Does self-esteem grow with age?

Self-esteem is the value you place on yourself. Having an appropriately high level of self-esteem is important for your mental health and self-agency. In other words, a high level of self-esteem enables you to act towards living a happier and more successful life. If you’re working on your self-esteem, you may be buying into a common myth: that low self-esteem in childhood translates into low self-esteem in adulthood. But is this true?

Thanks to researchers at the University of Bern, we’re now getting closer to answering this question. The research team did a large-scale analysis of studies on self-esteem. They drew together data from 164,868 participants. The results of this study are intriguing. They showed that self-esteem changes in predictable ways over your lifespan. And if you had low self-esteem during childhood, there is some good news. Although self-esteem may drop in middle childhood, it generally rises from there. The peak age for experiencing high levels of self-esteem is between 60 and 70 years. If you’re older than that, though, don’t assume you’re destined to experience poor self-esteem. In fact, the most significant drop in self-esteem occurs after 90 years.

Interestingly, the pattern of self-esteem development seems to be consistent regardless of gender, ethnicity and culture. It is interesting to note that self-esteem levels fluctuate across your lifespan. So let’s take a quick look at the pattern the research has detected.

 

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In early childhood, you didn’t really distinguish between yourself and others. Thus, you were more likely to have stable self-esteem. Between the ages of four and eight, though, you might have experienced a drop in self-esteem. This is probably because you are now able to compare yourself to your peers. Plus, as your cognitive skills developed, you began to understand that who you wanted to be was not necessarily who you really were. This difference between your ideal self and actual self has been shown to significantly impact on self-esteem.

If you had a troubled adolescence, it’s probably not surprising to hear that self-esteem often declines between the ages of 11 and 13. This seems to be because of the stress of identity changes that happen during the transition from childhood to adolescence. However, the Bern study revealed something intriguing. From around 15 years of age, self-esteem is likely to begin recovering.

If you think back to your early 20s, you’re probably realising that your self-esteem gradually began increasing around this time. The University of Bern study showed that a slow and steady increase in self-assurance occurs from this age on. So does the increase ever stop? Apparently, the answer is yes. Self-esteem seems to peak between the ages of 60 and 70. However, that’s not necessarily bad news. At this point it levels out, rather than declining. In fact, self-esteem seems to remain relatively static until the age of 90. Even at this point, decreases are not always large.

Of course, it is always possible to boost your self-esteem. Taking action to do this is constructive if you experience a lot of self-doubt or want to become more confident. If this is the case, remember that there’s lots you can do.

 

About the author: Eleanor Shakiba

Eleanor is a trainer and coach, with a passion for unleashing the power of positive deviance in talented people. She has taught more than 50,000 people how to excel professionally. An expert in the field of Positive Psychology, Eleanor is also qualified in Social Anthropology, Counselling, Coaching, Adult Education and Neuro Linguistic Programming. She specialises in helping HR and L&D practitioners to unleash the power of positive psychology in business. Her major focus in developing three key areas that support positive workplace cultures: positive mindset, proactive communication and purposeful leadership. Eleanor is the author of the Positive Psychology Toolkit for HR and L&D Practitioners. Download your free copy here.

My daily confidence-reboot routine

Many people assume that because I teach confidence building skills, I must be naturally confident. That is definitely not the case. I am a positive psychology trainer because I found the field’s tools so useful in my own life. I’ve learned to be optimistic and believe in my own ability to create positive results. Over the years, I’ve developed a routine that helps me stay in thriving mode. If you’re interested in developing your own self-assurance, maybe some parts of this routine will be useful in your life.

Here are the five things I do daily, to maintain a positive psychological state. They’re all based on principles of positive psychology.

3-minute mindfulness activity

When I awake, I focus my attention on the here and now. I scan my environment and find something to appreciate. This morning, for example, it was a bird fluffing itself up on a branch outside my bedroom window. Finding something to be grateful for before I get out of bed is a helpful way to pry myself to ‘think positive’.

