If you’re feeling like you could do better, but don’t know how, confidence coaching is for you.
Eleanor Shakiba is an expert in building confident brains and she can help you drive your own emotions and thrive. In your program, you’ll get 1:1 skills training and support solving problems, so you can finally break through your barriers. Don’t wait – confidence coaching could be the change you need to reach your goals. Find out more today!
Let’s talk about the dangers of being a fearless leader.
For many people, being a leader seems like a daunting task. It can feel overwhelming to have so much responsibility on your shoulders. This is especially true if you are feeling overloaded and stressed out because of change, team drama or office politics. In these situations, it’s normal to wish for a change. You might want to be strong, confident and in control. In fact, many leaders say they want to fearless.
But that is a HUGE mistake. A leader without fear is aggressive, arrogant and unwise. They’re prone to making hasty decisions and putting people and business teams at risk. So it’s important NEVER to confuse confidence and fearlessness. Confidence is about feeling capable and in control. Fearlessness is about not feeling afraid of anything. Clearly, these are two very different things.
For managers and business owners, fear has many benefits when it is managed well. For example, fear can help you stay alert and focused during difficult situations. It can also motivate you to take action and make robust decisions under pressure. Plus, experiencing fear yourself helps you empathise with your people when they are anxious.
That doesn’t mean you have to let fear take over. Indeed, giving in to fear is also a bad move for any leader. What’s better is to use fear to your advantage, instead of letting it control you. The quickest way to do this is by powering up your confidence, credibility and impact. Why? So you can feel, sound and behave like a high impact leader – even under extreme pressure. But as a busy manager or business owner you don’t have hours to spend in training, therapy or meditation classes. You need a fast working toolkit that is easy to master. That’s why I developed the High Impact Leader Formula. It’s a simple process that turns stressed out managers into leaders who make a difference.
If you’d like to learn more about the High Impact Leader formula, follow this page. I’ll post more articles about it soon.
Let’s talk about the dangers of being a fearless leader.
For many people, being a leader seems like a daunting task. It can feel overwhelming to have so much responsibility on your shoulders. This is especially true if you are feeling overloaded and stressed out because of change, team drama or office politics. In these situations, it’s normal to wish for a change. You might want to be strong, confident and in control. In fact, many leaders say they want to fearless.
But that is a HUGE mistake. A leader without fear is aggressive, arrogant and unwise. They’re prone to making hasty decisions and putting people and business teams at risk. So it’s important NEVER to confuse confidence and fearlessness. Confidence is about feeling capable and in control. Fearlessness is about not feeling afraid of anything. Clearly, these are two very different things.
For managers and business owners, fear has many benefits when it is managed well. For example, fear can help you stay alert and focused during difficult situations. It can also motivate you to take action and make robust decisions under pressure. Plus, experiencing fear yourself helps you empathise with your people when they are anxious.
That doesn’t mean you have to let fear take over. Indeed, giving in to fear is also a bad move for any leader. What’s better is to use fear to your advantage, instead of letting it control you. The quickest way to do this is by powering up your confidence, credibility and impact. Why? So you can feel, sound and behave like a high impact leader – even under extreme pressure. But as a busy manager or business owner you don’t have hours to spend in training, therapy or meditation classes. You need a fast working toolkit that is easy to master. That’s why I developed the High Impact Leader Formula. It’s a simple process that turns stressed out managers into leaders who make a difference.
If you’d like to learn more about the High Impact Leader formula, follow this page. I’ll post more articles about it soon.
Have you noticed how many female leaders report having their ideas ignored when they present them, then applauded when a colleague makes the same suggestion two minutes later? This is such a consistent problem for my clients, I decided to build a solution. Now, most people would start a project like this by asking why the problem happens. But I didn’t. Instead, I used a success modelling approach from Neuro Linguistic Programming. I focused on women who DIDN’T have others stealing their ideas – and what they do differently to rest of us. And here’s what I discovered. All of these leaders did three simple things that stopped idea thieves in their tracks. And YOU can do these things, too.
First, prime your audience to listen. Do it by saying “I’ve given some thought to solving the problem of xyz”. This signals that you’re about to present valuable information.
Second, present a plan – both verbally and visually. Use a document or a whiteboard to illustrate your idea. And if you’re using a document, put your name on it. This is a way of signalling “this is my idea and I’m confident about it.”
Finally, deliver a strong call to action. Say ‘To move my proposal forward, I now need you to do a,b and c.’ This changes the power dynamic, so that others have to act on your idea rather than steal it. If you’re struggling with having your ideas stolen, I urge you to try out these three steps. They’ll help you build confidence, impact and credibility – and stop other people stealing your thunder.
Why do so many gifted women experience imposter syndrome in this day and age? After all, we’ve spent decades delivering assertiveness training and women in leadership programs. But still women are their own harshest critics. As one of my coaching clients recently observed, “It’s as though my success is based on beating myself up internally every day”.
