Confidence the Introvert Way by Eleanor Shakiba

“Whosoever is delighted in solitude, is either a wild beast or a god.” I think Aristotle captures the pros and cons of being introverted brilliantly here. Introverts are often assumed to be shy. They think of themselves as lacking confidence. I see things differently. Watch Confidence the Introvert’s Way now.
 


 

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About the author: Eleanor Shakiba

Eleanor is a specialist in positive psychology. Her passion is teaching talented people to use social and emotional intelligence to excel in business. These skills centre around building positive mindsets, proactive communication habits and purposeful leadership behaviours. Eleanor’s qualifications include degrees and diplomas in Social Anthropology, Positive Psychology, Counselling, Coaching, Adult Education and Neuro Linguistic Programming. She is also the author of the Positive Psychology Toolkit for HR and L&D Practitioners. This is a free resource for trainers and facilitators.

Self-awareness versus self-consciousness: what’s the difference?

Imposter syndrome is a big problem in business. It leads talented people to overwork and burn out. Ironically, the very sensitivity that trainers and HR practitioners want their leaders to possess (self-awareness) seems to drive imposter thinking. The problem is, some people take self-awareness too far. When this happens, they become self-conscious and a downward spiral begins. Understanding the difference between self-awareness and self-consciousness can help prevent this problem occurring in your business. So, how are self-awareness and self-consciousness different?

Legend has it that seven sages of ancient Greece gathered together in Delphi and encapsulated their wisdom in one command: know thyself. But can taking this advice too far turn self awareness into self consciousness? Not if you understand what self-awareness truly is.

Self-awareness is your ability to have a sense of your ‘self’ being separate to others. It is one of a few unique abilities that make you human. Cats aren’t self-aware, for example. If a cat sees itself in a mirror, it hisses and spits. Why? It thinks the reflection is another cat. You, however, see ‘yourself’ in a mirror. You learned to recognise yourself from a very young age. This was the age at which developed a sense of self-awareness.

Psychologists have defined two broad categories of self-awareness – internal and external. Internal self-awareness refers to how you view your thoughts, feelings, behaviours, strengths and weaknesses. External self-awareness is how you believe that others view these traits and characteristics. People who adopt a critical sense of external self-awareness are more likely to become self-conscious. They assume others are judging them negatively.

 

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Sadly, many talented people are secretly self-conscious. This leads to perfectionism, excessive work hours and an inability to ‘let things go’. Leaders and L&D practitioners should watch out for these signs. By intervening early, you can prevent self-consciousness developing into imposter syndrome. There are many positive psychology training and coaching techniques that can help you do this. Additionally, you can use resilience training to prevent burnout destroying your best talent. There are three key skills to teach your people: self-reflection, mindfulness and self-compassion.

Self-reflection

Self-conscious people ruminate. Confident people reflect. This is a key distinction to keep in mind when delivering leadership or emotional intelligence training. Remember to explain the difference. Then give your people simple tools for reflecting on their experiences. Show them how to stop focusing on things that go wrong and instead ask ‘what have I learned from this?’.

Mindful attention

Mindfulness is also a useful tool for building self-awareness. Teach your people how to recognise thoughts as they arise, without dwelling on them. This helps eliminate self-consciousness and foster healthy self-awareness.

Self-compassion

Self-compassion is an important concept to teach people anyone who suffers from imposter syndrome. It involves means being sensitive to your own suffering and accepting all aspects of yourself. Having self-compassion means being able to relate to yourself in a way that’s forgiving, accepting and loving when situations might be less than optimal. Resilience trainers or HR experts who want to learn more about self-compassion should explore the work of Dr. Kristin Neff. Leaders who want to apply positive psychology in their own lives can also benefit from gaining a better understanding of Dr Neff’s work.

To unlock the power of self-awareness, start working with positive psychology trainers and coaches. Resilience training can help cultivate greater self-awareness, which empowers individuals to become more mindful, resourceful and compassionate. Contact Eleanor Shakiba today to find the secret to boosting self-awareness among your people.

