Coaches! Avoid this trap

Her head curled down and shoulders slouched, my new coaching client was a picture of despair. My first instinct was to ask, “What’s wrong?” After all, she looked like she needed sympathy and advice.

I chose to ignore my instinct, knowing it would trap us in a game of clients – coach collusion. Fuelled by the brain’s natural negativity bias, this type of collusion subtly focuses coaching conversations on negatives rather than positives. Ultimately, this makes solution-finding more trying. Great coaches don’t ignore negatives, but they do reframe them.

I base my positive psychology training and coaching methods on those of renowned hypnotherapist Milton Erickson. He was a master of positive reframing and his techniques are useful in resilience training, assertiveness programs and one-to-one coaching. His finely crafted language patterns subtly directed clients’ attention. Instead of asking about the past, Erickson asked about the future. He didn’t ask what was wrong. Instead, he encouraged his clients to picture how things might go right in the future. On the surface, Erickson’s techniques seem simple. The more you use them, though, the more you understand they are highly flexible and engaging tools for positive change.

As a trainer or facilitator with an interest in positive psychology training, how can you use Ericksonian language patterns to overcome the brain’s negativity bias? Here are a few of my favourite techniques, which I cover in my advanced level workshops for trainers, course creators and facilitators.

 

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Open your sessions with neutral questions

Asking what’s wrong subtly focuses attention on problems. Don’t do it! Instead, frame your questions in neutral, ‘clean’ language. Start your coaching sessions by asking, “How are you travelling this week?” Even better, remain silent and let your clients open the conversation.

Temporalise negative feelings

Great coaches don’t ignore negatives. This is particularly true when seeking to empathise with clients. However, really successful coaches know that empathy is different to collusion. When a coach speaks as though a negative emotional state will be ongoing, collusion occurs. The coach sides with the client’s negative expectations.

You can avoid doing this by adding temporal tags to your empathic statements. Despite the complex name, a temporal tag is a simple linguistic device. It is a short phrase which suggests a timeline or endpoint. For example, a savvy coach might empathise by saying, “Things seem bad right now.” The last two words of this empathic statements suggest the emotion is transitory.

Probe for counter evidence and counter examples

The negativity bias has been shown to influence what people remember. Put simply, brains remember negative experiences more clearly than positive experiences. This is why excellent coaches probe full counter examples when their clients raise problematic situations.

Promote self-efficacy

Negativity and learned helplessness tend to go together. They lead to states of overwhelm and pessimism, in which your cochees feel incapable of taking action. Your job is to highlight opportunities for empowered action. Do this by asking questions about steps your coachees can take to solve their problems and overcome challenges.

Mastering the art of positive reframing is an exciting way to boost your impact as a positive psychology practitioner. For more information about simple tools to transform your results, download the Positive Psychology Toolkit for HR and L&D Practitioners.

 

About the author: Eleanor Shakiba

Eleanor is a positive psychology trainer and coach. Her passion is teaching skills for positive thinking, proactive communication and purposeful leadership. Her clients work in academia, education, IT, engineering, finance and health. Eleanor is qualified in Social Anthropology, Positive Psychology, Counselling, Coaching, Adult Education and Neuro Linguistic Programming. She’s the author of the Positive Psychology Toolkit for HR and L&D Practitioners, a free resource for trainers.

Questions that make or break confidence by Eleanor Shakiba

When time are tough the tough get going…but the smart get questioning. In this video, master coach Eleanor Shakiba explains how the questions you ask yourself directly impact your confidence and resilience levels. Drawing on Meta Model questions from NLP, she explains how to overcome ‘learned helplessness’ by making simple changes to your internal dialogue. Watch Questions that Make or Break Confidence now.

 

 

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About the author: Eleanor Shakiba

Eleanor is a specialist in positive psychology. Her passion is teaching talented people to use social and emotional intelligence to excel in business. These skills centre around building positive mindsets, proactive communication habits and purposeful leadership behaviours. Eleanor’s qualifications include degrees and diplomas in Social Anthropology, Positive Psychology, Counselling, Coaching, Adult Education and Neuro Linguistic Programming. She is also the author of the Positive Psychology Toolkit for HR and L&D Practitioners. This is a free resource for trainers and facilitators.