Here are my thoughts on why this happens. Put simply, it’s a result of the double binds and strictures women face when they dare to excel at work. These include:
Female professionals and leaders grapple with these pressures on a daily basis. So, it’s not surprising that many end up doubting their own credibility, competence and professional worth. In other words, experiencing chronic self-doubt.
This is the type of self-doubt that Manfred Kets de Vries labelled ‘neurotic imposture’. Kets de Vries argued that this is a pervasive form of imposter syndrome that is the “flip side of giftedness”. It’s caused by the stress of being a high achiever while conforming to social norms that expect you to be humble.
You can read more about neurotic imposture in my recent blog post on the topic. For now, though, let’s consider some practical steps you can take to reduce its impact in your professional life. Here are the top three strategies I share with clients in my Authentic Confidence programs.
2.Get a kickass coach or mentor and schedule your meetings upfront. Don’t wait until something goes wrong before contacting them. Successful coaching prevents problems occurring in the first place!
Recently, I ran a free confidence bootcamp. It was full of people who said, “I’m normally a confident person. But recently, I’ve had too many disasters and challenges to deal with. It seems like nothing I do makes a difference. I’ve just stopped trying”.
That’s not low confidence. It’s learned helplessness, which psychologists define as a mental state experienced after “enduring repeated aversive stimuli beyond their control”. Of course, you’re more likely to experience learned helplessness when you have low levels of control, autonomy and choice. For example, research has shown that command-and-control business cultures trigger learned helplessness in employees.
So, what can we learn from this? For a start, it’s important to know the difference between learned helplessness and low confidence. If your brain has gone into helpless, hapless and hopeless mode (my label for learned helplessness), do something about it.
A great way to start is by priming your mind for action with neurolinguistic programming (NLP). That’s because the fastest way to shift out of learned helplessness is by boosting your self-efficacy (otherwise known as personal power) and doing something to address your situation.
So many high achievers believe that being uncertain, unsure or anxious about the future means they’re not confident. Today, I want to dispel that myth by exploring two interesting points about fear.
First, let me remind you that fear is a normal emotion. Confident people experience it just as much as everyone else. However, they process it differently to those of us with fixed, helpless or unconfident mindsets.
Second, I want to share some intriguing research on a key connection between fear and imposter syndrome. It turns out that a very specific sort of worry – fear of failure – drives imposter thinking. But only in some people: those of us with strong goal orientations. To me, this explains why so many leaders, high achievers and successful people battle with imposter syndrome. You can read more about this topic in my recent blog article, here.
For now, here is my favourite tip on how to reduce your fear of failure: don’t set goals but design experiments. Know WHAT you want to achieve but be flexible about how to get there. If one tactic doesn’t work, do something else. That’s not failing; it’s learning.
Vulnerability isn’t a negative trait. It’s accepting that you can’t control everything. This doesn’t mean giving up. It means understanding when to ask for help. Accepting your vulnerability could make you a better leader. Vulnerability is essential for taking risks without a guarantee of success. In fact, many successful executives embrace their vulnerability.
The idea that leaders can’t be vulnerable is a myth. It’s rooted in the idea that leaders need to be able to solve anything, which is impossible. This means that almost every action involves risk. Without vulnerability, you wouldn’t be able to take risks.
A recent article on BetterUp helps summarise the importance of vulnerability for resiliency and mental stamina. The article interviews several high-achieving professionals, including a former executive from Netflix. In the interview, one executive lists vulnerability as an important trait. They explain that it helps you pursue new ideas even when you may not succeed. You need resilience and courage to take risks that leave you vulnerable.
The executive claimed that vulnerability led to greater support from co-workers. She openly discussed her concerns about being a new mother and taking on a promotion. Sharing her emotions with her co-workers didn’t lead to a loss of respect. Her co-workers supported her. Their support helped give her the confidence needed to succeed in a new role.
Along with vulnerability, the executives interviewed for the article list curiosity as an important trait. They explain that curiosity allows them to explore innovative solutions. It also helps them be more effective leaders by listening to others. When a leader actively listens, workers feel valued. This builds trust and collaboration. It also creates the type of environment needed to allow leaders to be more vulnerable. You can read the entire article on the power of embracing vulnerability here.
Vulnerability is an essential trait, but how do you apply this to your life and career? Accepting your vulnerability requires you to be open and honest with yourself and others. Unfortunately, leaders often feel the need to shut themselves off from others and hide their emotions. You may fear being considered an imposter. Positive psychology practices, such as NLP, can help you accept and control your emotions.