 

About the author: Eleanor Shakiba

Eleanor is a specialist in positive psychology training. Her core strength is creativity, which she expresses in the training room through storytelling and visual design. She has dedicated her career to helping experienced professionals break through glass ceilings by developing their confidence, communication skills and leadership mastery. Eleanor is qualified in a range of fields including Social Anthropology, Positive Psychology, Counselling, Coaching, Adult Education and Neuro Linguistic Programming. She is also the author of the Positive Psychology Toolkit for HR and L&D Practitioners. This is a free resource for trainers and facilitators.

Coaching

Did you know Eleanor provides coaching for trainers, course creators and L&D consultants? Get the support you need when planning your training program, leading a training team or setting up your L&D consultancy. Download your free coaching starter pack.

 

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The real reason you’re self-conscious: it’s intriguing

People talk about self-consciousness as though it’s a bad thing. I prefer to see it as an extension of self-awareness. Drawing a distinction between these two ways of thinking about yourself can be helpful. Especially if you’re prone to second-guessing yourself when interacting with others. In other words, if your self-awareness has gone too far, there is something you can do about it.

So what is the difference between being self-aware and being self-conscious? After all, we often speak of self-awareness as though it’s a valuable characteristic. Yet, on the other hand, we seem to assume that self-consciousness is exactly the opposite. Here’s how psychologists define the two states. Self-awareness involves thinking about your actions or thought patterns as you experience them. Being self-aware is a foundation for learning from experience.

Self-consciousness involves adding a critical tone to your self-awareness. This makes it a catalyst for self-doubt and low confidence. However, by reframing your relationship to ‘thinking about thinking’, you can learn to switch from self-conscious to self-aware quickly and easily.

 

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Doing this means capitalising on the fact that both self-consciousness and self-awareness involves turning your attention to words. Essentially, both processes involve ‘thinking about your thinking’. This is one of the most remarkable things your mind is capable of. So instead of perceiving it as a flaw, why not frame it as one of your talents? Now all you need to do is shift the way you apply that talent. There are two simple ways to do this. Both will help you to feel more relaxed and shift from self-conscious to self-aware in just a few moments.

Technique 1: turn your critical voice into a teaching voice

When you’re feeling self-conscious, the real problem is what you are thinking about your ‘self’. There are different ways that you can think about self. The first is to be aware of yourself as an independent agent of action. The second is to think about yourself as being viewed by others. When you’re thinking self-consciously, you’re likely to be assuming that other people are judging you. This assumption is then reflected in the way you talk to yourself internally. The simple solution is to challenge your internal voice. For example, you might tell yourself that others are focused on themselves, not you. Or you might dispute the critical voice by asking, “What evidence is there that others are thinking that?”

Technique number two: focus outwards, not inwards

If focusing on yourself is proving uncomfortable, shift the direction of your attention. This is such a simple strategy, but so few of us use it! The next time you’re feeling self-conscious, try it out. Look around and find someone or something else to focus on. Challenge yourself to find something intriguing or beautiful. Look for positives in your environment. Or if you’re in conversation with someone else, ask questions to draw them out. Think of yourself as an interviewer who is trying to bring out the best in your conversational partner.

Both of these techniques are easy to apply and highly effective. If you’re working on boosting your confidence, try them out. And if you need more help, remember that we are always here.

 

About the author: Eleanor Shakiba

Eleanor is a positive psychology trainer and coach. She works with ‘positive deviants’ to build positive mindsets, proactive communication and purposeful leadership. Since 1994, Eleanor has been teaching talented people how to think, communicate and behave in ways that build success. She holds qualifications in Social Anthropology, Positive Psychology, Counselling, Coaching, Adult Education and Neuro Linguistic Programming. She’s known for her dynamic training style and passion for experiential learning techniques. Download a copy of Eleanor’s free ebook Positive Psychology Toolkit for HR and L&D Practitioners.

What was I thinking?

When I started my business, I designed my own logo. It was a clumsy construction, created by combining clipart elements in Word. It showed a stick figure leaping in the air, reaching for the moon. It was badly proportioned and inelegant. Yet, looking back I can see it expressed something important about my vision for the business. Ironically, I don’t think that unique energy was captured in the professional logo I subsequently commissioned.