12 tools for smart trainers: role play design

Okay. Role play isn’t always popular with course participants. Don’t let that put you off using it, though. It’s a powerful medium for learning, provided you create and set up scenarios that resonate with your group. Aim to create a ‘real play’ environment, rather than an acting class vibe.

Put simply, role playing is an active learning technique in which course participants ‘act out’ scenarios. The purpose of doing this is to apply techniques they have learned during a training program. This means simple scenarios work best. Your participants need to devote ‘headspace’ to processing what they’ve learned. So don’t confuse them by giving complicated briefs and character sketches.

Indeed, it pays to remember that role play began as an improvisational technique. The techniques we use in today’s training rooms were first developed by a Viennese psychologist, Jacob Moreno. He believed that people learn far more from acting out problems than from talking about them. He therefore developed a process for first pinpointing a real-life problem, then playing out different ways of solving it. That structure evolved over time, gradually becoming more ‘scripted’. Today’s role play techniques often combine the acting-out-problems component of Moreno’s model with Harvard University’s case study model. Sometimes, however, the briefs provided to role players become too complex because of this.

 

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That’s ironic, really, when you consider they are called ‘briefs’. Keep that name in mind the next time you are writing a role play scenario. Instead of lengthy descriptions, use dot points in your briefs. Instruct your course participants to imagine they are really in the situation described. Tell them to ‘be true to themselves’ as they play out the scenario. This will reduce anxiety levels and help everyone get the most from the activity.

Another way to reduce ‘stage fright’ is to frame your role play carefully. For example, point out that nothing – except learning – will happen if participants make mistakes during a role play. It’s much better to stuff up in the training room than in real life. Ask them to experiment wildly and try on new behaviours, because learning happens when we do new things.

Finally, remember that introducing an observer is guaranteed to raise stress levels. Instead, hand out debrief sheets and encourage role play partners to fill them in together. This depersonalises the process of giving and receiving feedback. Thus, it makes the role play experience far less daunting.

Overall, your ability to write and set up role plays will impact how much people learn from them. Remember that master trainers don’t just print out role play briefs from the internet. They craft relevant, engaging scenarios that make sense to their course participants.

Want to learn more about being a master trainer? Enrol in a trainers’ master class with Eleanor Shakiba today.

 

About the author: Eleanor Shakiba

Eleanor is a specialist in positive psychology training. Her core strength is creativity, which she expresses in the training room through storytelling and visual design. She has dedicated her career to helping experienced professionals break through glass ceilings by developing their confidence, communication skills and leadership mastery. Eleanor is qualified in a range of fields including Social Anthropology, Positive Psychology, Counselling, Coaching, Adult Education and Neuro Linguistic Programming. She is also the author of the Positive Psychology Toolkit for HR and L&D Practitioners. This is a free resource for trainers and facilitators

Is negativity bias destroying your culture?

Do people in your business tend to dwell on bad things and fail to notice the good? If so, your team is experiencing negativity bias. This is a natural tendency to focus on, remember and ‘learn from’ negative experiences more easily than positive events. There’s a substantial body of research in positive psychology which demonstrates the power of the negativity bias. Luckily, it is possible to shift perspectives, using a few simple tools from positive psychology. These tools are useful for leaders, resilience trainers and change managers.

A great deal of research has been completed on the topic of negativity bias. For example, studies by John and Stephanie Cacioppo and Jackie Gollan confirmed the theory that people tend to make decisions based on negative information more than positive information. Additional studies have concluded that when people are presented with a situation where they mainly gain or lose something, the potential loss has more of an impact on their decisions compared to the potential gains.

Research also suggests that negativity bias starts in infancy. Young infants pay more attention to positive facial expressions. By one year of age, the brain starts to respond to negative stimuli. Before long, negativity bias starts to creep in. If a team gets into the habit of focusing on the negative, the bias will soon be assumed to be an accurate representation of reality. Fortunately, there’s a lot you can do about this. Here are some ideas for countering the negativity bias as a leader, facilitator or positive psychology trainer.