You can gain the confidence needed to take risks. For many people, fear is the main emotion keeping them from taking risks. People often make the mistake of trying to push fear away. You need to recognise your fears and anxieties and replace them with a more positive perspective. Cognitive reframing is one NLP method that can help. Reframing is the practice of seeing things from a different perspective. We call this a different frame. It helps you change focus and see things more realistically.
The article on BetterUp proposes that vulnerability is a critical trait for leaders. I agree. As an NLP practitioner and confidence coach, I know that putting yourself out there leads to more opportunities. NLP can give you the confidence to take risks. View my one-to-one coaching services and online courses at https://thinklearnsucceed.com.au/
The biggest myth about resilience is that it involves being tough. No it doesn’t! If you own a t-shirt that says, ‘weakness is not an option’, here’s why you should throw it out. Being resilient means being able to go through adversity without suffering long-term psychological damage. In other words, none of the following: ongoing anxiety, confidence problems, stress or depression. A resilient mind is a mind that learns and grows from tough times. As I explain in this week’s video, resilient people accept their emotions. They know that feeling fragile doesn’t mean you’re broken!
I’ve been coaching high achievers since 1996. That means I’ve had thousands of conversations regarding how leaders can stay focused and motivated in tough times. Many of these leaders ask me how to build their self-discipline or stop procrastinating. What I’ve never been asked is how to build self-compassion. However, you cannot be resilient if you lack self-compassion. Here’s why.
Self-compassion is the bedrock of resilience
It allows you to accept your emotions and find a way forward – even when you feel sad, angry or stressed. Self-compassion is what lets you rest when you are tired or pause when you are overwhelmed. It prompts you to learn from mistakes and seek help when you need it. Plus, it prevents conflict and problems with team dynamics. What a bonus!
Self-compassion means accepting yourself and accepting others
Self-acceptance makes you a more creative thinker. When you don’t judge yourself, it’s easier to accept that other people have different views from you. This makes you a wiser and more compassionate leader. It also helps you learn from the people around you – which increases your behavioural flexibility and strengthens your resilience.
Self-compassion broadens your thinking
As I explained in a recent blog article, resilient people have interesting thinking habits. All of these involve shifting your perspective on problems and believing in your own ability to take impactful action. I think of these as strong thinking habits. They all help you to be open, accepting and flexible. In other words someone who thrives beyond adversity and helps others to do the same.
Climbing to the top of the corporate ladder is often lonely, but it doesn’t need to be. High-achieving individuals frequently experience loneliness even when surrounded by others. The way you regulate emotions may be to blame. The latest studies show emotional regulation influences feelings of loneliness.
Being a leader doesn’t need to lead to loneliness. You just need to get to the bottom of the issue. According to research published in Psychology Today, loneliness is often related to how you regulate emotions. Individuals who struggle to accept their emotions struggle to maintain relationships. This can severely impact your personal and professional life.
The studies showed that people who hide their feelings experience higher levels of loneliness. Hiding emotions is a form of expressive suppression. It forces you to avoid social contact. You shut yourself off even further from those around you. Other common emotion regulation strategies include self-blame, rumination, and blaming others.
Self-blame is a toxic form of emotional abuse. It often involves blaming yourself for things that you can’t control. Blaming yourself for things that are out of your control limits your growth. It keeps you from trying new things, as you fear repeating the same mistakes.
Rumination can exacerbate your negative thoughts. Instead of moving forward, you continuously repeat the same events in your head. You replay experiences while continually beating yourself up for perceived shortcomings. A habit of rumination impairs your thinking. It also limits your ability to process emotions.
Some individuals also choose to blame others for their inner turmoil. You may feel that your setbacks were due to others instead of accepting responsibility for your part. The better option is to accept that the past is the past and no thoughts will change it. You can read more about the connection between loneliness and emotional regulation here.
Your emotion regulation strategies may be keeping you from connecting with others. Connecting with your own emotions is the solution. NLP can help you get there by boosting your mental stamina. Positive psychology and NLP techniques can change your negative thinking habits. You’ll experience improved self-awareness, empathy, motivation, and social skills by changing how you regulate emotions.
For example, NLP anchoring can assist with self-regulation and increase your resilience. With practice, you can use NLP anchors to instantly recognise and alter your emotions. It gives you more control over emotions that tend to get in the way of success. You can cope with fear, anxiety, low self-worth, and negative thoughts. NLP submodalities are useful for gaining greater self-awareness. Certain methods can be used to gain a better understanding of how your brain works. You can understand your moods and mental states, along with the triggers for different states.
Paying attention to your emotions may be the key to growing your support circle. NLP offers a way to align your mind and body and regain control of your thoughts. You’ll also benefit from the boost of resiliency provided by better emotional regulation. Learn more. View my one-to-one coaching services and online courses at https://thinklearnsucceed.com.au/
Fortnightly tips and videos to inspire Difference Makers and Future Shapers as their efforts change the world.