This year, I decided to go back to my core purpose in starting the business. Why? Because the stresses and strains imposed by the pandemic era had me questioning the worth of my work. This meant revisiting my origin points became important. As part of this process, I found that first logo popping into my head.

Unfortunately, I seem to have destroyed all traces of it. Still, I have a firm recollection of what it was trying to communicate. Beyond all my self-doubt and fear for the future (which I’m assuming many of us are facing at the moment), that logo captured my essence. Here are the key messages it embodied for me back then. Interestingly, these remain my core messages to this day.

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I believe in the capacity of all humans to stretch to new levels of excellence. Reaching for the moon was a symbol of this for me in my early days. It’s still a powerful concept, which I hope is embedded in all the work I do with my clients.

I know that when people live with purpose, confidence soars and happiness increases. That stick figure leaping towards something important was a symbol of the energy inspired by purpose and passion. As an introvert, I’ve learned the importance of reaching out. When I first started my business, I wanted to do everything myself. Even stuff I was really bad at, like book-keeping. Nowadays, though, I recognise that even the most driven person cannot do everything themselves. It is by reaching out and connecting with others that we can achieve our best.

To me, the most compelling aspect of being human is our capacity for positive deviance. Even in the most challenging times, people have the capacity to solve problems and find moments of joy. When I designed my first logo, I hadn’t even heard of positive deviance. Yet somehow that first concept captured the idea perfectly.

 

About the author: Eleanor Shakiba

Eleanor is a trainer and coach, with a passion for unleashing the power of positive deviance in talented people. She has taught more than 50,000 people how to excel professionally. An expert in the field of Positive Psychology, Eleanor is also qualified in Social Anthropology, Counselling, Coaching, Adult Education and Neuro Linguistic Programming. She specialises in helping HR and L&D practitioners to unleash the power of positive psychology in business. Her major focus in developing three key areas that support positive workplace cultures: positive mindset, proactive communication and purposeful leadership. Eleanor is the author of the Positive Psychology Toolkit for HR and L&D Practitioners. Download your free copy here.

Clever ways to use stories in training

Storytelling is in my DNA. For my 10th birthday, my father gave me an electric typewriter. I’d been nagging him for this for months. I remember the thrill of sitting at the keyboard, producing my first professionally typed story. That typewriter turned out hundreds of pages of creative content over the years. At 16, I received my first paycheck: for publication of a play I submitted to the Department of Education for their school magazine. That experience confirmed that I wanted to be a writer.

These days, my storytelling flair is expressed in every training session I present. As an introvert, I don’t leave my stories to chance. They’re usually crafted well ahead of a session. This ensures that I not only get the plot right, but that the story fits the purpose of the training situation.

You see, here’s what I’ve learned about storytelling in learning situations. Trainers should never use stories simply for their entertainment value. Instead, they should master the craft of creating teaching metaphors. These are stories which subtly embed key learning principles so that participants will remember them.

 

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There are 1001 ways to use stories in your sessions (thanks Scheherazade!). To get you started, here are a couple of suggestions.

  • Use personal anecdotes to subtly reinforce your authority in a subject. Sprinkle your war stories and learning experiences throughout a session. This has the added advantage of making you a more authentic trainer, as well as keeping your audience engaged.
  • Improvise by taking an example from the group and constructing a similar story, in which the key character overcomes a problem. This is a great way to show resistant learners that they can change their perspective on the situation.
  • Study the NLP Milton model. This is a set of language patterns for creating hypnotic impact. Using it in storytelling helps your audience to suspend disbelief and take your message onboard.

Once you’ve mastered the structure of a good story, of course, your next stage of development will be learning how to deliver your tales effectively. Watch out for my sessions on storytelling for trainers, which I deliver regularly throughout the year.