 

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Listen carefully

The words people use give you clues as to what they’re thinking. People who focus on negatives tend to use negative language. Words like ‘can’t’ or ‘never’ are clear indicators that people are filtering for what is not working in their lives, for example.

Use questions to help people reframe

Cognitive reframing is a very useful tool for helping people shift from negative to positive focus points. Ask people what is going right, what the advantages of change might be or how they benefit from a change. As you do this, they will slip into growth mindset mode.

Redirect attention

Make a conscious effort to redirect conversations towards optimistic, hopeful themes. Encourage your team to express gratitude or talk about what they’ve done to solve problems. This subtly programs them to pay attention to constructive feelings, ideas and events.

Positive psychology teaches us that negativity can be overturned. By replacing it with hopefulness and optimism, you gain greater confidence in your ability to reach goals. Positive psychology trainers can help develop these traits across your entire organisation. Contact Eleanor Shakiba today to discuss options for building positive team dynamics and vibrant organisational culture, using positive psychology.

 

About the author: Eleanor Shakiba

Eleanor consults in culture-building and behaviour change training. Her customers are people who want to embed positive psychology in teams and organisations. Since 1994, she has been teaching talented professionals how to think, communicate and lead in ways that build success. Eleanor holds qualifications in Social Anthropology, Positive Psychology, Counselling, Coaching, Adult Education and Neuro Linguistic Programming. Eleanor is the author of the Positive Psychology Toolkit for HR and L&D Practitioners. Download your free copy here.

Online courses

Did you know you can do online courses with Eleanor? Available 24/7 so you can learn when it suits you. Mini courses cost $55 and full courses are $110 They’re designed for ambitious professionals, who want to accelerate their success. Sound like you? Check your options here.

 

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Say “hello” to confident networking

Does the thought of attending a networking event fill you with dread? If so, you’re not alone. Many people find it daunting to connect with total strangers. Even highly confident professionals can find networking a challenge. Key questions participants in my communication skills courses ask about networking include these.

  • How should I introduce myself?
  • What should I talk about?
  • What if others aren’t interested in what I have to say?

In fact, about half the people in my classes report thinking things like this. So do the maths. That means there is a 50% chance that stranger you’re introducing yourself to is experiencing the same trepidation as you. Fortunately, there are some simple tactics you can use to make both yourself and others more comfortable at professional events. Here are three tips to get you started.

Use your happy voice

Your tone and pace of voice send an immediate message to your counterpart. Using a happy tone of voice is more effective than trying to sound confident when building rapport. That’s probably good news if you’ve ever been given the advice ‘just relax and be confident’. Psychologists have done some interesting research in this area. One experiment involved asking volunteers to record themselves, saying “hello” five different times. First, they recorded their greeting using their normal tone of voice. Next, they took on a happy tone. In the third recording, they shifted into a sad mode. Recording number four was an angry tone. And the final recording was made while the volunteer was in Amy Cuddy’s ‘power pose’. If you’re familiar with Cuddy’s research, you’re probably now predicting that the power pose recording would have been preferred by people listening to the greeting. In fact, this was not the case.

The research participants who listened to the recordings were asked to rate how likeable the speaker was in each version of their recording. Across a range of voices, with differing accents and energy levels, the results were conclusive. Listeners responded most positively to the happy voices. So keep this in mind the next time you’re introducing yourself to someone new.

 

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Use information hooks to start the conversation

You can easily avoid awkward silences by thinking of two or three intriguing questions to use as conversation openers. Examples include:

  • What’s the most interesting meal you’ve ever had?
  • What’s been your most positive learning experience in life?
  • What are your thoughts on the topic we’re covering here today?
  • How did you get into your line of work?

You’ll notice that all these questions are open questions. This means they encourage the conversation partner to open up. Hopefully, as they speak, you’ll hear something you can tie into. In no time at all, you’ll find the conversation flowing smoothly.