20-minute shot of caffeine-and-smiles

Okay. So the caffeine part isn’t evidence-based (yet). The smiles are, though. Being around positive people creates ‘positive resonance’. That’s why my daily routine includes pausing at my favourite café for coffee and a chat. Bertoni is a spot where everyone is cheerful and positive. There is a vibe amongst the staff, which customers can’t help but absorb. Especially on days where I’ll be working solo, spending 20 minutes in this environment helps keep me upbeat and happy.

 

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Limiting myself to ONE goal for the day

I have a tendency to overwork and be a perfectionist. That’s a legacy of imposter syndrome. At least these days I recognise it. The most practical way I’ve found to manage it is to limit myself to one major, but achievable, goal per day. This prevents me taking on too much, working excessive hours and exhausting myself.

45 minutes of exercise (like it or not)

I don’t really like going to the gym, but it does make a difference to my mood. I’ve researched the bare minimum amount of exercise required to stay healthy – both physically and psychologically. It seems that 45 minutes, three times a week is all it takes to boost mood. So that’s how long I spend in the gym each week. On the other days, though, I do activities that are more appealing. This includes walking to my favourite coffee shop, or dancing in the evenings.

Self-hypnosis session at bedtime

I’ve had a tendency towards insomnia since my teenage years. I blame my parents for introducing me to coffee at age 13. Fortunately, these days, there are many self-hypnosis products which help me relax and sleep. My favourite session is I Can Make You Sleep by Paul McKenna. I have a routine where I hook up my headphones and listen to this audio track in bed. What I really like about it, is that it is designed to let you drift into sleep without ‘waking up’ out of trance. That little touch makes all the difference to helping me drift off.

I firmly believe that everybody is capable of shifting into positive emotional states. This daily routine helps me to do just that. I encourage you to develop your own routine, so that you can experience a happy and empowered life.

 

About the author: Eleanor Shakiba

Eleanor is a specialist in positive psychology. Her passion is teaching talented people to use social and emotional intelligence to excel in business. These skills centre around building positive mindsets, proactive communication habits and purposeful leadership behaviours. Eleanor’s qualifications include degrees and diplomas in Social Anthropology, Positive Psychology, Counselling, Coaching, Adult Education and Neuro Linguistic Programming. She is also the author of the Positive Psychology Toolkit for HR and L&D Practitioners. This is a free resource for trainers and facilitators.

Turbo powered metaphors: a trainer’s guide

My father was a philosophy lecturer. This meant bedtime stories. I grew up with what was slightly different to the average tales of Cinderella or Robin Hood. I was raised on tales of Diogenes, who lived in a wine barrel and peed on wealthy Athenians when they called him a dog. Another favourite character was Socrates, who taught by asking questions. And, of course, there was the author of rhetoric, Aristotle.

It turns out this early grounding in philosophy paid off. To this day, I draw on concepts from Socratic dialogue and rhetoric in my work as a trainer. In particular, I am fascinated by the ways trainers can use metaphors to enhance the impact of a training message. As Aristotle apparently once wrote, “To be a master of metaphor is a sign of genius.” I like to rewrite this quote slightly and say, “Mastery of metaphor is a sign of training genius.”

So what’s the best way to use metaphors? Well, that depends. It seems not all metaphors are created equal. There are five types of metaphors trainers should be aware of. How many of these do you currently use in your presentations?

Common metaphors

The name says it all. These are metaphors which are regularly used in everyday conversation. For example, calling an idea half-baked is a simple metaphor which most people would recognise. Trainers can use simple metaphors to make content accessible to course participants. However, avoid using too many common metaphors as they can make your presentations sound clichéd.

Extended metaphors

Yes! These are my favourites! They’re longer metaphors, which may, in fact, become stories. Many famous novels are extended metaphors. For example, the novel Lord of the Flies is a metaphorical exploration of human nature. The author, William Golding, stated that his book was “an attempt to trace the defects of society back to the defects in human nature”. The entire novel is structured around this concept.

How are extended metaphors useful for trainers? You can use them to trigger and sustain audience engagement just like Billy Connolly. He opens a metaphor at the start of a show, then circles back to expand upon it throughout the session. You can do this, too. This is a brilliant way to keep people listening.

