Category: Confidence tips

So many high achievers believe that being uncertain, unsure or anxious about the future means they’re not confident. Today, I want to dispel that myth by exploring two interesting points about fear.

First, let me remind you that fear is a normal emotion. Confident people experience it just as much as everyone else. However, they process it differently to those of us with fixed, helpless or unconfident mindsets.

Second, I want to share some intriguing research on a key connection between fear and imposter syndrome. It turns out that a very specific sort of worry – fear of failure – drives imposter thinking. But only in some people: those of us with strong goal orientations. To me, this explains why so many leaders, high achievers and successful people battle with imposter syndrome. You can read more about this topic in my recent blog article, here.

For now, here is my favourite tip on how to reduce your fear of failure: don’t set goals but design experiments. Know WHAT you want to achieve but be flexible about how to get there. If one tactic doesn’t work, do something else. That’s not failing; it’s learning.

Imposter syndrome is particularly difficult to beat because it distorts your mental processing in such pervasive and paradoxical ways. It’s driven by a frustrating double bind where the very patterns of thinking and behaviour that so subtly erode your self-esteem also reap significant rewards.

I call these patterns the Dark Triad of imposter syndrome. What are they?

1. Overthinking

Your mind is constantly busy, engineering solutions to problems and coming up with impressive new ideas. Sure, you’re not sleeping much these days, but everyone knows you’re the brains behind the team’s success. What makes this pattern so addictive is the buzz of finding that answer or having that ‘ah ha’ moment.

2. Over-planning

You’re exhausted from working excessive hours but addicted to delivering amazing results. You resent carrying the burden of planning and coordinating everyone else’s work but breathe a sigh of relief when your efforts stave off disaster (or at least prevent missing the deadline). Your schedule is so packed with back-to-back meetings that bathroom breaks aren’t an option. But your busy schedule and reputation as the most productive team member feed your addiction to being busy.

3. Over working

This is the most obvious sign of imposter syndrome. It usually sets in early when a child learns that hard work at school leads to praise, attention, prizes and rewards. Sadly, this creates a dysfunctional feedback loop. The child equates hard work with social validation, and the vicious cycle of imposter syndrome begins.

Are these patterns familiar to you? If so, it may be time to address your imposter syndrome. The good news is the dark triad can be beaten: Thousands of high achievers have managed to develop authentic confidence. You can do it, too.

So many female leaders tell me they get up early so they can fit in their ‘me time’ every day. These women speak as though waking at 4 a.m. is a self-care choice underpinned by assertiveness and confidence. But let’s think about that. How does regularly depriving yourself of sleep equate to self-care? Is working excessive hours every day a sign of assertiveness? Does a confident leader arrive at work frazzled and stressed by her gruelling morning routine?

To all these questions, let’s yell a resounding ‘no’. Let’s end imposter thinking and ‘nice girl’ behaviour. Let’s enter the zone of truly confident leadership. Here are three ways female leaders can do this (if you’re male, pass these tips on to the women in your business).

Stop faking work–life balance 

Successful leaders are congruent. They don’t pretend – to themselves or others – that they’re super organised. They don’t burn themselves out trying to juggle 12 hours of work, an hour of exercise, three hours of housework and five hours of time with their loved ones every day. Women who are self-assured in their leadership roles know that the idea of ‘faking it ’til you make it’ is outdated. In fact, professionals who believe this works are more likely to suffer from imposter syndrome, self-doubt and low confidence.

Dial down your standards

Leadership expert Kit de Vries calls imposter syndrome ‘the flip side of giftedness’. I wrote more about it in a recent blog article because it’s such a thought-provoking statement. If you’re a talented woman, remember that being gifted can put you in a harsh spotlight and trigger perfectionist habits.

Here’s why: Gifted women are brilliant at many things. But that doesn’t mean you should do everything at a super-perfect level. Dial down your expectations for everyday performance to the level of Professional Output. Save your highest standards for the tasks that really matter.

Master the art of setting limits

Women with authentic confidence don’t say ‘yes’ to everything. They’re clear about their boundaries. They also know how to set boundaries without sounding like pushy cows. You don’t need a genetic predisposition for confidence. You just need to master the basics of assertive communication.  Read my book Difficult People Made Easy to learn how.

Time to come clean. I’m a control freak. And I’m not the only one! In times of uncertainty, many people react by trying to regain control. But that’s not a healthy way to lead yourself, your team or your business.

So, how can you tell that your ‘organised mindset’ is actually a sign that you’re in full-blown control freak mode? Here are three signs that are dead give-aways.

1. You’re stressing out about people knowing you’re stressing out

Yep, you’re not the only one who does this! It’s a surprisingly common way of thinking among people with imposter syndrome, a distorted, unhelpful form of ‘metacognition’.

2. You believe you are 100 percent responsible for your own success

You give yourself no leeway. If something goes wrong, you scold yourself. Then you start working on making it go right again. You say things like “failure isn’t an option” and “there’s no such thing as good enough”. You over-schedule, over-commit and over-work. And still, you want to achieve more.

No. It’s not ambition or a good work ethic. It’s a sign your confidence very likely needs a reboot.

3.Your self-compassion battery is totally flat

Self-compassion is a form of support and nurturing you give yourself when you make mistakes, face embarrassing situations or encounter adversity. It’s like a battery; when it’s low, you don’t have the energy to enjoy your life. But it can be recharged – and there are good reasons to keep it fully charged.

Paul Gilbert is a research scientist who studies the neuroscience of self-compassion. He claims that three brain systems work together to help you handle adversity and survive in chaotic times. Your ‘mammalian care-giving system’ is one of these systems. When it’s outward-facing, it enables you to feel, and show, compassion for those around you. But it can also be inward-facing. In this case, your care-giving system promotes a sense of self-security and stability. To find out more about the implications of Paul Gilbert’s work for beating imposter syndrome and building confidence in my recent blog article.

Self-esteem has become one of the most hyped topics in the self-help world. Coaches, leaders, marketers, they all tell you, “Work on your self-esteem and then you’ll feel more confident”.

But is higher self-esteem really what you, as a competent and successful professional, need? What if you have a motivation problem instead of a confidence problem? A state called ‘languishing’ could be contributing to your low mood.  So, how can you beat the languishing blues and feel confident again?

Often, it’s about breaking bad habits. Three small changes can make a huge difference to your energy and motivation.

1. Stop doing stuff you hate

If you hate it, it exhausts your energy. It’s something you should delegate, outsource or do away with. Even if you CAN do it, it does you no good to keep it on your to-do list. As I say, “thank goodness some people love doing book-keeping”. Because I sure don’t!

2. Stop putting work before play

Do the something you love every day. Don’t get up early to fit it in, either. Make time for it by working reasonable hours, splitting home chores equally between everyone who’s old enough to do them and setting reasonable limits on what you do for other people.

3. Stop kicking yourself for not knowing

You don’t have to know the answers to everything. In fact, research has shown that there are many reasons to simply admit you don’t know (yet). Check out my blog for a recent article on the benefits of saying ‘I don’t know’ at work.