Find ways to help

Networking is about making lasting connections. Being helpful will guarantee this happens. Focus on others’ interests and ambitions. If you feel there are opportunities to help out, make an offer. That’s a great way to create a positive impression, as well as build a bridge to staying in touch.

Remember that positive psychology is a great tool for building constructive relationships. Focus on helping others feel comfortable. You’ll soon discover that this distracts you from your worries about networking. You will become more confident and that will make you appear relaxed and interesting.

 

About the author: Eleanor Shakiba

Eleanor is a specialist in positive psychology. Her passion is teaching talented people to use social and emotional intelligence to excel in business. These skills centre around building positive mindsets, proactive communication habits and purposeful leadership behaviours. Eleanor’s qualifications include degrees and diplomas in Social Anthropology, Positive Psychology, Counselling, Coaching, Adult Education and Neuro Linguistic Programming. She is also the author of the Positive Psychology Toolkit for HR and L&D Practitioners. This is a free resource for trainers and facilitators.

What crime novels have taught me about building confidence

Okay. This is where I confess to some dubious reading habits. When I’m tired, or need something to divert me from a problem, I love reading pot boilers. My particular indulgence is cliché ridden crime novels. I only read the novels that feature female detectives, all of whom seem to be deeply wounded and suffering imposter syndrome.

Interestingly, I learned quite a bit from these heroines. For example, I’ve picked up tips on packing bags, fitting exercise into a busy schedule and reducing housework to the bare minimum. Most significantly, I’ve drawn a few lessons on building confidence from the antics of my favourite female detectives.

It doesn’t matter if you make bad decisions, as long as you adapt

It’s amazing how often the central character of a crime novel leaves her radio and/or phone behind when driving off to meet with a killer. This seems to happen to even the wiliest detective. What interests me about this, though, is that the heroine always manages to recover from her poor decision.

This is an interesting lesson for real life. Sometimes we make the wrong choice. Occasionally this gets us into very hot water. Yet, if we keep a clear head, these situations foster learning and growth. After all, making mistakes is part of experimenting. It’s inevitable that if we take risks, sometimes we’ll experience ‘failure’. It’s what happens next that matters. And that is usually totally within our control.

 

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The cure for self-doubt is action

The fast pace of the (fictional) female detective’s life means she doesn’t have time for rumination. I think the rest of us can learn from this. Rumination involves pondering our own flaws or errors. If we do this for too long, we’ll naturally begin to doubt ourselves. To break the cycle of rumination, it often helps to focus on something important. This doesn’t have to be hunting down a master criminal. It might just involve hunting down your perfect job, for example. In the end, what will impact your emotional state is your desire to make a positive change.

Solutions can be found in surprising places

The plot of a crime novel is only interesting when it contains unexpected twists. Life is sort of like that, too. One of the main things that attracts me to detective novels is that their central characters are usually extremely solution focused. They don’t let problems slow them down. Instead, they use lateral thinking and creativity to achieve a goal. Interestingly, they often combine high attention to detail with a strong sense of intuitive thinking. This is a great combination for anyone who wants to boost their confidence levels.

So yes. My leisure-reading can’t be classified as great literature. I’ll continue reading crime novels, though, because they spark new ideas that end up being applied in my business. Now I just have to convince my accountant to make them tax-deductible…

 

About the author: Eleanor Shakiba

Eleanor is a consultant in the areas of positive psychology training and solution focused coaching. She partners with HR and L&D teams to build vibrant cultures where ‘positive deviants’ thrive. Areas she specialises in include positive mindset, proactive communication and purposeful leadership. Eleanor is qualified in Social Anthropology, Positive Psychology, Counselling, Coaching, Adult Education and Neuro Linguistic Programming. Her passion is working with positive deviants to build success. Download a copy of her free ebook Positive Psychology Toolkit for HR and L&D Practitioners.

Dull topic? Do this!

Think of a training session or presentation that you deliver regularly. Are there any parts of that session that you dread delivering? If so, chances are those are the ‘dull bits’ of your content. The compliance content. The boring theory content. The policy and procedure content. You know what I mean. Lazy trainers deliver this type of content using dot point after dot point on a badly designed slide.