 

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Sensory metaphors

These are metaphors which appeal to the senses. They use figurative language to tap into the power of sight, sound, smell, taste and touch. For example:

  • Chill out, everyone!
  • Today’s hot topic is…
  • Let’s get to grips with a new idea
  • Think of a sweet memory

Using sensory metaphors is a neat way to connect with kinaesthetic learners. So try some out in your next presentation.

Implied metaphors

These are short metaphors in which the speaker draws on assumed knowledge to create a figure of speech. They work because they are so simple that detailed explanation is not required. A good example is saying that someone has been “barking commands” at their team. Although the speaker does not explicitly mention a dog, it is obvious to the average listener that a comparison between a person and a dog is being made.

Visual metaphors

Unlike the previous metaphor types, these are not figures of speech. They are illustrations or images which are used to create a point. For example, a trainer might use an image of a pie as a visual metaphor illustrating the process of distributive negotiation. This involves splitting a limited resource between parties in a negotiation.

Overall, the purpose of using metaphors in presentations and training is to leave an impression. The stronger your metaphor, the more powerful the learning experience. If you’d like to find out more about using metaphors and other figurative devices in your sessions, check out my retreats and masterclasses for facilitators and trainers.

 

About the author: Eleanor Shakiba

Eleanor is a trainer and coach, with a passion for unleashing the power of positive deviance in talented people. She has taught more than 50,000 people how to excel professionally. An expert in the field of Positive Psychology, Eleanor is also qualified in Social Anthropology, Counselling, Coaching, Adult Education and Neuro Linguistic Programming. She specialises in helping HR and L&D practitioners to unleash the power of positive psychology in business. Her major focus in developing three key areas that support positive workplace cultures: positive mindset, proactive communication and purposeful leadership. Eleanor is the author of the Positive Psychology Toolkit for HR and L&D Practitioners. 

What is the negativity bias? by Eleanor Shakiba

This video is part of a positive psychology series. Find out more about positive psychology in Eleanor’s free eBook, the Positive Psychology Toolkit.

Gain greater confidence in your ability to reach goals. Squash your negativity bias so you can build a vibrant organisational culture. The negativity bias is a natural tendency to focus on, remember and ‘learn from’ negative experiences more easily than positive events. In this video, master trainer Eleanor Shakiba explains that it is possible to shift your perspective using a few simple tools from positive psychology. Learn how to replace negativity with hopefulness and optimism.

This video on negativity bias is part of a playlist of positive psychology videos by master trainer, Eleanor Shakiba. If you’re looking for resilience videos or positive thinking videos, subscribe to Eleanor’s channel for regular updates. To book Eleanor to train your team, visit her official site at Think Learn Succeed. To purchase training materials on resilience, learned optimism and employee wellbeing, visit the Think Learn Succeed shop.

 

 

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About the author: Eleanor Shakiba

Eleanor is a specialist in positive psychology. Her passion is teaching talented people to use social and emotional intelligence to excel in business. These skills centre around building positive mindsets, proactive communication habits and purposeful leadership behaviours. Eleanor’s qualifications include degrees and diplomas in Social Anthropology, Positive Psychology, Counselling, Coaching, Adult Education and Neuro Linguistic Programming. She is also the author of the Positive Psychology Toolkit for HR and L&D Practitioners. This is a free resource for trainers and facilitators.

Yes! I have a coach, too. Here’s why

Why should professional facilitators be in coaching themselves? Well, I’m tempted to get on my high horse here. I firmly believe ‘people experts’ face the same challenges as therapists and coaches. Why do I believe this? Because helping others, as facilitators and coaches do, inevitably means dealing with your own ‘stuff’ as well as your clients’ issues. The best practitioners I have met in personal and professional development fields all have regular coaching or counselling themselves.

The bottom line is that professional supervision helps coaches and facilitators to:

  • Reflect on their coaching or training interventions
  • Manage any triggers or defences they experience when working with difficult client
  • Build coaching or facilitation plans in consultation with an external partner, thus ensuring they develop high impact approaches
  • Debrief after unsuccessful or challenging client interactions

There are also a number of personal benefits ‘people experts’ can gain from participating in regular coaching or supervision. Here’s why I attend coaching every month without fail.

