard to live up to. If you believe the competence myth, chances are you ‘re constantly comparing yourself to others and finding yourself lacking. Obviously, that’s one of the fastest ways to destroy your confidence. So, stop equating competence and confidence. They’re not the same thing.

The control myth

Have you ever been told you’re too controlling? Or do you joke about being a control freak? If so, you’re probably under the spell of the control myth. This is the belief that being in control will make you feel confident.  But here’s the truth – nobody can control everything. Trying to do so will only lead to stress and anxiety, not confidence. It’s time to explore how genuinely self-assured people tackle life. Spoiler alert: it’s all about learning to thrive in uncertainty.

The high standards myth

Yikes. This one is tricky to beat. That’s because having standards is so strongly associated with success. And it’s true that high standards are great… up to a point. However, too much of a good thing can be damaging.  It leads to perfectionist overworking and constant self-criticism. Both of which feed imposter syndrome.

Do these thinking patterns sound familiar? If so, you’d be a great candidate for the Complete Confidence Lab. Check it out here and join me in breaking free from imposter syndrome and building lasting confidence.

This article was created by Eleanor Shakiba

Eleanor is a leadership trainer and success coach. Her mission is inspiring talented people to become leaders who make a difference.  Since discovering her passion for training and development, Eleanor has trained more than 60,000 people. She delivers face-to-face workshops for corporates, online masterclasses for leaders and Positive Psychology retreats for trainers, HR practitioners and leaders. 

Are you ready to take your professional success to the next level? Look no further!  The way to get there is by harnessing the power of complete confidence. And there’s a simple formula for doing that: program your brain’s confidence circuits; swap self-defeating behaviour for success regimes and use breakthrough thinking to unearth great solutions every time you hit problems. These are the thinking habits that hardwire your brain for confidence. Now let’s look at each step in more detail. Remember, the key is to practice, practice and practice until each thinking habits become second nature. My favourite way to master new thinking habits is to choose ONE to focus on each week. Whenever opportunities arise to use the thinking tool, try it out. Soon, using it will be automatic and you can move onto mastering the next skill.

Program your brain’s confidence circuits

It’s sad but true. Your brain is built to keep you alive, not make you confident. This is why is seems easier to focus on where you went wrong, rather than what you did right. But thankfully, the brain is a bit like plastic – it can be moulded and reshaped to support new habits. To make confidence your default state, you need to do two things.

First, you must strengthen your self-belief circuits. Then you must weaken your self-sabotage circuits. Use the power of mental rehearsal to achieve both outcomes. First, imagine a fully confident version of yourself. Then imagine that New You thriving in situations where the old you struggled. Do this every day to activate the neural pathways support confident states.

Swap self-sabotaging behaviours for success regimes

From avoiding conflict to zealous over-working, there are a thousand ways to sabotage yourself every day. To be truly confident swap your self-limiting habits for success regimes. For example, instead of putting off difficult tasks, make a habit of doing them first thing. Or learn to raise issues assertively instead of avoiding tough conversations. Think about the behaviours that are holding you back and replace them with actions that drive success.

Use breakthrough thinking to solve problems

News flash: confident people encounter as many problems as you do.  But they tackle them differently. They don’t dwell on what the problem is or how bad it feels. Instead, they focus on finding solutions. This is where breakthrough thinking comes in. It’s a skill I teach in my free masterclass, Hardwired for Confidence. So, if you haven’t learned how to do it, sign up and learn today!

Remember that confidence isn’t a personality trait. It’s a skill that can be learned at any age. By programming your brain’s confidence circuits, swapping self-sabotaging behaviours for success regimes, and using breakthrough thinking to overcome problems, you can boost your confidence and achieve greater success in all aspects of your life. So what are you waiting for? Start using these thinking habits today and watch as your confidence soars!

This article was created by Eleanor Shakiba

Eleanor is a leadership trainer and success coach. Her mission is inspiring talented people to become leaders who make a difference.  Since discovering her passion for training and development, Eleanor has trained more than 60,000 people. She delivers face-to-face workshops for corporates, online masterclasses for leaders and Positive Psychology retreats for trainers, HR practitioners and leaders. 

What do high-impact communicators do differently to the rest of us? They don’t necessarily speak more often or in greater detail. In fact, many highly influential professionals speak less than the average person. Firstly, they speak with confidence and from a position of strength rather than self-doubt.

Secondly, impactful communicators choose their words carefully. They have mastered the art of verbal framing. This skill involves carefully selecting and arranging your words, so your message becomes easier for listeners to absorb. For example, imagine you’re trying to persuade a colleague to agree to an idea you’re proposing. You could focus on what’s in it for them – highlighting how your proposal will make THEM look good or get ahead. Alternatively, you could explain how the idea will help YOU. Which approach do you think will be most successful?

If you chose the first option, you’re spot on. Research has shown that framing to match your colleague’s needs is way more likely to succeed. Here are three quick tips that will take your framing skills to the next level.

Forget about yourself and focus on them

Persuasive frames directly appeal to your listener’s needs and interests. Take the time to understand what others want and why they want it. Then deliver your message in a way that resonates with them. By doing so, you’ll speak to impress! You’ll also sound more confident because your attention will be turned towards them. That reduces the likelihood you’ll be struck by stage-fright, as you’ll be less likely to ruminate and worry about what might go wrong in the conversation.

Use concrete, specific language

The more specific your language, the better others will understand and respond to what you’re saying. Instead of saying “This will help our team succeed,” try something like “This will help achieve our target of increasing sales by 10% this month.” Specificity adds weight to your message by fitting it into the listener’s real-life experience.

Speak to connect

As an NLP trainer, I can assure you that words matter. To effectively communicate, you need to speak the other person’s language, not your own. Listen attentively to what others say. Pay close attention to the words they emphasise or use passionately. Then use those words useful. This deepens rapport and also makes your message easier to understand. By matching your conversation partner’s language, you can help your message get through without resistance.

If you want to be more flowing, persuasive and impactful in your communications, remember these three tips. After all, confident communicators don’t just speak with self-assurance, they also know how to frame a message in ways that connect and resonate with others.

This article was created by Eleanor Shakiba

Eleanor is a leadership trainer and success coach. Her mission is inspiring talented people to become leaders who make a difference.  Since discovering her passion for training and development, Eleanor has trained more than 60,000 people. She delivers face-to-face workshops for corporates, online masterclasses for leaders and Positive Psychology retreats for trainers, HR practitioners and leaders.