 

About the author: Eleanor Shakiba

Eleanor is a specialist in positive psychology training. Her core strength is creativity, which she expresses in the training room through storytelling and visual design. She has dedicated her career to helping experienced professionals break through glass ceilings by developing their confidence, communication skills and leadership mastery. Eleanor is qualified in a range of fields including Social Anthropology, Positive Psychology, Counselling, Coaching, Adult Education and Neuro Linguistic Programming. She is also the author of the Positive Psychology Toolkit for HR and L&D Practitioners . This is a free resource for trainers and facilitators.

What is self-agency? by Eleanor Shakiba


 
This video is part of a positive psychology series. Find out more about positive psychology in Eleanor’s free eBook, the Positive Psychology Toolkit.

Actively create ways to achieve your desired results with self-agency. Agency is an empowering mental state. It is driven by the belief that you can make a positive difference in the world. Also known as ‘personal agency’, self-agency gives you the power to achieve your goals and overcome obstacles. Hear Eleanor Shakiba discuss how using positive psychology techniques and attending resilience training can help you build your sense of agency.

This video on self-agency is part of a playlist of positive psychology videos by master trainer, Eleanor Shakiba. If you’re looking for resilience videos or positive thinking videos, subscribe to Eleanor’s channel for regular updates. To book Eleanor to train your team, visit her official site at Think Learn Succeed. To purchase training materials on resilience, learned optimism and employee wellbeing, visit the Think Learn Succeed shop.

 

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About the author: Eleanor Shakiba

Eleanor is a specialist in positive psychology. Her passion is teaching talented people to use social and emotional intelligence to excel in business. These skills centre around building positive mindsets, proactive communication habits and purposeful leadership behaviours. Eleanor’s qualifications include degrees and diplomas in Social Anthropology, Positive Psychology, Counselling, Coaching, Adult Education and Neuro Linguistic Programming. She is also the author of the Positive Psychology Toolkit for HR and L&D Practitioners. This is a free resource for trainers and facilitators.

Why I love coaching positive deviants

In 2018 I made a significant shift in my coaching practice. I started saying “no” to remedial coaching. Why? Remedial coaching aims to address behavioural or mindset problems. It is tough work and involves working with resistant or outright hostile clients. These are people with ‘sendee syndrome’ as facilitators say. Often, coaching is a final step in a disciplinary process for these employees. They aren’t committed to change and just want to go through the motions of turning up because ‘HR said so’.

The early part of my career was dedicated to training and coaching in conflict resolution. So working with this type of client was normal for me. However, specialising in this area meant I was often exposed to negative or hostile people, who didn’t really want to learn. Deciding to shift the focus of my business meant turning towards a more inspiring and proactive type of client. Indeed, I soon realised that my ideal client is the exact opposite of a negative deviant – it’s a so-called ‘positive deviant’ and high achieving professional. In particular, I thrive when coaching ambitious, experienced and high achieving people who think in quirky ways. These tend to be the glass ceiling breakers and the knowledge workers in our organisations.

Positive deviants are not easy to work with. They face a range of unique challenges because they think differently to others within their organisations. This can mean they face unique challenges in relation to communicating their ideas and getting others onside. As naturally curious and innovative thinkers, though, these people are always a pleasure to work with. What do I like specifically about working with positive deviants?

Positive deviants are naturally goal oriented

Drive and determination bring out the best in coaching clients. Because positive deviants tend to have ambitious and significant goals, they are fascinating to work with. Many positive deviants see themselves as mavericks. This means when they find a coach who understands their way of thinking, they naturally become highly motivated coaching clients.

They see solutions where others see problems

The most interesting thing about positive deviants is they tend to not even notice problems. Their curiosity mindsets focus their attention on the intrigue of overcoming challenges. This means they step naturally into the solution focused mode of thinking. The result is a fast paced, creative and dynamic approach to getting results. An ideal client for me, because I love working with results-oriented people.

 

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Many positive deviants crave robust feedback

As people who excel, positive deviants are often overlooked by their leaders. Less experienced leaders often focus on performance problems, rather than seeing the benefits of creating stretch goals and giving feedback to positive deviants. This means that positive deviants thrive in the coaching environment, especially when they have a coach who is willing to point out thinking patterns or behaviours which are slowing down success.