As an introvert, I need a structure for reaching out

Introverts are autonomous and self-disciplined. This is often seen as a strength. Like all strengths, though, when taken too far. It can become a limiting characteristic. To me, the downside of being an autonomous practitioner is that I will build my own solutions rather than seeking expert assistance. Having a monthly coaching session prevents me doing this too often. It gives me a forum for talking through tricky decisions or complex situations. I often find that discussing a challenging scenario with my coach leads to faster and more effective solution finding than working solo.

 

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Sometimes I am too creative

Creativity is my signature strength. I love coming up with new ideas. Indeed, it’s impossible to stop myself from doing this. In the early stages of my career, I exhausted myself by trying to action every idea I developed. These days, I work a lot smarter. I keep a list of my brilliant ideas. Then I discuss these with my coach. By the end of our session, I’ve usually discarded most of the ‘shiny things’. Those that are left have been developed into concrete action plans, which become part of my business strategy.

This keeps my creativity working on the important things. It also enables me to switch between creative and practical modes in a way that suits my work style. It has taken me many years to realise that whilst thinking up new ideas is fun, actioning them takes a great deal of energy. It is therefore important to ensure I am spending my energy on the best ideas, rather than trying to do all of them.

I love learning by osmosis… otherwise known as modelling excellence

As an NLP trainer, I am passionate about learning from masterful practitioners. Working with a coach gives me a brilliant opportunity to observe a more experienced practitioner in action. This enriches my own client work, as well as giving me inspiration for reading up on new theories and professional developments.

Overall, I believe that coaches should walk our talk. We tell our clients, “Coaching is a foundation for masterful performance.” Therefore, it makes sense that we should be in coaching ourselves. Have I been true to my word here? Well, last year my coach and I celebrated 20 years of working together. That means I spent more than 200 hours as a coachee myself. Looking back, I can certainly confirm that every hour has contributed to my wellbeing and success.

Eleanor Shakiba is a positive psychology trainer and coach. To find out more about her approach to producing positive results with her clients, download the Positive Psychology Toolkit for HR and L&D Practitioners here. It’s a free resource, in which Eleanor explores the foundation techniques of positive psychology.

 

About the author: Eleanor Shakiba

Eleanor is a positive psychology trainer and coach. She consults to a range of sectors – including higher education, health, finance and local government. Eleanor has been running training and coaching sessions for people in high intellect professions since 1994. She is qualified in Social Anthropology, Positive Psychology, Counselling, Coaching, Adult Education and Neuro Linguistic Programming. She is also the author of the Positive Psychology Toolkit for HR and L&D Practitioners. This is a free resource for trainers and facilitators.

Coaches! Avoid this trap

Her head curled down and shoulders slouched, my new coaching client was a picture of despair. My first instinct was to ask, “What’s wrong?” After all, she looked like she needed sympathy and advice.

I chose to ignore my instinct, knowing it would trap us in a game of clients – coach collusion. Fuelled by the brain’s natural negativity bias, this type of collusion subtly focuses coaching conversations on negatives rather than positives. Ultimately, this makes solution-finding more trying. Great coaches don’t ignore negatives, but they do reframe them.

I base my positive psychology training and coaching methods on those of renowned hypnotherapist Milton Erickson. He was a master of positive reframing and his techniques are useful in resilience training, assertiveness programs and one-to-one coaching. His finely crafted language patterns subtly directed clients’ attention. Instead of asking about the past, Erickson asked about the future. He didn’t ask what was wrong. Instead, he encouraged his clients to picture how things might go right in the future. On the surface, Erickson’s techniques seem simple. The more you use them, though, the more you understand they are highly flexible and engaging tools for positive change.

As a trainer or facilitator with an interest in positive psychology training, how can you use Ericksonian language patterns to overcome the brain’s negativity bias? Here are a few of my favourite techniques, which I cover in my advanced level workshops for trainers, course creators and facilitators.

 

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Open your sessions with neutral questions

Asking what’s wrong subtly focuses attention on problems. Don’t do it! Instead, frame your questions in neutral, ‘clean’ language. Start your coaching sessions by asking, “How are you travelling this week?” Even better, remain silent and let your clients open the conversation.