Not me! I see dull content as a flavourless stew waiting to be transformed into a tasty feast. The base ingredients are already in the pot: ready for me to add the right herbs and spices. My job is to choose flavourings that will appeal to the taste buds of my group. Like all master chefs, I have a few ‘secret ingredients’ I can add into my training sessions. What are your favourite ways to make a topic interesting? Here are mine.

Turning statistics into analogies

Any set of numbers actually tells a story. Your job, as a creative trainer, is to find the story and tell it. For example, in a session on safe work practices, you could turn statistics about injuries in the workplace into stories about the people those statistics represent. This type of story is often quite dramatic, so it can be a useful way to connect with your audience.

 

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‘Spontaneously’ role-playing with course participants

If you tell participants they’re going to do a role-play, you will encounter groans and resistance. However, you can overcome this obstacle by participating in the role play yourself. Listen carefully to the stories your group participants tell. Then choose a story to enact for your group. Every session will have an extrovert who is willing to play you. During a break, ask this person, whether they would be willing to play the part of one of the people in a scenario that’s already been discussed. Then gather the rest of the group around and role-play the situation. Engage the audience by asking them to give instructions to the characters in the role-play, so that it becomes a ‘create your own adventure’ story.

Using cameras

There are many ways to use video and photo in training sessions. For example, the participants can video themselves or record themselves trying out new skills. Or they can write scripts and perform them as a way of giving feedback on what they’ve learned. In groups that are more resistant to ‘acting’, ask people to take photos of interesting objects and then relate them to your course topic. This is a great way to boost energy in the afternoon, whilst keeping your session on topic.

And remember this. Great chefs learn by testing new ingredients and trying new cuisines. Likewise, great trainers are constantly experimenting with new content and delivery methods. This keeps your learning menu fresh and your course participants hungry for more of your content.

 

About the author: Eleanor Shakiba

Eleanor is a specialist in positive psychology. Her passion is teaching talented people to use social and emotional intelligence to excel in business. These skills centre around building positive mindsets, proactive communication habits and purposeful leadership behaviours. Eleanor’s qualifications include degrees and diplomas in Social Anthropology, Positive Psychology, Counselling, Coaching, Adult Education and Neuro Linguistic Programming. She is also the author of the Positive Psychology Toolkit for HR and L&D Practitioners. This is a free resource for trainers and facilitators.

What are team dynamics? by Eleanor Shakiba

This video is part of a positive psychology series. Find out more about positive psychology in Eleanor’s free eBook, the Positive Psychology Toolkit.

Build a thriving team with positive dynamics. The term ‘team dynamics’ refers to the psychological factors that influence the way that a team collectively behaves and performs. Team dynamics directly influence the behaviours of every team member. You can bring together the brightest, smartest individuals to work on your team, but without the right group dynamics, that team might not gel. In this video, positive psychology trainer, Eleanor Shakiba, shares with us the factors and techniques that impact relationships and, ultimately, a group’s output.

This video on team dynamics is part of a playlist of positive psychology videos by master trainer, Eleanor Shakiba. If you’re looking for resilience videos or positive thinking videos, subscribe to Eleanor’s channel for regular updates. To book Eleanor to train your team, visit her official site at Think Learn Succeed. To purchase training materials on resilience, learned optimism and employee wellbeing, visit the Think Learn Succeed shop.
 


 

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About the author: Eleanor Shakiba

Eleanor is a specialist in positive psychology. Her passion is teaching talented people to use social and emotional intelligence to excel in business. These skills centre around building positive mindsets, proactive communication habits and purposeful leadership behaviours. Eleanor’s qualifications include degrees and diplomas in Social Anthropology, Positive Psychology, Counselling, Coaching, Adult Education and Neuro Linguistic Programming. She is also the author of the Positive Psychology Toolkit for HR and L&D Practitioners. This is a free resource for trainers and facilitators.