Focusing on positive deviants allows organisations to accelerate change

After all, it is the positive deviants who do things differently. They naturally step into the zone of excellence. This means their efforts tend to have significant impact on both team and organisational outcomes. The rewards of working with people who create ripple effects of positivity are numerous. This is why I would rather have fewer clients, but positively deviant clients, in my coaching business these days.

To find out more about bringing out the best in positive deviants, download Eleanor Shakiba’s free e-book. The Positive Psychology Toolkit for HR and L&D Practitioners is a great resource for any trainer or facilitator who is eager to find out more about positive psychology.

 

About the author: Eleanor Shakiba

Eleanor is a trainer and coach, with a passion for unleashing the power of positive deviance in talented people. She has taught more than 50,000 people how to excel professionally. An expert in the field of Positive Psychology, Eleanor is also qualified in Social Anthropology, Counselling, Coaching, Adult Education and Neuro Linguistic Programming. She specialises in helping HR and L&D practitioners to unleash the power of positive psychology in business. Her major focus in developing three key areas that support positive workplace cultures: positive mindset, proactive communication and purposeful leadership. Eleanor is the author of the Positive Psychology Toolkit for HR and L&D Practitioners. Download your free copy here.

Too much self-agency can hold leaders back

I’ve often argued that self-agency is the most important attribute a leader can possess. This opinion is grounded in positive psychology research. It has shown that self-agency can be a more significant driver of success than self-esteem.

For this reason, many of the leadership modules I include in my Learn with Eleanor Shakiba online programs contain content on building self-agency. Recently, in one of my courses, someone asked me a fascinating question. “Can you have too much self-agency?” The answer to this question is a resounding ‘yes’.

After all, self-agency is your belief that your actions can reap positive results. A great leader has high self-agency and fosters self-agency in others. However, anyone who’s worked for a ‘control freak’ leader knows that some people fail to do this. The result is a leadership style which can come across as autocratic, distant, or unwilling to collaborate. For this reason, positive psychology trainers should send balanced messages around the role of drive and confidence in leadership contexts.

 

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So how can we boost leaders’ self-agency to appropriate levels? Essentially, this involves developing capability in three key areas.

  • Positive mindset
  • Powerful communication
  • Purposeful action

Combining these three elements in leadership training ensures that leaders learn to balance self-directed action with collaborative dialogue. This turns them into dynamic change-agents, who are capable of taking teams with them on the journey to success.

If you’d like to find out more about using positive psychology principles in your leadership programs, download Eleanor Shakiba’s free e-book, Positive Psychology Toolkit for HR and L&D Practitioners.

 

About the author: Eleanor Shakiba

Eleanor specialises in positive psychology and NLP. She works with HR and L&D teams create vibrant organisational cultures, by delivering training that makes a difference. Eleanor’s qualifications include degrees and diplomas in Social Anthropology, Positive Psychology, Counselling, Coaching, Adult Education and Neuro Linguistic Programming. Her passion is fostering the success of ‘positive deviants’ in the workplace. Download a copy of Eleanor’s free ebook Positive Psychology Toolkit for HR and L&D Practitioners.

What superkids taught us about resilience by Eleanor Shakiba

We often talk about resilience as if it is a solo activity. In fact, there is compelling evidence that supportive relationships are more important than self-agency in fostering resilience. In this video on resilience at work, Eleanor Shakiba discusses what we can learn from studies of childhood resilience. Then she suggests ways to boost resilience by developing positive workplace culture. View What ‘Super Kids’ Taught Us About Resilience now.
 


 

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About the author: Eleanor Shakiba

Eleanor is a specialist in positive psychology. Her passion is teaching talented people to use social and emotional intelligence to excel in business. These skills centre around building positive mindsets, proactive communication habits and purposeful leadership behaviours. Eleanor’s qualifications include degrees and diplomas in Social Anthropology, Positive Psychology, Counselling, Coaching, Adult Education and Neuro Linguistic Programming. She is also the author of the Positive Psychology Toolkit for HR and L&D Practitioners. This is a free resource for trainers and facilitators.