Temporalise negative feelings

Great coaches don’t ignore negatives. This is particularly true when seeking to empathise with clients. However, really successful coaches know that empathy is different to collusion. When a coach speaks as though a negative emotional state will be ongoing, collusion occurs. The coach sides with the client’s negative expectations.

You can avoid doing this by adding temporal tags to your empathic statements. Despite the complex name, a temporal tag is a simple linguistic device. It is a short phrase which suggests a timeline or endpoint. For example, a savvy coach might empathise by saying, “Things seem bad right now.” The last two words of this empathic statements suggest the emotion is transitory.

Probe for counter evidence and counter examples

The negativity bias has been shown to influence what people remember. Put simply, brains remember negative experiences more clearly than positive experiences. This is why excellent coaches probe full counter examples when their clients raise problematic situations.

Promote self-efficacy

Negativity and learned helplessness tend to go together. They lead to states of overwhelm and pessimism, in which your cochees feel incapable of taking action. Your job is to highlight opportunities for empowered action. Do this by asking questions about steps your coachees can take to solve their problems and overcome challenges.

Mastering the art of positive reframing is an exciting way to boost your impact as a positive psychology practitioner. For more information about simple tools to transform your results, download the Positive Psychology Toolkit for HR and L&D Practitioners.

 

About the author: Eleanor Shakiba

Eleanor is a positive psychology trainer and coach. Her passion is teaching skills for positive thinking, proactive communication and purposeful leadership. Her clients work in academia, education, IT, engineering, finance and health. Eleanor is qualified in Social Anthropology, Positive Psychology, Counselling, Coaching, Adult Education and Neuro Linguistic Programming. She’s the author of the Positive Psychology Toolkit for HR and L&D Practitioners, a free resource for trainers.

Questions that make or break confidence by Eleanor Shakiba

When time are tough the tough get going…but the smart get questioning. In this video, master coach Eleanor Shakiba explains how the questions you ask yourself directly impact your confidence and resilience levels. Drawing on Meta Model questions from NLP, she explains how to overcome ‘learned helplessness’ by making simple changes to your internal dialogue. Watch Questions that Make or Break Confidence now.

 

 

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About the author: Eleanor Shakiba

Eleanor is a specialist in positive psychology. Her passion is teaching talented people to use social and emotional intelligence to excel in business. These skills centre around building positive mindsets, proactive communication habits and purposeful leadership behaviours. Eleanor’s qualifications include degrees and diplomas in Social Anthropology, Positive Psychology, Counselling, Coaching, Adult Education and Neuro Linguistic Programming. She is also the author of the Positive Psychology Toolkit for HR and L&D Practitioners. This is a free resource for trainers and facilitators.

12 tools for smart trainers: role play design

Okay. Role play isn’t always popular with course participants. Don’t let that put you off using it, though. It’s a powerful medium for learning, provided you create and set up scenarios that resonate with your group. Aim to create a ‘real play’ environment, rather than an acting class vibe.

Put simply, role playing is an active learning technique in which course participants ‘act out’ scenarios. The purpose of doing this is to apply techniques they have learned during a training program. This means simple scenarios work best. Your participants need to devote ‘headspace’ to processing what they’ve learned. So don’t confuse them by giving complicated briefs and character sketches.

Indeed, it pays to remember that role play began as an improvisational technique. The techniques we use in today’s training rooms were first developed by a Viennese psychologist, Jacob Moreno. He believed that people learn far more from acting out problems than from talking about them. He therefore developed a process for first pinpointing a real-life problem, then playing out different ways of solving it. That structure evolved over time, gradually becoming more ‘scripted’. Today’s role play techniques often combine the acting-out-problems component of Moreno’s model with Harvard University’s case study model. Sometimes, however, the briefs provided to role players become too complex because of this.

 

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That’s ironic, really, when you consider they are called ‘briefs’. Keep that name in mind the next time you are writing a role play scenario. Instead of lengthy descriptions, use dot points in your briefs. Instruct your course participants to imagine they are really in the situation described. Tell them to ‘be true to themselves’ as they play out the scenario. This will reduce anxiety levels and help everyone get the most from the activity.

