By Eleanor Shakiba Confidence tips 0 Comments

Yes. Confident people have ‘negative thoughts’, too.

Do you believe that positive thoughts and confidence go together? Wrong! A study has found that confident people have just as many moments of pessimism and negative thoughts as the rest of us. So, negative thoughts don’t harm your self-assurance. It’s what you do next that makes the difference.

Unconfident people do nothing. Confident people take action. Why? Because confident people believe that their actions can lead to positive results. They have high levels of personal power (psychologists call this self-efficacy).

Combining self-efficacy with emotion regulation and another ‘secret ingredient’ creates a solid foundation for authentic confidence. Of course, I’m not the first coach to point out that confidence is NOT a one-dimensional state. All personal change modalities, spiritual systems and models of the human mind frame confidence as a complex ecosystem. Simply put, a confident mind consists of many parts.

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One of my favourite models comes from the family therapist, Virginia Satir. She said there are five freedoms:

  1. The freedom to see and hear what is;
  2. The freedom to say what you feel and think;
  3. The freedom to feel what you actually feel;
  4. The freedom to ask for what you want
  5. The freedom to take risks on your own behalf.

Virginia Satir wasn’t just a therapist, she was also a poet. To me, Satir’s five freedoms provide a solid foundation for confidence. I hope you’ll extend them to others and claim them for yourself.

By Eleanor Shakiba Confidence tips 0 Comments

NLP is the fastest way to build confidence. Here’s why.

I’ve been teaching neurolinguistic programming (NLP) since 1996. The first class I ever ran was for a group of millionaires who wanted to feel more confident. That’s right, even highly successful people struggle with self-doubt and poor self-concept. To this day, the three main reasons people come to my NLP courses are to overcome imposter syndrome, reduce shyness and beat stage fright. Many of them are caught in a frustrating double bind: They want to change, but they’re too shy to join a live class.

 

Of course, in this situation, most people want a fast and permanent way to switch from self-doubt to self-confidence – that’s what NLP provides. It’s a personal change system that reprograms patterns of thinking, emotion and behaviour. I’ll let you in on a secret here: NLP is based on a form of therapy called brief therapy. This is why it reaps very rapid results. There are many reasons why I love working with NLP. Here are my top three.

 

Change with NLP is superfast

NLP is the fastest way to build self-confidence because it reprograms your thinking patterns, your emotional equilibrium and your action repertoires, all at the same time, speeding up the process of:

 

  • feeling better about yourself
  • solving problems
  • changing unwanted behaviours
  • building new habits
  • getting the results you crave

 

NLP reprograms your mind at two levels (unlike most change systems)

 

Have you ever tried reciting a mantra such as ‘I am a confident and successful person’ only to find it made no difference to your self-assurance? That’s because your words were a thin varnish spread over a flawed self-concept. Your conscious mind was repeating a statement that just didn’t gel with your unconscious beliefs.

 

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When you build authentic confidence, this doesn’t happen. Instead, you bring your work persona and your home person are congruent. As I explained in my most recent article,

this allows you to overcome the sneaking feelings of low self-worth that so many gifted professionals feel.

 

NLP techniques can be learned in minutes

 

Despite its complex name, NLP is remarkably simple to learn. That’s because it’s based on three steps:

  • Observing successful people
  • Pinpointing how they get their results
  • Creating ‘models’ that others can use to achieve similar results

 

NLP models are exactly like recipes. When you follow them, you can cook up great results. As a trainer, this is my favourite reason to use NLP; it’s systematised and easy to apply. Ultimately, that means my clients don’t need me for long. Why? Because NLP puts the tools of change into YOUR hands. Once you’ve learned them, you can use them for (a much better) life.

 

Curious about how NLP can help you be a bold, confident leader? Enrol in one of my courses to find out more. Stay tuned for the launch of an exciting new program!

By Eleanor Shakiba Confidence tips 0 Comments

Fast change won’t last? Nonsense!