Stage skills I’ve learned from positive psychology stars

It’s no secret I’m a lifelong learner. When I’m not upfront in the training room, I’m probably learning somewhere else. One of my favourite environments for learning is positive psychology conferences. There, I get to learn from the top minds in my field. Not only that, I get to model their stage skills. This makes the learning experience double layered. Which is why I’m always scribbling frantic notes whenever I’m learning.

Here are my favourite takeaways from the sessions I’ve attended over the years. This article will focus on stage skills, rather than positive psychology content. In a future article, I’ll share insights gained from the expert content delivered by these presenters.

Martin Seligman: the father of positive psychology

I have attended several sessions delivered by Martin Seligman. I am always impressed by his centred, calm presence. His charisma seems to influence everyone in the room. The most notable example of this was the day he arrived unannounced and stood at the back of a training room in Austria. Although the audience was not aware of his presence, there was a notable shift in the group’s energy. When Martin’s presence was acknowledged by the presenter, suddenly the change of atmosphere made total sense.

What have I learned from seeing Martin Seligman in action on stage? Most importantly, I gained insight into the power of grounded and respectful responding. This is a particularly useful skill when you’re facing a heckler or angry group participant. I once saw Martin Seligman being berated by a group member during question time. Her argument was that positive psychology was exploitative and dangerous. She was certainly passionate in her delivery, gesturing wildly and using very strong language. Martin Seligman stood directly in front of her, calmly acknowledging her statements. He was respectful and attentive, whilst also moving the conversation to a more constructive place. A masterful response.

 

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Barbara Fredrickson: expert on positive emotions

Unfortunately, I haven’t yet seen Barbara Fredrickson live, because Covid19 led to conference cancellations in 2020. However, I did attend some online sessions, which she led masterfully. Her presentation was well structured and supported by simple, yet engaging, slides. What really stood out, though, was Barbara Fredrickson’s use of simple metaphors to build a theme through her presentation.

As an NLP trainer, these days, I tend to construct elaborate metaphors which feature intricate plots and characterisations. What I loved about Barbara Fredrickson’s metaphors, in contrast, was they were very simple. For example, she used a metaphor of eating a balanced diet to explain the role of different types of emotions in our lives. This made her point very clear. It also provided a reference point she could return to throughout the presentation. Since observing this pared back metaphor use, I started experimenting with it myself. What I found, is that more concrete learners prefer this style of metaphor. Intuitive ones, on the other hand, are engaged more by the complex NLP style metaphors.

Robert Biswas-Diener: positive coaching expert

I’ve seen Robert Biswas-Diener both online and on stage. He’s a superb presenter. His sessions are humorous, engaging and vibrant. I always learn a new stagecraft trick when I attend his sessions. So what’s the most important technique I’ve gleaned from him? It’s definitely Robert Biswas-Diener’s use of personal anecdotes to establish his authority and connect with his audience. Whether he’s talking about learning to paint or going through tribal scarification rituals in Africa, his stories entertain and embed key presentation messages at the same time.

What gave I learned from all this role modelling? It all boils down to one key message. Expressing your authentic self brings a presentation to life. Audiences don’t want facts, figures and data alone. What makes information resonate is the performance skills of the speaker. And the great news is that these can always continue being developed. So lifelong learners like me will always have something more to learn.

If you, too, are a facilitator or presenter who wants to be masterful in your stage skills, subscribe to my Positive Psychology Toolkit for HR and L&D Practitioners. This gives you access to fortnightly tips on improving both your professional expertise and your stage skills. Download it for free here.

 

About the author: Eleanor Shakiba

Eleanor is a specialist in positive psychology training. Her core strength is creativity, which she expresses in the training room through storytelling and visual design. She has dedicated her career to helping experienced professionals break through glass ceilings by developing their confidence, communication skills and leadership mastery. Eleanor is qualified in a range of fields including Social Anthropology, Positive Psychology, Counselling, Coaching, Adult Education and Neuro Linguistic Programming. She is also the author of the Positive Psychology Toolkit for HR and L&D Practitioners. This is a free resource for trainers and facilitators.