Another way to reduce ‘stage fright’ is to frame your role play carefully. For example, point out that nothing – except learning – will happen if participants make mistakes during a role play. It’s much better to stuff up in the training room than in real life. Ask them to experiment wildly and try on new behaviours, because learning happens when we do new things.

Finally, remember that introducing an observer is guaranteed to raise stress levels. Instead, hand out debrief sheets and encourage role play partners to fill them in together. This depersonalises the process of giving and receiving feedback. Thus, it makes the role play experience far less daunting.

Overall, your ability to write and set up role plays will impact how much people learn from them. Remember that master trainers don’t just print out role play briefs from the internet. They craft relevant, engaging scenarios that make sense to their course participants.

Want to learn more about being a master trainer? Enrol in a trainers’ master class with Eleanor Shakiba today.

 

About the author: Eleanor Shakiba

Eleanor is a specialist in positive psychology training. Her core strength is creativity, which she expresses in the training room through storytelling and visual design. She has dedicated her career to helping experienced professionals break through glass ceilings by developing their confidence, communication skills and leadership mastery. Eleanor is qualified in a range of fields including Social Anthropology, Positive Psychology, Counselling, Coaching, Adult Education and Neuro Linguistic Programming. She is also the author of the Positive Psychology Toolkit for HR and L&D Practitioners. This is a free resource for trainers and facilitators

Is negativity bias destroying your culture?

Do people in your business tend to dwell on bad things and fail to notice the good? If so, your team is experiencing negativity bias. This is a natural tendency to focus on, remember and ‘learn from’ negative experiences more easily than positive events. There’s a substantial body of research in positive psychology which demonstrates the power of the negativity bias. Luckily, it is possible to shift perspectives, using a few simple tools from positive psychology. These tools are useful for leaders, resilience trainers and change managers.

A great deal of research has been completed on the topic of negativity bias. For example, studies by John and Stephanie Cacioppo and Jackie Gollan confirmed the theory that people tend to make decisions based on negative information more than positive information. Additional studies have concluded that when people are presented with a situation where they mainly gain or lose something, the potential loss has more of an impact on their decisions compared to the potential gains.

Research also suggests that negativity bias starts in infancy. Young infants pay more attention to positive facial expressions. By one year of age, the brain starts to respond to negative stimuli. Before long, negativity bias starts to creep in. If a team gets into the habit of focusing on the negative, the bias will soon be assumed to be an accurate representation of reality. Fortunately, there’s a lot you can do about this. Here are some ideas for countering the negativity bias as a leader, facilitator or positive psychology trainer.

 

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Listen carefully

The words people use give you clues as to what they’re thinking. People who focus on negatives tend to use negative language. Words like ‘can’t’ or ‘never’ are clear indicators that people are filtering for what is not working in their lives, for example.

Use questions to help people reframe

Cognitive reframing is a very useful tool for helping people shift from negative to positive focus points. Ask people what is going right, what the advantages of change might be or how they benefit from a change. As you do this, they will slip into growth mindset mode.

Redirect attention

Make a conscious effort to redirect conversations towards optimistic, hopeful themes. Encourage your team to express gratitude or talk about what they’ve done to solve problems. This subtly programs them to pay attention to constructive feelings, ideas and events.

Positive psychology teaches us that negativity can be overturned. By replacing it with hopefulness and optimism, you gain greater confidence in your ability to reach goals. Positive psychology trainers can help develop these traits across your entire organisation. Contact Eleanor Shakiba today to discuss options for building positive team dynamics and vibrant organisational culture, using positive psychology.

 

About the author: Eleanor Shakiba

Eleanor consults in culture-building and behaviour change training. Her customers are people who want to embed positive psychology in teams and organisations. Since 1994, she has been teaching talented professionals how to think, communicate and lead in ways that build success. Eleanor holds qualifications in Social Anthropology, Positive Psychology, Counselling, Coaching, Adult Education and Neuro Linguistic Programming. Eleanor is the author of the Positive Psychology Toolkit for HR and L&D Practitioners. Download your free copy here.

Online courses

Did you know you can do online courses with Eleanor? Available 24/7 so you can learn when it suits you. Mini courses cost $55 and full courses are $110 They’re designed for ambitious professionals, who want to accelerate their success. Sound like you? Check your options here.

 

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