Too many people believe that if a change technique works quickly, it must create ‘shallow’ change and therefore result in a change that does not last. This is a myth. The truth is that many training and counselling techniques are rapid and yet also deep and long lasting. This ‘fast change doesn’t work’ argument is flawed for two reasons.

Firstly, swift change can be very deep. For example, have you ever changed your entire perspective on a problem after a single conversation with a wise person? I bet that change lasted!  Secondly, shallow change can still be permanent. For example, you might have picked up a bad habit – like eating lollies when you’re stressed – in just a few minutes. The change wasn’t deep, but I can imagine it resulted in a hard-to-quit habit. In other words, long-lasting change!

The same is true for positive change.  Rapid change can create lasting results. Let me give you an example. I shifted from believing I couldn’t set up my business to knowing I could succeed as a consultant. After just one question from my coach! That question was “What would happen if it worked?”

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So, the key question is not how long does it take for a change to happen?’ but rather whether the change meaningful and significant? If the answer is “Yes, this is worthwhile” then the change is likely to be lasting.

Don’t let that myth about personal change needing to take ages hold you back. If a technique is quick and easy to learn, use it! For example, NLP has been criticised “as too quick” or “too shallow” by many people who have not even tried it! If these people advise you to avoid NLP, ask them to substantiate their claims.

Finally, think for yourself. Try out some new techniques, like NLP. Like this page to find out more about fast, effective change for leaders.

About the presenter: Eleanor Shakiba

Eleanor is a leadership trainer, success coach and people skills expert. She helps managers, team leaders and business owners build credibility, influence and confidence – so they can become high impact leaders. Eleanor runs bespoke training and coaching for leaders who want to build ‘positive deviance’ in their businesses. Her expertise in teaching positive psychology and NLP makes Eleanor a highly sought-after facilitator. Eleanor’s qualifications are in Positive Psychology, Social Anthropology, Counselling, Coaching, Adult Education and Neuro Linguistic Programming.

Follow this page for more success tips from Eleanor. 

By Eleanor Shakiba Confidence tips 0 Comments

These Dark Triad habits drive imposter syndrome: stop them now

Imposter syndrome puts a grey filter over your success. It dulls your confidence and washes out your brightest achievements.  Ironically, some of the habits we hope will quell imposter syndrome actuallymake it worse. The fact is this: beating imposter syndrome means ditching habits that feel normal and natural to you as a success-minded professional.  Habits such as planning and goal setting, critical thinking and dedicating the bulk of your time to work (which, of course, you claim to love so much that it feels like play).

 

Over-planning

 

My Myers Briggs personality type is INFJ, so I love a good plan. But even I must admit that the planning habit can go too far. If you’re making contingency plans to back up contingency plans, it’s time to hit pause.

 

The problem with over-planning is it can prompt anxiety, especially if you combine it with attempting to predict and prevent worse case scenarios. So, you need to stop doing it. Switch off your busy brain by using NLP trance techniques, getting into the great outdoors or chilling out instead of stressing out.

 

Overworking

 

Many high achievers do this because they love their work. This makes it easier to go into a flow state and lose track of time. However, hard work is like chocolate consumed in small doses – it elevates and energises. But if you indulge in it every day, you’ll soon get sick of it.

 

Breaking the habit of overworking is easier if you take these three steps:

 

  1. Lower your standards. Perfectionism is the leading cause of overwork because it results in poor use of your time and energy.
  2. Learn to delegate and outsource. Just because you CAN do something doesn’t mean you SHOULD.
  3. Take up a new hobby. Some people overwork to combat boredom. Don’t YOU be one of them.

 

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Overthinking

 

Second-guessing every decision. Mulling over pros and cons. Asking endless ‘what if’ questions. These are all signs you’re mired in Dark Triad habit number three: overthinking.

 

Yes, competent professionals think critically. But no, that doesn’t mean you should dissect every idea or question every action. Let’s face it, strong leadership requires deep and authentic confidence in your decision-making skills. You need to develop these skills, but you don’t need to do this alone.

 

Indeed, in 2018, researchers studied the way brain activity related to confidence when people are making decisions. It turned out that activity in the ventromedial prefrontal cortex was a reliable indicator of confidence.

 

Why is this interesting? Because the same brain region is associated with reward processing, emotion regulation, empathy and social cognition, which might just hint at why it’s easier to make complex decisions when talking things through with a coach, mentor or trusted advisor.

By Eleanor Shakiba Confidence tips 0 Comments

Want to be a fearless leader? Big mistake!

Let’s talk about the dangers of being a fearless leader.

For many people, being a leader seems like a daunting task. It can feel overwhelming to have so much responsibility on your shoulders. This is especially true if you are feeling overloaded and stressed out because of change, team drama or office politics. In these situations, it’s normal to wish for a change. You might want to be strong, confident and in control. In fact, many leaders say they want to fearless.

But that is a HUGE mistake. A leader without fear is aggressive, arrogant and unwise. They’re prone to making hasty decisions and putting people and business teams at risk. So it’s important NEVER to confuse confidence and fearlessness. Confidence is about feeling capable and in control. Fearlessness is about not feeling afraid of anything. Clearly, these are two very different things.

For managers and business owners, fear has many benefits when it is managed well. For example, fear can help you stay alert and focused during difficult situations. It can also motivate you to take action and make robust decisions under pressure. Plus, experiencing fear yourself helps you empathise with your people when they are anxious.

That doesn’t mean you have to let fear take over. Indeed, giving in to fear is also a bad move for any leader. What’s better is to use fear to your advantage, instead of letting it control you. The quickest way to do this is by powering up your confidence, credibility and impact. Why?  So you can feel, sound and behave like a high impact leader – even under extreme pressure. But as a busy manager or business owner you don’t have hours to spend in training, therapy or meditation classes. You need a fast working toolkit that is easy to master. That’s why I developed the High Impact Leader Formula. It’s a simple process that turns stressed out managers into leaders who make a difference.

If you’d like to learn more about the High Impact Leader formula, follow this page. I’ll post more articles about it soon.

By Eleanor Shakiba Confidence tips 0 Comments

Want to be a fearless leader? Big mistake!

Let’s talk about the dangers of being a fearless leader.

For many people, being a leader seems like a daunting task. It can feel overwhelming to have so much responsibility on your shoulders. This is especially true if you are feeling overloaded and stressed out because of change, team drama or office politics. In these situations, it’s normal to wish for a change. You might want to be strong, confident and in control. In fact, many leaders say they want to fearless.

But that is a HUGE mistake. A leader without fear is aggressive, arrogant and unwise. They’re prone to making hasty decisions and putting people and business teams at risk. So it’s important NEVER to confuse confidence and fearlessness. Confidence is about feeling capable and in control. Fearlessness is about not feeling afraid of anything. Clearly, these are two very different things.

For managers and business owners, fear has many benefits when it is managed well. For example, fear can help you stay alert and focused during difficult situations. It can also motivate you to take action and make robust decisions under pressure. Plus, experiencing fear yourself helps you empathise with your people when they are anxious.

That doesn’t mean you have to let fear take over. Indeed, giving in to fear is also a bad move for any leader. What’s better is to use fear to your advantage, instead of letting it control you. The quickest way to do this is by powering up your confidence, credibility and impact. Why?  So you can feel, sound and behave like a high impact leader – even under extreme pressure. But as a busy manager or business owner you don’t have hours to spend in training, therapy or meditation classes. You need a fast working toolkit that is easy to master. That’s why I developed the High Impact Leader Formula. It’s a simple process that turns stressed out managers into leaders who make a difference.

If you’d like to learn more about the High Impact Leader formula, follow this page. I’ll post more articles about it soon.

By Eleanor Shakiba Confidence tips 0 Comments

How to stop other people taking credit for your ideas

Have you noticed how many female leaders report having their ideas ignored when they present them, then applauded when a colleague makes the same suggestion two minutes later? This is such a consistent problem for my clients, I decided to build a solution. Now, most people would start a project like this by asking why the problem happens. But I didn’t. Instead, I used a success modelling approach from Neuro Linguistic Programming. I focused on women who DIDN’T have others stealing their ideas – and what they do differently to rest of us. And here’s what I discovered. All of these leaders did three simple things that stopped idea thieves in their tracks. And YOU can do these things, too.

First, prime your audience to listen. Do it by saying “I’ve given some thought to solving the problem of xyz”. This signals that you’re about to present valuable information.

Second, present a plan – both verbally and visually. Use a document or a whiteboard to illustrate your idea. And if you’re using a document, put your name on it. This is a way of signalling “this is my idea and I’m confident about it.”

Finally, deliver a strong call to action. Say ‘To move my proposal forward, I now need you to do a,b and c.’ This changes the power dynamic, so that others have to act on your idea rather than steal it. If you’re struggling with having your ideas stolen, I urge you to try out these three steps. They’ll help you build confidence, impact and credibility – and stop other people stealing your thunder.

By Eleanor Shakiba Confidence tips 0 Comments

Gifted women, imposter syndrome and the struggles of being ‘too successful’

Why do so many gifted women experience imposter syndrome in this day and age? After all, we’ve spent decades delivering assertiveness training and women in leadership programs. But still women are their own harshest critics. As one of my coaching clients recently observed, “It’s as though my success is based on beating myself up internally every day”.

 

Here are my thoughts on why this happens. Put simply, it’s a result of the double binds and strictures women face when they dare to excel at work. These include:

 

  • Pressure to excel, while, at the same time, not standing out or ‘bragging’ about their achievements
  • Condemnation for being ‘pushy’ when speaking directly and assertively
  • Internal struggles experienced when social programming around minimising power differences conflicts with the need to build authority and credibility as a leader
  • Expectations that women should be ‘nurturing and accommodating’ distorting perceptions of their behaviour when female leaders deliver assertive feedback or manage under-performance and disciplinary matters

 

Female professionals and leaders grapple with these pressures on a daily basis. So, it’s not surprising that many end up doubting their own credibility, competence and professional worth. In other words, experiencing chronic self-doubt.

 

This is the type of self-doubt that Manfred Kets de Vries labelled ‘neurotic imposture’. Kets de Vries argued that this is a pervasive form of imposter syndrome that is the “flip side of giftedness”.  It’s caused by the stress of being a high achiever while conforming to social norms that expect you to be humble.

 

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You can read more about neurotic imposture in my recent blog post on the topic. For now, though, let’s consider some practical steps you can take to reduce its impact in your professional life. Here are the top three strategies I share with clients in my Authentic Confidence programs.

 

  1. Speak up about your achievements, using relevancy frames from NLP. These help you spotlight your expertise and talents without triggering others’ ‘pushy cow’ reactions.

2.Get a kickass coach or mentor and schedule your meetings upfront. Don’t wait until something goes wrong before contacting them. Successful coaching prevents problems occurring in the first place!

  1. Work to your strengths and delegate to your weaknesses. Stop trying to be perfect at everything. Stick to being in your zone of brilliance and authentic confidence!
By Eleanor Shakiba Confidence tips 0 Comments

Feeling helpless or hopeless? That’s NOT low confidence.

Recently, I ran a free confidence bootcamp. It was full of people who said, “I’m normally a confident person. But recently, I’ve had too many disasters and challenges to deal with. It seems like nothing I do makes a difference. I’ve just stopped trying”.

 

That’s not low confidence. It’s learned helplessness, which psychologists define as a mental state experienced after “enduring repeated aversive stimuli beyond their control”. Of course, you’re more likely to experience learned helplessness when you have low levels of control, autonomy and choice. For example, research has shown that command-and-control business cultures trigger learned helplessness in employees.

 

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So, what can we learn from this? For a start, it’s important to know the difference between learned helplessness and low confidence. If your brain has gone into helpless, hapless and hopeless mode (my label for learned helplessness), do something about it.

 

A great way to start is by priming your mind for action with neurolinguistic programming (NLP). That’s because the fastest way to shift out of learned helplessness is by boosting your self-efficacy (otherwise known as personal power) and doing something to address your situation.